给与妈妈的祝福

8:46 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
How many of you have heard of me mentioning about my mum in happy tone before?

Many times, when I mentioned about my mum, I am always complaining about her... scolding her... bad mouthing about her... and wondering what is exactly wrong with her...

How many of you know that I actually is a mummy's kid?....... I bet that nobody can could imagine that I'm a mummy's kid...

Did I ever tell you how fortunate I am that despite being born in a poor family, I live like a princess because my mum is willing to exchange everything that she has so that I can lead a better life?...

Did I ever tell you that she is the greatest mum that I can ever have... and I secretly wish that in the next life, I can still return as her pesky little kid and be loved by her like how she love me this life time?...

I used to stick to my mum so much that everybody around her mentioned that I have super glued myself to her.. and I will follow her everywhere she goes...

So, what exactly changed and what made me turn 180degree from somebody who sticked to her day and night to somebody who only knows how to complain about her, find trouble with her, quarral with her and scold her?

You want to know? I am not gonna tell... I promised I will press delete and delete all these bad memories and karma that should belonged to somebody else but was channelled onto her due to her selflessness....

My mum lead a bad life... In fact, if there is a gu cai first gen.. i bet she is that gu cai first gen... Never loved by anybody (except for my dad okay) in her first part of life... discriminated and isolated in the middle part of her life... and still gets discriminated and isolated plus getting bullied by her kids during the mid-later part of her life...

I have always seen myself as her protector, I must protect her from being bullied... I tried to be there for her... because nobody protect her for most of her life... so I try to... but I was so blinded by my act of protection that I hurt her.... really badly... most importantly... it hurt our relationship too...

Something happened to her this year... something really bad... she got hospitalised.. and it was my fault that she got hospitalised... I have never thot that I would see her in this way...

She felt into coma for two days.... and there are ten thousand needles plugged into her body... suddenly.... she look so small... the 'grandma' in my mind has always been a huge figure... and I realised that it is not because she is big... it is because the shadow that she casted over me to protect me is so huge that I have mistaken that as her...

The doctor came, and told me that her life is in danger... She might not be able to pull thru if we dont give her the scan and if we give her the scan, she might end up with permanent kidney failure... There was nobody there... and (in very small voice: old man went blank when i told him that his wife's life is in danger... for the first time in my life... old man's eyes was blank... cant see his processor moving at all)... I had to make a decision on what to do....

After the doctor is done telling me that my mum will either die or suffer kidney failure, I turn over and saw tears falling out of her eyes....

I studied her very intensively... I rubbed her hands for the first time in many years... and tell her 'it's okay... nothing bad will happen...' and I realised that she's REALLY aged alot.... I saw the HUGE brown patch across her nose bridge that I gave her as a hello gift when I was born.. and it drawn on me that I was nothing but trouble...

She had a difficult time while carrying me.... when I finally came out, although I proudly declared that I am born on a sunday, I destroyed her sunday... I gave her a HUGE brown patch on her nose bridge, effectively destroying her spotless face... I am a weak kid, I have tonsils the size of adult's tonsils and get fever when somebody just pat me on the back... threaten and force her to buy feathery fan from Chinatown everytime we go there, showed her doe eye look and emotionally threaten her to buy me all the latest toy in primary school and accused her of doting on somebody else more that me....

And now.... at the ripe old age of 26, I delivered the last blow by bringing her to buy that fatal bread which causes her to be hospitalised...

I have always tell TFB that parents can dedicate their whole life to their kids... but their kids can never dedicate their whole life to their parents up till the day they die... but I dedicate my life to creating trouble for her and I asked myself.... are you done? are you done with torturing her?... are you happy now?...

I called Eat Bread and she rushed down to the hospital.... she couldnt make the decision, so she called her elder brother.... while rushing to elsewhere, i told Eat Bread that if i ever make my mum angry again... she has all the rights in the world to slap me... and if i try to hit back.. she must remind me that I asked her to do so...

I reminded myself that when I see her doing things that I think will make her unhappy, I try to stop her from doing it, in the process of doing so, I quarral with her.. and I MADE her unappy.... if she ever want to do something, she must have done it willingly and happily but because of my own judgement, I assumed that she is unhappy and try to stop her and make her unhappy.... although truthfully speaking, I AM NOT the one who caused her misery... I became the one who caused her all the unhappiness... I stand by my new found belief that if she wants to do something, she can go ahead and do it... i will not stop her.. unless it will cause her injury or death... she has live to the ripe old age of 60.. she should know what she need to do, what to do and why she want to do it... I, have no right to interfere (except if it will cause death or injury)

If she is unhappy after that, I can luff at her..... and tell her not to do it in the future...

