Sylvia's World...

Yep... recently there has been a string of unhappiness.. but can see my life picking up before me... erm how does this work? Dont ask.. only krever people noe...

Work has been busy for me.... getting more stuff to do.. which is good because more stuff means more responsibility which might means higher performance opportunity and more chances... okay i think i am not make sense.. but in summary just more work = Happy Sylvia

Postponed my wedding.. dont ask... if you are someone close to me.. you would have known the reason.. if you do not know the reason.. you are somebody who is not close to me.. and i probably wun tell you regardless of how many times you ask... What did you said?.. I am very dao?.. yar i am very dao.. i have a attitude problem.. and i dont intend to solve it.. hahaha

Went to Malacca over the weekend.. for one day only lah.. haha but enjoyed myself even though i have not went to alot of places.. in fact it is NOT REALLY loh and the only highlight of the trip is SUPER GOOD FOOD.. but it is good... really good to be going out on a trip with your parents... and siblings and nephew and sis in law and boyfriend.. even when i am overseas the whole place suddenly doesnt seems to be that scary and unsafe.... I really feel happy and good to be out with them.. and i hope we can go on another trip again.. (=

经过这几天想了这件事情后我终于落下了第一滴眼泪...
我才知道原来我这么伤心
人生走到这一步我真的很累了
我真的不知道为什么事情会变得这个样子
我真的错得很厉害吗?
对不起.. 我真的不想这个样子的
我不想让你烦恼也不想让你不开心
你的大喜之日我也真的很想出席
我好想像今年这样开开心心的帮你办喜事
为什么事情会变得这个样子
到底是天意还是人为
我只想开开心心的嫁人
我也希望你可以开开心心的嫁人
我真的是无心让你难过
我很开心能够看到我们俩人能够有幸福
可是唯一让我感到伤心的是我们不可以参加比此的婚礼
对不起....我真的对不起你

Was talking to TFB yesterday and somehow the topic linked to my fav quote of Ohana means family and family means nobody get left behind... or forgotten... so i told him that is the reason why i will always be there to help my sis or at least try to be there to help her whenever she needs help.. and something he told me really made me very happy.. he said that he dun mind helping my sis... because he felt that she is really very poor thing... okay.. this portion made me happy because i found somebody who is willing to help my family when they are in trouble.. esp my sister nt that she is a trouble maker... but she more or less attracts trouble to her all the time..

And talking and talking and i nearly cried... because i think what he said make alot of sense.. she tried very hard to make the family work she really tried very hard on her part to make the whole family work... but unfortunately the jerk gets away with everything... while she has to suffer with her two noisy kids while the jerk get to dress in branded every single day and just do whatever he wants and carry on life as if there has no chances, as if he has all the freedom in the world and as if he is not a father except that he has two sons who bear his surname but other than money (which is frankly not alot and not given the least bit willingly as well) and nothing else.. oh yar.. i forgot he does give them stuff... things like TROUBLE, SADNESS, TEARS AND DISAPPOINTMENTS

I can only said that this has to do with my sister's life lah... it is really nthing but the way her life is loh.... we cant blame anybody for this but at least dun make the kids suffer for the adult's decisions...

I still stick to my belief every single day that tat jerk will get his retribution... now or future.. he will get it... and he wun get away with it..

Okay..... finally some updates...................

Have some very very big news that i need to announce.. actually by now... i think almost the whole world would have known about it.. (the power of multiply) but i would still like to officially announce it on my personal blog.. for reference purpose.. for whatever purpose lah.. TFB has proposed to me... He proposed to me on 1 Oct 08 while we were having sky dining to celebrate his birthday... though i have already expected the proposal because he told me before that when he wanna propose he will bring me to sky dining and he was looking for rings before that and he wanted to go to sky dining for dinner for his birthday so with all these hints put together... i can correctly said that he was gonna propose to me that day and so he did... but then i still felt very touched when he said the sentence "Will you marry me?" my heart just melted...

So i cried he cried and it was a touching moments with Little Green De being our witness, ring inspector, entertaintment etc etc...

Our wedding date is set on 29 Nov 09 it all seems like a dream or unconfirmed thing that till now... i dun really dare to go and action on alot of things for fear that half way thru somebody will cut out and stop us to inform us that there is a change in dates etc etc... this is due to the fact that my cousin is getting married on 25 Dec 09 and being the traditional chinese that we are.. We cant attend each other's wedding because it is less than three mth apart.. for whatever reason that i am not sure but then marriage is a once in a lifetime thingy so better dun risk it... It doesnt help even more that my cousin's mum is currently fuming and when i say fuming i mean fuming that she said tat she will not talk to me anymore for this whole lifetime.. so i really dunno how tis problem is gonna be resolved and i am really sorry about this but getting married at that date is not a rash decision that we blindfold each others and point on the same date simultaneously but more of a calculation thingy that saids that that is a date that is good for us... i really hope that my cousin's mum can forgive me..

