I had a talk with TFB the other day with regards to having children and told him that i came from a very lousy extended family whom people are so selfish that they are totally emotionally incapable of giving warmth to another human...
I am not even saying about support you know, i am saying about warmth.. basic warmth.... they are not able to provide any at all.
By extended family, i dont mean my paternal side, i mean my maternal side of relatives. You see the problem with my family is that my maternal side has this secret desire to keep all the people close to them.. even the daughters after they are married out so that maybe one day they are able to take over the world? They dont allow us to regard ourselves as extended grandchildren or extended niece or nephews but constantly remind us that our surname is not the same as theirs and we are not their immediate family circle because we dont share the same surname as them.
So in short, they dont allow us to treat them as extended family and want us to place them in our immediate family circle but also constantly remind us that we dont share the same surname so we have no rights to walk into their immediate family circle at all.
Unfortuately for me, my mum loves to bring us back to her side of the family every single weekend when we are young to spend the weekend there... i think it is her so call bonding with the family but to us or me at least... it seems more like a suffering.. it is a weekly suffering that sees no end and not sure when it would stop. You would have thot that oh maybe she is not loved that is why she mention that but like having a nine years old writing in her diary that she hates the maternal grandma's house and dont wish to go because everybody just treated her and her family like dumbass?
Nine years old should be the age where i worried about my weight increasing, worried about my friend not writing in my autograph books and start to worry about when is my menses coming and how would it feels like. But instead, i was having troubles coping with the fact that my mum is delusional and prefers to believe that her siblings are all very loving while i could see that they seriously dislike us and want nothing to do with us and treat us like dumbass...
So you cant blame me for being cold sometimes because i have learn long ago that if i dont put in any emotion to anybody, if the person turns bad, i would have no sadness and i could look back feeling glad that i did not waste my care and concern on someone lousy.
Okay okay, when ever i talk about them, my blood boils... so much for not getting emotionally involved.. but you get the point right?
The truth is when you have such emotionally handicap parents, chances are, you will get emotionally handicap children as well. Due to the fact that their parents have one piece less in their heart, the children will have to somehow evolve to deal with that and the evolve will also leave them emotionally handicap in one way or another...
Because these emotionally handicap children have now grown into adults, these are the adults that my offsprings will have to deal with if i ever have offsprings...
The truth is because i am emotionally detached from alot of things and i hate these so call relative alot, i have offended alot of them since i was young... and i think they would have seen my kids like dirt as much as they would see me as a piece of dirt and would treat my kids as nothing but air but lower than dirt.. which can be quite hurting for kids you know?
When i look at the way the kids are being treated and the way things turn out and the way some tried to fight for attention, i couldnt help but tell myself that enough is enought.. If what i went thru is what my kids have to go thru, i really couldnt bear to bring them into this world to go thru all this just to cultivate another batch of emotionally handicap adults who will do the same to their next generation.
I have always been a very fair auntie... because i have seen and felt what it feels like to be treated unfairly and not nicely... i have always been giving whatever i could to the two nephews at home.. thou i know that alot of people said that i love the elder one more than the younger one, but hey who can fault me for that? I spent a good three years with the elder one before the younger one came along so the bonds between us is really huge... but despite this, i have never make the younger one feel underpriviledge... He just has to be who he is, dont have to fight for my love because i am a lousy person and my love is not worth it...
But i couldnt say the same for my kids.... you see the problem with me is that i have alot of emotion.. i keep them within me.. but i know how each feeling feels like and i would not treat another human in the way that i know doesnt feels good unless this person pissed me off real bad...
I couldnt say the same for the assholes who grew up with me that they are able to treat my kids nicely... As i have mentioned, they are emotionally handicap and they are not able to seperate issues by issues to treat the kids as another being outside of me... they said hurt them where it hurts the most.. if i have offsprings.. of course they would assume that hurting the offsprings will hurt me the most right?
I am not saying that they would hurt the kid, i am just saying that they would not be smart enough to seperate the mother from the kid and will end up treating my kids just like how my aunties and uncles treated me in the past....
I am jumping into conclusion? Oh no! I am definately not... I have seen past cases where my elder nephew got treated like a extended family stranger by an asshole who is supposed to be one of the aww so important person in my nephew life... simply because? They dont share the same surname and the asshole bear a grudge against the family from the beginning so the nephew's surname piss him off so badly that he couldnt seperate the nephew as another being by himself...
What i am saying is that because of this, i seriously dont feel like giving birth because there are alot of things that are really not within my control and i really cannot control how people chose to treat my kids but if i ever have kids, i would really want to shield them from all this unnecessary unpleasant things that will not help them in their growing up stage but will leave them scarred for life...
You know what my mum always say when i told her i dont like my aunties and uncles because they dont love me and i dont see the need in caring or visiting them? She will say haiya we all love you can already lor! of course i know that my parents dote on me.. and because i am strong... i am able to grow up... but i have emotion scars... and what did she do to make it worse? she still brings us there weekend after weekend after weekend...
And you would have thot that why not just endure and bear with it? Hey it is no fun to go to a house and be trapped there for eight house with a house full of people who hates you, you know? It is no fun at all.. and why do we need to put ourselves thru this type of nonsense which does nothing beneficial to our life? You dont like a social gathering, you will also find excuse not to attend and there are no people there hating you, you just feel bored there.... What's more for a house FULL of people who hate you to the core?
Seriously.. no fun at all....
So i am really confused about this... on one hand... i am seeing more and more cute babies around.. i know my maternal clock has died... yes it is dead and no matter how many people tell me that wait till you give birth you will know lah... i will not know okay?.... it is dead....
But i know that naturally as a person i would love to have kids and love kids too.... so we will just have to take one step at a time and see if we could really build a conducive environment for kids before we talk about it....