Of course of course, she recovered and is very well now except that she need to watch her diet as she has very mild diabetes... and I know those of you who know me very well will think that all these promises that i made will only last me for six months... but you know.... i am even determined to keep to my promises because I know very well that although she went thru these pain and etc.... and sustained mild diabetes... she felt that all these is worth it... if she can pull me back... and everything in the family is fine again...

She is willing to give up her life... subject her body to torture, so long as her family stay close....

If she is willing to do all these.. I think a little mental torture from her bunch of "i really dun like people" luffing at me secretly is fine... because there's always karma for everybody.. you can treat her as badly as you want.. her kids are not useless.... but her kids are more concern about her happiness... and you will be punished by karma, the harder you luff.. you more you will get...

I will not quarral with my mum ever again (minor bitchfitting doesnt count as quarraling, like if she throws toffee across the room, disturb cotton all the time and pester me non stop the whole day)... I will not quarral with her ever again... I will do what I can to fulfill what she wants me to fulfill for her with the rest of my years.... If she can dedicate that type of dedication to me... I believe I can too.....

Everybody wants to be a Cesar Milan...

5:31 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Everybody wants to be a Cesar Milan, but not everybody can be a Cesar Milan, and definately not everybody like Cesar Milan.
Like me, I do not agree with his training methods to a certain extend... I understand that he has to be aggressive towards some dogs, because they are dangerous. BUt i definitely do not agree that his methods should be applied on all dogs..
I am ike thoe foolish people who think that if you are attacked by an animal, it is fated lah and if an animal is killed, the humans are cruel! Geddit? I love animals more than humans.. so regardless of how dangerous the animal is, I get very offended when I see the poor thing being abused...
Anyway, I mentione about everybody wanting to be a Cesar Milan because Cesar Milan's teaching tells you that human is alpha male.. so that you are able to control your dogs....
Recently, when I go out for a walk with Cotton, people starts to whistle, make strange noises or try and call his name based on their own imagination (like Snowie lah... and etc.. like seriously.. why not try saying "Hi, your dog is cute, what's its name?" to me and I will tell you? What is your objective of standing there right infront of me (the owner) and try to guess the name? If you get the name correct, it shows that you all are fated arh?...
I really dun understand what these people are thinking about..
DO they think that they have such strong alpha male aura that when my dog (whom I raised up, feed, sayang him, clean him and been there with him thru thick and think) thru around and sees them, will make an instant connection with them and feel their 'awesome' alpha male aura and the dog will run away from me towards that person and together they will walk hand in hand into the sunset leaving me alone there like a dumbass with an empty leash?
Seriously, how posible do you think that is? Yes, as cheesy as it sounds, Cotton DID make eye contact with somebody before.. and the person is ME! yes.. that is why he is my dog.. he chose me as his owner...
Nobody is a born alpha male, unless you are their species... so why not try coming over insteadn say Hello to the owner and asked if you can have the dog's name, stroke the dog or play with it?
Maybe if you are nicer, have the decency to say hello to the owner instead of treating the owner as invisible and try to stroke the dog, you will get a chance to meet a obedient dog with nice owners.
Otherwise?
Cotton and myself does not hestitate and in fact, takes pleasure in ignoring these people, turn around and walk hand in hand into the sunset, leaving you there bitter and full of hatred wondering why is this dog owner so proud? the dog gold plated one arh?....

It's end soon.. So fast arh?...

11:58 PM Posted In , Edit This 0 Comments »
Countdown to 1 week before the start of a new beginning at another company and i am starting to suspect that the company is panicking because i sort of MIA from them.. i did not reply to their emails, went for medical checkup or send them the document that they needed to process my pay details and etc.
But i am really busy with this assignment and will get down to doing it over the weekend once i am done with this assignment..
Speaking of assignment, this is not the end, i still have another one due by next week... so next week is about projects again.... I totally agree with Old Man that procrastination is the killer of time... look at how much time i have wasted while procrastinating?....
I have not really done what i set out to do when i took this long break and is starting to regret doing it... But like it is always before... i get caught up with life and before i knew it, i was too much time dealing with life to be able to take a step back and reflect.... So i am going to plan out a schedule so that i am going to follow it thru next week as a form of reflection for myself...
This whole 1.5 months have been full of screw up after screw up and screw up after screw upsssssSSSS... i dun even know what happened.. i just knew that i had to get away from everything, not caring about what happened outside, not caring about what others think of me and not caring about anything.. just caring about me and i went away... went to my shelter of life... and hide inside.... It is relaxing.. Really refreshing.. can you believe that i sleep 12 hours per day now... and it is not force sleep okay? I just sleep and woke up and realised that it is already 12+ in the afternoon...
Why cant everyday be like that?....
I have not felt that my holidays were completely wasted as i have the freedom to do things that i like or go away from it all when it doesnt work out.... who is the most powerful person in the world? the one with the most money or the one with most times? i would say the one with the most time... with time, you can use it to earn money and one day take over the one with the most money.... so i would say that time is still the most important....
Lets hope that the new start is a good one...... Before that i would make the best out of the last week before work starts.. starting with sunday where i am determined not to suffer from any monday blues...