Hopefully all will turn out well..

I have officially joined in the bling bling club!.... ^_^

Well... apparently eating too much cough med will really make you high lor... i got this high high feeling now...

BUT please dun think that i am a druggie hor.. it just so happened that my super blur sotong mum.. pointed to tablet and told tfb that the tablet is for flu and the syrup is for cough.. somore drink the syrup le cannot drink water for super effect... So i took two tablet and one table spoon of syrup.. then mum told us.... that both items that i have taken is for cough... and she die die die die refuses to admit that she said the wrong thing citing that we heard wrongly.. - -"'

Two person four ears can hear wrongly meh? Somemore i got supersonic hearing... can hear wrong one meh?... wah kao... mayb she did it on purpose hor?... i suspect so too.. my mum is evil... tsk tsk tsk...

How man... feel like sleeping it off... how to get up for work tomorrow man.. HOW TO SURVIVE WORK TOMORROW MAN? argh............................................................................................

I must must remind Toffee not to disturb my mum too much or i might find him overdosed with drugs when i come home one day...

I need to clarify that it is not sad okay... nor izzit depressed.. it is the ah beng and ah lian style of what you not happy arh?.. yar i not happy!... why not happy arh.. figh lah! that type of not happy...





The feeling is like.... the not happiness is a bottomless pit with cushion... and your heart keep falling downwards in this not happy bottomless pit then you hit a cushion but you cant get up because it is soft cushion so as you lie down there.. you sink further into the not happy pit feeling...





So the emotion expression is something like this:

Yar... looks super not happy right?...

I guess it is just me being grumy on a monday due to monday blues.... having to wake up early after two days of slacking is never a good thing for me... always wonder where did the eagerness to work went to.. i remember there was a period where i was never affected by monday blues.. haiz... hopefully that period can come back soon...

Clean, happy, well rested (well they are well rested all the time) bears who just came home from a bear spa...

That we are actually all playing a game of hide and seek.... in a sense..

Up till now... i really did not realised that one of my friend are suffering so much in silence... all the while.. me and my other friend thot tat she will not be victimised... but we are wrong man!... She gets push around all the time too...

So we really dunno how to do.... The thing is... i never realised that in a group of human.... with all of them being victimised by the same person.... but yet none of them would voice it out... for the sake of peace.... i guess that is why there is this phrase He Ping De Dai Jia.... i just find it very sick when a person doesnt have basic social skills at all..

Haiz... shall not mention more... To us.. all the best.. we shall hu xian fu chi...

Today is a very sad day...

Bluey and Sugar went for a shower together... Originally i thot that money can solve all problem.. i seriously think this way when i brought them out for their shower.. I thot that if i paid extra... i will be able to get them back within a day...

Today then i learned that it is not that way.... Bluey and Sugar will be gone for one week.... )=

I feel so sad!... I think the auntie muz have thot that i am a psycho because i was crying when i pay her the money and handed the both of them to her... but but... to me they are not just soft toys.. they are part of my family... Bluey was so freaked out by the idea of me leaving him that he thot i am leaving him for good.... Sugar din tell me much but i knew that he dun really wanna stay there but have no choice...

My heart hasnt felt so sore for a very long time and today i felt the heart pain again when i hand them over to the auntie.... booo hooo hooo... six long days to saturday before i can get them back..... )=

If i have not mentioned it before... I will mention it now.. even though my career path has not been the ideal career path... I am glad that i have been meeting very great colleagues..

I am serious!.... I think that i am really very fortunate to have very nice colleagues who truly want to teach me something for my future... Like Fifi.. who has acted like a big sister to me all these while... teaching me to be brave and matured... I am really glad to meet her... and I really admire her selflessness for being always so willing to teach me...

Then.. there is Lao Da and Mdm Koh... whom i met from NLB...

Lao Da may scold me sometime.. but i know that she does that from her bottom of her heart to guide me onto the correct path... I really misses her alot.. and i tried going back to NLB a few times but i just couldnt bump into her working hours... )=
Mdm Koh on the other hand is like this really really really really super duper nice lady who is forever there helping me to cover my ass.... She is forever willing to drop whatever she has to save me from whatever shit hole that i have fallen into and I have to said that these two ladies really helped me alot when i was in NLB... (Muz date them out one day and treat them to dinner)

Then there is Zhou Ah Mu.. hahaha.. okay lah... Zhou Ah Mu is somebody whom i already noe when i was doing my internship... and i have always known that he is a very nice person...

