Sylvia's World...

Actually i am supposed to blog about something else.. but i am really in no mood to blog about that nw... so i will blog bout my bal pt nw first...

Well.. i saw him today... initially i opt to curl my hair... but i noe that he like ppl with straight hair.. so i opt to straighten my hair with the end curl a big inwards huggin my face instead... when i saw him.. my first reaction was he is here... and i saw a girl following behind him.. so i knew immediately that, the girl behind is his gf... When i got to sit down.. he said hi in a bright tone to my friend.. and then a lukewarm hello to me.. i thot that he din recognise me.. then after a while things warm up a bit.. then i understand something.. how can you get into somebody's world when the door is tightly shut against you??... it is nt ur fault.. nor were you nt tryin hard enuff.. just that.. the door remain shut against you.. so no matter how hard you try.. you can even try banging ur body against the door.. in the end you will end up with a injured body.. and a injured heart..

SO... fast forwarding the evening.. he is getting married... they even got the house already.. i was sadden for a moment.. the moment that i had hope wun happen had happened... actually the moment that i cfm that he has a girlfriend.. the painful feeling return... the one whereby it felt as if ppl are tearing ur heart apart.. then after a while it vanishes... until i got the news that they will be getting married lah.. i felt numb.. numb as in nt feelingless.. but is pain and confused and panic and everything add in together to get the feeing numb.. but somehow somewhere i felt a sense of relieve.. i noe that i really cannot pin for him anymore... so i no longer felt obligated to love him.. so i am sort of free.. but.. the pain remain.. afterall i am not cold blooded.. pls give me a few days.. for me to mourn over this.. and take a emotional break.. tonight had been a emotional roller coaster for me.. and i wanna take a break.. i am close shop for a few days.. shall not entertain anybody.. just wanna rest.. and find my bal pt.. so that i can carry on with life.. and no longer feel the pain.. down down down.. Sylvia's server is seriously down.. and will need a few days to resume operating....

What did i do wrong??... Question my own question on and on.... What did i really do wrong??..... i feel like i am a tight piece of string... ready to snap anytime... The topic that made me wonder this.. is sensitive... but i am really very angry and tired...

Lets just said it in this way.. a sorry is a sorry... it should be said in the form of a sorry.. nt make some other silly comments or jokes to overcover the mistakes and then save the sorry... Rules that had originally been made had been broken... and ppl who made those rules are trying to ignore it.. to their own convenience... after all.. breaking the rules in this case.. wun do any damage to them... i am the one who suffered the consequences of breaking this rules.. and i am the only idiot who had following this rules throught out....

Ppl may said that i am a bitch that is picky.. but then i am nt!!... i am just enforcing those rules that had been enforced on me originally.. so what the fuck is the problem??....

Ppl only care about their own comfort zone.. it doesnt matter that other places is a war zone.. afterall it is nt their confort zone.. they just need to ensure that everything is fine in their confort zone.. the other places.. is other ppl's business...

I really cannot take it anymore.. i am so fuckingly angry.... i really dunno why i have to suffer the consequences of ppl's mistake.. and i even more hate it when the bastard who deserve this are goin scott free... that bastard should go to hell.. before he goes there.. he should suffer what we are suffering nw....

As the title suggest.. i have 1001 things to blog.. but i forgotten all bout them.. what is the thing about.. what is my thot.. i found out that nowadays i have short term memories.. perhaps it is my brain trying hard nt to tink bout things... nt to remember too much... but i had a v. funny thot in my mind yesterday...

My Ah Gong... nt the maternal one.. is the paternal one..
Well.. i am close to neither of my ah gong.. and i always wonder hw can a grandchild be close to their grandparents.. i had never had the chance to be close to them.. or rather mayb it is the timing problem that deny me the chances of bonding with them... When i sees didi with my mum.. i am always v. touched, by the closeness that the two of the share.... the grandma-child relationship.. they are so close to each other that they have alot of mo qi.. when didi said something.. my mum noes what he wants.. and when my mum said something.. didi understand her.. that is the type of relationship that i nv had a chance to build with my grandparents... Anyway.. back to topic.. yesteday.. i was at recept.. when this elderly man came.. i felt so ashame of myself because he came in an greeted me good afternoon in a very nicely with a semi bow. I felt so bad for lettin a elderly do that.. whats more.. at the end of the day when he is about to leave.. he came up to me and said 'Thank you miss'... my immediate reaction was 'wow......this elderly man is so nice'.. and i thot that he resemble my grandfather.. then i thot i used to have a grandpa like that too... i mean their behavior is sort of the same.. very quiet... very calm and gentle feeling.. at least that is the feeling that i got from my grandfather... and i start to miss him.. i always wonder why dun i get a chance to bond with him?... Nw that he is gone.. all that is leave is the blood bond that he is my grandpa... and nothing else... why izzit tht this person who is supposely one of my closest relative seem so distance from me?.. It seems that we are just aquitances.. anyway.. i realise that from this uncle that humble is the best.. it make ppl's day and it get things done as well... so i should try to be more humble in the future...

Today i learn another lesson.. i took a cab from home to work.. no choice last nite was disco nite.. the taxi driver was rather friendly and i found myself talking to him.. apparently this taxi driver is a uni graduate.. and he is driving a cab because his previous company had fold... and he has been jobless for five mth.. Then i realise that actually i should be rather content with my current situation.. even though it is not a bed of rose.. and it is not as good as some others.. as least it is nt that bad.. i still has a job... and even though i am just a dip holder.. but least i hold a regular job that gives me a decent pay.. nt bad lah my pay.. i am quite contented with it as it is currently...

So two lesson in two days.. always be humble and be contented with your life because it is way better than others... and something that i had though about.. the pasture is not always greener on the otherside!!

i am so bloody angry nw...

you noe the type of feeling whereby you are so tired that you just wanna give up??.. That is what i am feeling nw.. i noe that a normal life is a blessed life.. i noe there are thousands or million of ppl out there who are way way worse than me... but you noe that type of feeling where you noe that there are ppl who are worse than you out there but you are just so tired tat you just dun feel like doing anything at all??.. That is the feeling that i am getting nw... When you tried your best to do something and in the end it doesnt turn out to be the way you want it to.. it is disappointing.. i wonder if my easy going attitude have anything to do with this.. mayb because i know how it feels like to be disappointed when you tried ur best to do something.. so i would rather nt try my best... and if the outcome is good.. as least i can tell myself that hey you see?.. you are lucky!.. if i din make it.. i will reprimand myself saying that.. hey! you see you din try yourbest... this is all better than.. you tried ur best and cannot make it and have to tink and tink and tink bout what went wrong and etc and izzit that when you tried ur best this type of things still happen in life...

I noe this type of attitude is nt good... to tink in my head over and over and over again.. that i dun wan to get up again.. i just wanna lie here and die.. i dun wan to get up and start over again... but to tink bout it.. in life how can you gauge what is good or what is bad?... if i were to stop here... and dun get up.. does it commit a crime?.. It doesnt.. so why cant i??... I have to tell myself again and again to be strong to be strong... but hw can i be strong?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!