10:41 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
The dog waiting for someone who will not be spending the night with us....
On a cold cold night like this, it is suitable to listen to this song.... 寂寞公路...
I ran away from home... from our matrimonial room to be exact... it's been too drama filled and like what i told TFB, i dont know how long can we maintain this...
The threat goes from bad to worse.. the action goes from bad to worse.. and the way he handle me while trying to get me to calm down goes from bad to worse too...
Barely less than one year into our marriage, i am talking about divorce like it is such a normal thing that we should go thru.... Note that i did not mention it casually because there is nothing casual about it... I know that i have talk about it alot of times... but none of them were casual...
I have never viewed marriage lightly and is never a supporter for divorce.. because i believe that you can only find one soulmate in your life.... I think i have found mine... so why cant i live with my soulmate?
Because we have all changed.... i realised that my twisted world is far more twisted than it is... no thanks to my refusal to get out of it and he's just getting tired of the constant struggle that goes on with life....
I really dunno what is going to happen from here.... Usually when we do quarral, and most of the times when i do mention about divorce, i am usually quite half hearted about it and dont intend to push thru with it... this time... it is really different... I am not going to go back just because he coax me... i really need to take the time to think about it... he need to show me that we can make it work...
Giving him one month time does not mean that he will be extremely nice to me during this one month to prove to me that he can be like that and then after the one month when we conclude that we can carry on, he would go back to his old ways....
If a person said that she wants people to see that she is pretty, she has to make an effort to upkeep her appearance everyday.. not just for one day to show the world that actually she can be pretty if she upkeep then return to her usual way of not maintaining her look and expect people to bear in mind that she is pretty because she can be if she wants to...
TFB came yesterday night at 12am in the morning to apologise to me because he feels that this thing cannot wait and deep down.. i am very grateful for his sincerity but is not grateful for his ego for trying to destroy everything... He stayed over last night and the dog was extremely happy to see him...
The dog was restless today because he wasnt around.... i came to realise that the dog is deeply affected by the lack of one party in his life.. I thot of letting TFB bring him back but realise that the dog will miss me too... and will be restless too... the truth is the dog's world consist of the two of us and without any of us inside, he just doesnt feel right..
I am really not hesitating to let it all go just so that you can go and get another chance at finding happiness because you screw up the first... but if you are so insistent about the vow that you have taken previously... i really hope that you could take the marriage more seriously.
I am not saying that i have no fault... but i am aware that a marriage is not a walk in the park and therefore i am constantly trying to do my part in making it work.. i hope you can too...

The struggle of having Offsprings...