So when i went back to the company to work.. he has extended his kindness to me... There are four of us (girls) in the office whom Zhou Ah Mu look after alot.. oei.. dun think he is doing it for anything okay... Zhou Ah Mu really look after us like his daughter hor... And i really felt very pai seh at time because i think that i couldnt help Zhou Ah Mu much but he has been helping us all along.. that is why we call him Zhou Ah Mu (Mother Chow)

So thank you very much hor Zhou Ah Mu

So i am really glad that i have been meeting nice people at work all these while and i really thank them from the bottom of my heart... (=

Is a very good show!!...

It is such a good show that.... i think i will buy the DVD when it is out.. (notice i mention DVD and no longer VCD?.. Because Tofubrain has kindly donated his DVD player to me... so now i have a DVD player... YAY!)

The whole show is really good and you dun nd to try and figure things out too much... just go along with the show and you will understand the whole thing... I would really have expect Harvey Dent to be more handsome because according to the comic, he is supposed to be very good looking... but the joker's acting is really good.. pity that he passed away..

Hopefully he can rest in peace knowing that his final work is being praised by so many people in the world for such good acting...

Okay.. i actually have alot of nonsense to blog about... but.. before i blog about those nonsense..

I tink i need to blog about something else that is really bothering me... bothering me like a giant ulcer in my mouth.. in this case.. it is a ugly ulcer that is in my heart...

对不起妈妈... )=

I think i have been really nasty to her for this period of time... esp when i was having a sore throat... Well.. i can explain that she know that i have a sore throat but she still get me to make phone call.. and that irriates me to no end.. but that is no excuse to be nasty to her...

In case you are wondering why i am blogging here since my mum will never read my blog... this is to serve as a reminder to me to be nice to her regardless of how unreasonable she is (in this case she was not always unreasonable to me)...

No matter what happened in the past.. hw she bully somebody i love the most on this earth... it gives me no right to be so rude to her...

No matter what it is..... i dun have the right to be rude or nasty to my mum..

Sylvia you are the worse nasty mean bean i have encountered... You better think about your action and stop being so rude...

Yeah.. Marilyn saved my life today by giving me that life saving packet of instant campbell soup... okay.. she didnt give me.. i took it frm her drawer but that was because she was busy talking on the phone with the 'IT God' aka my ex boss tryin to resolve some IT problem.. But seeing that 5pm is ticking away every single min (my med time is supposed to be at 5pm) i had no choice but to be rude... I am usually a nice girl *show angel smile*

So i managed to drink the soup and eat my med before 5pm is over... yay!... *Bow* and say Xie Xie Marilyn. Seriously i think that Marilyn Auntie is a very nice lady... she is generous de lor.... forever sharing her food with other people and helping people and will try to take care of people when they are sick.. So yar.. it is very nice to have Marilyn Auntie aka SYGYM around all the time.. that is why hor.. whenver her boyfriend bully her.. i will volunteer to use my slipper to slap him.. okay okay.. kidding.. but Marilyn Auntie is a nice girl.. so the boyfriend muz be nice to her... ^_^

Ohh Ohh.. Marilyn Auntie is flying to Bangkok tomorrow morning aka later 3am plus she has to go to the airport le... so you have a nice and safe trip hor... Dun miss Shu Pian and Da Le because i will take good care of the both of them...

There is another thing that Tofubrain told me yesterday that bugs me alot... There is this toad (unfortunately this toad is his colleagues... i wonder why company will hire toad in marketing department)...

The toad will always luff at Tofubrain whenever Tofubrain wear his SPCA tee... which.. i dun understand what is the funny part... it is supposed to be for a good cause seriously.. and it really takes a toad with a very hideous looking heart and look to oversee the good cause and luff at Tofubrain..

To the toad.. respect urself, respect others... if you are totally incapable of being socially correct or nice.. just keep quiet.. nobody will miss your worthless suggestion or feel bothered at all if you keep quiet.. in fact you are doing the world a deed by not contributing a huge amount of noise pollution to the already polluted earth.. Help us to help you by keeping quiet so that you dun cause any further damage to ur super hideous image..

P.S. To Marilyn Auntie if you are reading the entry:
Sorry Marilyn Auntie that the entry i wrote about you have to end with a small segment about hideous toad.. just that the toad is really too much.. i muz blog and shame the toad..

Have been sick since last last wk ago, suspect is kena from tofubrain and my dad... so i dragged on illness (no big deal, just flu, cough and sore throat) until thursday evening then i went to see doctor... Doctor gave me med for me to finish and along the way... as i didnt really see myself as a sick person, i had choclate and durian.. X=

So the med is supposed to make me a healthy person within three days but i am still having a sore throat, slight cough and flu..... the amount of mucus that i blow out is enough to make me suspect that there is nothing in my head except for mucus... So i went back to see the doctor who gave me a $2 per pill antibiotics... So for this month i am dead broke because i spend about $80 seeing doctors for a simple infection....