8:49 PM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
I had a talk with TFB the other day with regards to having children and told him that i came from a very lousy extended family whom people are so selfish that they are totally emotionally incapable of giving warmth to another human...
I am not even saying about support you know, i am saying about warmth.. basic warmth.... they are not able to provide any at all.
By extended family, i dont mean my paternal side, i mean my maternal side of relatives. You see the problem with my family is that my maternal side has this secret desire to keep all the people close to them.. even the daughters after they are married out so that maybe one day they are able to take over the world? They dont allow us to regard ourselves as extended grandchildren or extended niece or nephews but constantly remind us that our surname is not the same as theirs and we are not their immediate family circle because we dont share the same surname as them.
So in short, they dont allow us to treat them as extended family and want us to place them in our immediate family circle but also constantly remind us that we dont share the same surname so we have no rights to walk into their immediate family circle at all.
Unfortuately for me, my mum loves to bring us back to her side of the family every single weekend when we are young to spend the weekend there... i think it is her so call bonding with the family but to us or me at least... it seems more like a suffering.. it is a weekly suffering that sees no end and not sure when it would stop. You would have thot that oh maybe she is not loved that is why she mention that but like having a nine years old writing in her diary that she hates the maternal grandma's house and dont wish to go because everybody just treated her and her family like dumbass?
Nine years old should be the age where i worried about my weight increasing, worried about my friend not writing in my autograph books and start to worry about when is my menses coming and how would it feels like. But instead, i was having troubles coping with the fact that my mum is delusional and prefers to believe that her siblings are all very loving while i could see that they seriously dislike us and want nothing to do with us and treat us like dumbass...
So you cant blame me for being cold sometimes because i have learn long ago that if i dont put in any emotion to anybody, if the person turns bad, i would have no sadness and i could look back feeling glad that i did not waste my care and concern on someone lousy.
Okay okay, when ever i talk about them, my blood boils... so much for not getting emotionally involved.. but you get the point right?
The truth is when you have such emotionally handicap parents, chances are, you will get emotionally handicap children as well. Due to the fact that their parents have one piece less in their heart, the children will have to somehow evolve to deal with that and the evolve will also leave them emotionally handicap in one way or another...
Because these emotionally handicap children have now grown into adults, these are the adults that my offsprings will have to deal with if i ever have offsprings...
The truth is because i am emotionally detached from alot of things and i hate these so call relative alot, i have offended alot of them since i was young... and i think they would have seen my kids like dirt as much as they would see me as a piece of dirt and would treat my kids as nothing but air but lower than dirt.. which can be quite hurting for kids you know?
When i look at the way the kids are being treated and the way things turn out and the way some tried to fight for attention, i couldnt help but tell myself that enough is enought.. If what i went thru is what my kids have to go thru, i really couldnt bear to bring them into this world to go thru all this just to cultivate another batch of emotionally handicap adults who will do the same to their next generation.
I have always been a very fair auntie... because i have seen and felt what it feels like to be treated unfairly and not nicely... i have always been giving whatever i could to the two nephews at home.. thou i know that alot of people said that i love the elder one more than the younger one, but hey who can fault me for that? I spent a good three years with the elder one before the younger one came along so the bonds between us is really huge... but despite this, i have never make the younger one feel underpriviledge... He just has to be who he is, dont have to fight for my love because i am a lousy person and my love is not worth it...
But i couldnt say the same for my kids.... you see the problem with me is that i have alot of emotion.. i keep them within me.. but i know how each feeling feels like and i would not treat another human in the way that i know doesnt feels good unless this person pissed me off real bad...
I couldnt say the same for the assholes who grew up with me that they are able to treat my kids nicely... As i have mentioned, they are emotionally handicap and they are not able to seperate issues by issues to treat the kids as another being outside of me... they said hurt them where it hurts the most.. if i have offsprings.. of course they would assume that hurting the offsprings will hurt me the most right?
I am not saying that they would hurt the kid, i am just saying that they would not be smart enough to seperate the mother from the kid and will end up treating my kids just like how my aunties and uncles treated me in the past....
I am jumping into conclusion? Oh no! I am definately not... I have seen past cases where my elder nephew got treated like a extended family stranger by an asshole who is supposed to be one of the aww so important person in my nephew life... simply because? They dont share the same surname and the asshole bear a grudge against the family from the beginning so the nephew's surname piss him off so badly that he couldnt seperate the nephew as another being by himself...
What i am saying is that because of this, i seriously dont feel like giving birth because there are alot of things that are really not within my control and i really cannot control how people chose to treat my kids but if i ever have kids, i would really want to shield them from all this unnecessary unpleasant things that will not help them in their growing up stage but will leave them scarred for life...
You know what my mum always say when i told her i dont like my aunties and uncles because they dont love me and i dont see the need in caring or visiting them? She will say haiya we all love you can already lor! of course i know that my parents dote on me.. and because i am strong... i am able to grow up... but i have emotion scars... and what did she do to make it worse? she still brings us there weekend after weekend after weekend...
And you would have thot that why not just endure and bear with it? Hey it is no fun to go to a house and be trapped there for eight house with a house full of people who hates you, you know? It is no fun at all.. and why do we need to put ourselves thru this type of nonsense which does nothing beneficial to our life? You dont like a social gathering, you will also find excuse not to attend and there are no people there hating you, you just feel bored there.... What's more for a house FULL of people who hate you to the core?
Seriously.. no fun at all....
So i am really confused about this... on one hand... i am seeing more and more cute babies around.. i know my maternal clock has died... yes it is dead and no matter how many people tell me that wait till you give birth you will know lah... i will not know okay?.... it is dead....
But i know that naturally as a person i would love to have kids and love kids too.... so we will just have to take one step at a time and see if we could really build a conducive environment for kids before we talk about it....

祝福

12:52 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
祝福是让被你祝福的人能够快乐的飞翔。
可是我永远都不会得到这种祝福。。。
如果你不是真的为他们开心，又何必为了一点点面子，假装祝福，然后用你一辈子诅咒被你祝福的人？

Lots of feelings

7:53 PM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Okie.. i have begun to neglect this area again..
Not on purpose... okie!
Brought Her World magazine recently and it is both inspiring and demoralising.... Inspiring because i read about the Badi caste in Nepal and how they value daughter more than son and the birth of a daughter is usually celebrated because they are born into a life of prostitution... Which is really sad because it is their parents who sort of manage them when they become prostitute. Not by choice, but rather the Badi Caste is an untouchable caste and it is not by characteristic of the people in the caste or their choice to be like that but rather it was some rules that forbidden them from doing other stuff and they have to do prostitution in order to survive. It is like a downward spiral for the caste. I mean, alright before the rules, they were roving entertainers, something like courtesans who provides entertainment like dancing and singing during private parties or to rich people for food and shelter and sometimes sex.. but i would have believe that prostitution was not their main job alright! They could have evolve and became a better caste of people involve in the arts and culture, but instead, because of some rules, they became a poorer caste.. sigh...
That is the inspiration that i have gotten, knowing very well that i am lucky that i am not born into a society that is divided by caste system and no matter how poor we are, i was given a choice to do whatever i wanted...
Second inspiration came from horoscope... Somehow the horoscope knew that i am at cross road now.. they asked me to look beyond the immediate future and understand that the changes that is happening now is for the further future or something like that... So i guess whatever changes there are, i will just bear with it and make the best out of the situation and hopefully have a good further future.. hahaha...
The demoralising part came from a very small comment in the book where they were interviewing some random lady about some stuff and you know how they will always display the age and the position that the person is holding? At 27, the lady is a general manager.... Sigh... my mentality is still stuck at 23, so to me, a general manager at 27 sounds logical right? But the sad thing is, my physical age is already 26.. And i have accomplished nothing at all...
Even more angry when the interview asked me that day... "so... it took you 6 years to study your degree"... After i hear that sentence... i can only think of a sentence that Eric Cartman loves to say.... "What the fuck?" Yar.. but not to the interviewer, but rather to me... YES 6 bloody years has passed which in between i spent 4 bloody years being sucked into political unrest situation in the office and other bo liao stuff....
I have really decided that since i have left the office, i will not get sucked into another political unrest situation and do what i am given ONLY... and since i have eliminated all the other bo liao tuff in my life.. i believe that i have more time to live and study now! Aug next year.. i expect an update here to inform that i have gotten my degree.. AUG next year....
That's all that i have to grumble about for now... i will be back again...
p.s. I miss home... i dont miss the people inside other than dad... i miss that home as in the place itself... take away the people except dad inside and i would really love to return there and stay there for the rest of my life...
p.p.s Yes, i dont miss my mum at all.. given that i am the minority who truly appreciates her and has not hestitation in taking the whole world down for her sake.. i think she should be the one missing me instead of me missing her...

I thot i saw myself....

1:32 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
It was like a mini me!.. And i thot she is like a mini me because she is extremely cute... She has fair complexion with puffy, pinkish cheeks and a pair of puppy droopy eyes... She has bangs and shoulder lenght hair and her mummy was fussing over her and holding her hands tightly while they were waiting for taxi...
And to complete the resemblance, she was sulking when her mummy fuss over her.. I look around and sort of come to a conclusion on what she was sulking about... Up ahead of her, there were another two girls, they were all from the same group and these two girls are older than her.. they were holding hands and staying very close to each others constantly turning to talk to each others and grooming the hair and etc, completely ignoring this little cute girl behind them..
Well, this type of scenario happens very often when i was young and resulted in a very bitchy me that is me now... You see i have always been jealous of the close bond that my cousin and sister shared when they are young.. My cousin seems to be able to do all the right things to get compliment and liking from my sister while i am only the sickly trouble younger sibling who always gets her into trouble because she cant bully me nor boss me around to do things otherwise i would get a fever...
So from young, they have always just ignored me.. I am always the second choice of everything... the lame one whom nobody want to hang out with unless no choice... So back to now, where we are all grown up they actually went back to doing the same thing.. Just that this time, i was the one who wanted out of this whole drama and the cousin of course conveniently took over my place as the younger sibling hoping to reach the land of happiness where everybody dotes on her...
Today, i finally got it... while that little young girl pout and sulk at the corner, she did not realise that her mummy is actually showering love on her... and she did not realise that she was so cute, that she caught the attention of a stranger because she was too busy sulking....
I think maybe, i have lived like that for years too... maybe i was the star of the group... maybe in the past at a certain stage of my life when i was busy sulking, another stranger was looking at me telling herself "oh how cute is this little girl" but i have never realised that i am the star of the group because people were truly jealous of me and they said and do all the things to insult me and everything so that i believe i am the ugly duckling and shine no more...
The only revenge is to live better than the ones you hate and based on their behaviour, i truly believe that they did all that they have to make me believe that i am the ugly duckling so that they could outshine me easily... i will not let them have it so easy... from now on, i will live better... i will live a good and happy life... i will regain my shine and never let them outshine me again...

What's wrong w me?

7:55 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It started with trying to clarify to my friend on why I am so busy (
Because it took me 1 week to reply back to his SMS) and suddenly, I realized why am I so unhappy with my life now...

I wouldn't say that it's unhappy but more of a frustrating feeling like I am walking in circle n I don't feel at peace at myself at all.. I just don't feel peaceful lah.. No matter what I do or where am I, I just don't feel the inner peace n there seems to be something poking me, telling me that I should go out somewhere! But where????? Argh.....

But now, I know what's wrong with me.. I took on more than I can take... It has to be! I used to lead such a monotonous life with alot of spare time at hand for me to take a step back from life n live as a observer of life seeing things happened but now, I'm so suck into the vicious cycle of work n etc that I am being sucked into life itself n I don't like it!!!

I just keep having this feeling that I'm turning more n more human n it is not good at all..

I have decide that I will stop getting sucked into life n pull myself out of this whole situation before it drains me totally...

It's a peaceful day...

4:52 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
It was an impromptu decision to get macaroons today... Woman monthly affair gave me the excuse to buy stuff to cheer myself up ... (=


Was thinking of dessert first... then macaroons and was searching for place that sells good macaroon when i found ET Artisan Sweets... It is hidden in 32 Holland Grove Road, Henry Park Apartments...


When i reached there, i realised that i really love that place! Not the bakery yet.. but as in the whole Henry Park Apartment area.. It is a sleepy little neighbourhood and it is just very quiet and peaceful....


There is a playground in the middle, where there were some kids playing and some shops around and you could see that there are customers buying cakes, repairing bicycles, doing nails and looking after their shops, quietly minding their own business and that makes this place peaceful and quaint...


You know? The type of lazy quiet afternoon, not like weekend lazy afternoon because you know the whole world is not working on that day too and it is official holiday that type of lazy afternoon. But this type of lazy quiet afternoon that i am talking about is the type of afternoon that you could only experience if you are a primary school student..

To you, the world is just the neighbourhood that you are in and you attend morning session in school and goes home at about 1+.. Showered, had lunch and quietly sitting there watching television while your mum works quietly behind on preparing dinner that type of lazy quiet afternoon.. Nothing matters in the world to you more than to sit in your home's living room watching your favourite cartoon on television and you are appreciative of the fact that you are in morning session so that you have more time in the afternoon to catch up with television, naps and playtime..

I think, it is age or it is all the things that i have went thru, that made me want to appreciate life.. I have a really not peaceful life recently and the only time where i felt that my soul is healing is when i went back to my dad's place... WITHOUT my mum or anybody else around... With dad, Cottony and me.. we could sit there for the whole afternoon, not talking at all... Dad playing computer, Cottony sleeping and me.. doing some baking or cooking... and after that let Dad try my cooking.. and even thou it was terrible, he just quiety ate it... and went back for second serving... That heals my soul... gave me inner peace... let me have some quiet moment and reaffirm the fact that somebody on earth could love me so much that my flaws is invisible to him, my good points are magnified and nothing matters to him more than my happiness...

With this random linkage of the serenity environment of Henry Park Apartment to Henry Ng the man... i have decided that i would name my son (if i ever have one) as Henrik..... I believe i would get along well with Henrik... (=

Leaving...

9:55 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
I thot the only feelings that I have when I leave is happiness.. But as the notice is out informing all relevant dept that I'm leaving, the heaviness starts to set in... It's been barely two days that the notice was sent and I saw a couple of concerned face asking me why am I leaving...

Luckily for me, most of them expressed sadness when they knew that I am leaving n that gave me the "hey! Actually I ain't that bad!" feeling...

Then the sadness n can't bear to leave feeling start to set in...

But I have to leave... The truth is, I have hit the lowest point in my life n only I can pull myself outta it... Some people might say that it is good to stay stable when u hit a low point which I agree but I need to repaint my life with new stuff cope with learning new things so that I can rebuild my life again and forget about all the unhappy things...

Yes, I'm crazy.. I love to rock the boat in stormy sea.. But hey I might end up rocking the boat according to the rhythm of the stormy sea n walk out of the crisis alive n more experienced!

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 27 May 2011

8:14 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
TFB went out today and got me this...
Thanks to the wonderful TFB who will always get me something nice when he knows that i am sick or feeling gloomy to cheer me up...

Blogskin

7:55 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Finally get to change my blogskin!!!
The reason for the talking and not doing is purely because i couldnt find a pretty blogskin and when i do find it, i am unable to apply it onto blogspot for technical reason that i am too lazy to go and resolve it....
So today i just went to search for it again and found this one which works!
And to be frank.. i really like this blogskin alot... it is green and the flowery effect on the top is something that i really like.
So yay! i finally found something that doesnt block up most of my blog space and is very very pretty... (=

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 26 May 2011

7:41 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
End of a great trip full of food and fun!
Thanks for the great trip!... Lets have one more soon.. (=

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 25 May 2011

7:37 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Went for the long awaited Malacca Trip after giving up that idea about half a year ago...
I feel blessed that i had great travel mates for the trip!

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 24 May 2011

7:33 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Went for prayer today and brought ice cream because it is a very HOT day...
I am thankful that i have a loving hubby who drives me to and fro work when he is not working and buying the MooMoo ice cream to remind himself that he is my MooMoo...

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 23 May 2011

7:26 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
Something happened today... pretty serious but i shall not mention this under my life is happy entry....
Brought TFB to Swensens for dinner tonight to lighten up his mood...
I am thankful that TFB came back in one whole bubbly piece and that i have the ability to treat him to Swensens to make him feel better...

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 22 May 2011

7:19 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
On the way back from town when we witness this...
Mother Nature has never fail to amaze me with the beauty she could display... No matter how deflated is my day, so long as i get to see the sunset at the end of the day... i remind myself that i have to be strong and nothing can defeat me... not when i could still see the sunset... nothing gets me down...

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 21 May 2011

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Brought Cottony out to Botanic Garden for a run on a bright sunny Sat (note: I do not like sunny weather, because me and sun dont go too well, but at least it is dry and Cottony can run!)
And we ended up in K9 Kafe for brunch...
What's more pleasing than having two men who love you have brunch with you on a lazy Saturday morning....

Project: My Life is HAPPY! 20 May 2011

3:11 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »
TFB had his farewel dinner at Raffles City and did not forget to buy me this... (=
It's a blessing to have somebody who think of you all the time and is willing to carry something that you like to eat home for you

Project: My Life is HAPPY!

2:41 AM Posted In Edit This 0 Comments »

Alot of things happened recently.... when i say alot, i meant really alot and it destroyed the world that i previously know and cherish...
For a long while, i felt really unhappy and lost the direction in life... But i've decide that some people are just not meant to be in your life and some relations are meant to be forsaken...
Since the life that i have known previously has been destroyed... i want to rebuild my life and the difference this time is.. i am not gonna appoint anybody as my life pillar.. this is for self protection so that my life will not come crashing down again if anybody leave my life...
Of course the man and the dog will always remain in my life...
I know that my life is happy... it is blessed and i should count my blessing... I am starting this Project: My Life is HAPPY to upload a picture that makes me feel that my life is blissful and happy every single day to remind myself that i actually have a happy life and should not waste it..
So.. here's my first day...
18 May 2011: Eating almond paste with hashima in vivo city while waiting for Cottony to be groomed... It's a blessing to have a person who loves you so much that he is willing to drive you around and spending the afternoon with him eating such delicious dessert with beautifying effect

What is Happiness???

1:32 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Happy... is a word that everybody loves to be associated with.....
Happiness... isnt it the thing you should pursuit after? People earn money, indulge in their hobbies, falling in love and working on things that they are passionated about... shouldnt all these be all done for happiness?
It should be the ultimate thing that people chase after right?
So why cant i have happiness? I know very well that i am unhappy now and i know why i am unhappy... yet, why do i chose to be unhappy?
Because being happy will mean making irrational decision? But.. that is what makes me happy right? So shouldnt it be the case?
Or i am holding out for a better outcome? But, this better outcome will take a long time to come if i am in my current state... so.. what am i supposed to do then?
I dont care.. i am serving my resignation letter tomorrow.... it is irrational, but at least it makes me happy... nothing matters more to me now than my sanity and happiness.. nothing else....

Scarlett Hair

7:47 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
As we get more into the married life...

The vision of a future with Scarlett decreases... From thinking up names for Scarlett and being very certain that we will have Scarlett.. till maybe... if have is good lah.. to.. it is okay if we dont have lah.. to.. i think actually it is a better thing if we dont have Scarlett... to... I am pretty certain that we are not gonna have Scarlett....

Maybe it is the pressure.. maybe it is gotta do with everybody having a kid.. or maybe it is gotta do with the fact that it is so close to me (Just got to learn that one of my ex colleague, who got married around the same period as i did is pregnant)... which creates this very strange feeling in me... I am really amazed and fascinated at the same time.. and i feel really happy for her... it is an amazing feeling that a little life is growing in you... you change from the stage of being a girl.. to being a mother.. from cant take care of yourself, needing your mum to take care of you.. to being able to not just take care of yourself, but another beings...

A mother's body is an amazing thing.. it has the ability to nurture a life in her... but.. i think.. i dont have that amazing body.. i admit that it is my selfishness that prevents me from thinking of a future with Scarlett in it.. i am unwilling to give up my freedom.. unwilling to go thru the usual cycle of being a mom and etc... i dont wish to experience all this at all...

At least.. at the current moment of time... everything that i have done so far, i did it with my brain.. with time in consideration.. but this time.. i am gonna let my heart do the decision.. i feel that i dont want to be a mummy at this point of time (well, i have two kids already anyway) and i so i am not gonna be one.. maybe... who knows in the future down the road.. i might visualise a future with Scarlett in it again...

In the meantime, she will exist in my blog... as an entry.. just in case i really decides not to give birth at all.. at least we remember that our kid would have been called Scarlett Hair...

Supposing....

5:40 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
Supposing u get secretly very excited when u see the job...
Supposing u know that u will get so excited doing this job...
Supposing this industry is actually very bitchy...
Supposing this job has no fixed hours.... Supposing u will meet very bitchy people in this job...
Supposing u might get heart attack everytime if u do this job...
Supposing despite the fact that u know all this, u are still very passionate about this job n ur hands will twitch uncontrollably when u see this job n u just wanna be part of it...
Supposing if u go on this road, it will be ur biggest gamble in life but u will look back with no regrets that u have tried it..

Will u still take on this job???

Setting Free....

8:30 AM Edit This 0 Comments »
I am setting you free... because i think you deserve somebody normal....

For me... i live in a negative and blue world... i chose to shut myself in this world.. where everything is sad and unhappy... you said that everybody appears in a person's life for a reason.. maybe yours is just to let me know.. what it is like to be loved and be pampered by somebody..

I see the struggle.. the differences in thots... and most importantly.. your losing of patience... and iti s not lost because of things that i do.. it is lost.. because of something that both of us have no control over...

I am deeply frustrated... maybe you cant feel it... and you think.. i dont care.. but i do.. and everytime i just get very frustrated by it..

You really derseve a normal life... find another person who loves you and is willing to give up everything for you... find a normal girl.. a girl who gets happy easily... who will laugh with you.. and enjoy life's little things with you..

Sorry, i dont have the ability to enjoy anything happy... i only deserve to be alone...

Torn

7:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
Spent the whole weekend at Yishun with TFB and Cotton and I had to admit, I really enjoyed it.

Staying at home, cooking for TFB, packing the place, trying to get it into a home, playing with Cotton and overall just making the whole place a better place to stay in… But, there is this very unrest feeling that I experienced… That is.. my kids and soft toys are not in this perfect weekend…

While I felt very settled down and happy that we get to spend a weekend doing all these stuff and not driving around, rushing around like mad people, I felt very torn that my kids and soft toys are not there with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t find them a chore, in fact, they are still a priority in my life… Without them, Sylvia will not be complete.. but I can’t move them in with me now… which is the worse part of this whole thing….

I would like to move to a place, where there is just TFB, the kids, soft toys and Cotton and I can stay there forever… but.. this place is not going to come so soon.

I feel so torn.. between the two places…. Sigh…

When is my flat gonna be completed?.......... When??????

P.S. But.. despite all this, i am still grateful for having a great life with a great husband and a krever dog...

Cotton

9:29 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
He is the new love in my life.... Thou he is now a bit yellowish n smelly....

Been so long...

9:14 PM Edit This 0 Comments »
It's been so long since I last posted an entry here.. Well here I'm trying out posting an entry via my iPhone n apparently it is really working!!! I think I'm really starting to explore how to use the phone fully.. (=

Some updates about myself.. Had my wedding on 13 November 2010 at Hilton hotel n I'm really grateful for the wonderful wedding.. Luckily there were no major problems n everything just ram by itself.. Shall blog bout the wedding another day..

Life seems to have taken a downwards spiral recently n everything just seems so hopeless when I found a speck of crystal in my office.. It is a really small speck n it falls off my nails that I did for my wedding day....

The crystal reminds me that it had seen the best of it's moment together with me n reminded me of my happy wedding day.. It is like a sign from whoever upstairs telling me not to give up on life as life has ups n downs.. Nothing last forever n the bad spell will not last forever too.. So long as I continue on with life.. I will see better moments...
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