And doctor warned me that if i dun recover within three days... I have to go back and see him.. no dragging until on month then go back and tell him that i have not recovered yet... because.. if it is a simple infection and if i dun recover within three days... then something must be wrong )=

Oh man.. that doesnt sound good at all!!!... So now.. i will be a good kid, stay away from durian, chocolate, deep fried food, shouting.. and talking too much... but the phone at my office has been ringing since this morning!!!... No good sign at all!! I hope i dun have to resort to taking mc just to stay away from the phone... haiz..

So in the meantime... if you wanna chat with me.. you are still welcome to do so over msn... dun talk to me in real person unless you wanna get ignored.. or see a really angry face from me....

Sylvia and soft toys cannot talk for this period of time.... )=

I cant emphasis more...

I hate donut life.. I hate people who have a sugar coated life because these people just seems so wayang to me... They have not been thru the hard part of life and then they are oh so sweet all the time, so innocent most of the time and always kind and clear with no fault at all..

I lagi hate it when donut life obviously have a other half yet needs to rely on other people to get things done for them..

I even more hate it when the people who are being asked to do things are people cloest to me.. so.. if you are one of the people cloest to me.. and you are in touched with any particular donut life that i hate... you better better better stay far away frm that person and not help that person do anything in anyway and dun even chat with that person .................. otherwise i will take no chance in scolding you and slashing out at that donut life...

A jewellery webbie set up by my sis and sis in law: Kaleidoscope Emporium

The ladies specialises in selling jewelleries made of real crystal, be it you want crystal jewelleries to suit ur birth month, or to get crystal jewelleries for their natural function (healing, beauty, calming, etc etc) you wil definately be able to find something inside for you.

If you cant find anything that you like, you can always email them with your design or your requirements and they will try to customise the jewellery for you..

As all jewelleries are handmade, therefore, all piece are unique.. (=

So feel free to browse through their webbie for nice and affordable crystal jewelleries that is not only for beauty purpose but for other purposes as well!

Well, it is not as if this is the first time that i am being misunderstood..

But i just noticed something quite scary.. that is whenever something happened, nobody stand on my side.. nobody.. this makes me think about it.. it is worth it to be helping people all the while then when something happened.. nobody bothered to ask me why am i feeling this way.. everybody just ignored me.. as if it is just right to ignore me..

Ohana means family?... mayb for an idiot like me.. ohana means family... i was never a ohana to anybody else.. because when something happened... everybody is always standing on other side.. nt my side.. be it whether i am rite or wrong... but life still goes on rite?... because i am the one who chose to be on the quieter side.. chose to retreat to my room side.. so i am WRONG

Nobody has ever thot of why i flared up.. everybody think i am just being a mad dog.. but has anybody every asked me why am i so angry?... over something that is so cheap?... i am not that materistic... my point of view is that i will never do experiment on other people's stuff... so i expect the same type of respect towards my stuff... same three items belonging to three different people... but why izzit that when it was mine item then it was used to do all sort of experiments?.... If all three were subject to the same type of experiements, i dun mind... BUT WHY MINE? I wun do experiment on other people's stuff.. because i RESPECT that the item belonged to somebody else and i have no right to do that... i will do experiment on my own stuff.. but why cant i get that type of respect?...

Is that too much to ask for??...... So ohana actually means selective family?.. not all... because i dun feel ohana at all.. mayb i was an idiot at the beginning all along?... Mayb i shouldnt go all out to help people sometime because the goodwill doesnt flow back....

I dun noe when to let go....

friends... cca..... colleagues....

i never noe when to let go.. until things turned nasty then i start to feel really sad as to why is things like this now when it used to be better.. chatted with a friend recently and either he was busy.. or he cant really be bothered to chit chat with me..

We used to be good friends.. yet... nthing happened between us... we din quarral or disagree in anything.. we just drifted apart... and then.. we became just very basic friend.. instead of the very good friend that we used to be...

Why will this happen... everytime something like that happened.. i will feel very sad.. i tried my best to remain as i am.. but things changed and everything just drifted apart... must as i wanna keep the ties close... i just cant do it alone... i cherish my friendship with my friends.. but then i cant keep up the friendship by myself.. i do understand that people do have their own life to lead.. their own stuff to do.. but all i asked for is to maintain a friendship.. is that so hard?

Or mayb i am just too irritating to be true?... sigh...

Actually, it is not at one time.. but more of at one period of time.

So i have been feeling a huge surge of emotion but i dunno what type of emotion i am feeling actually. I just know that there is this huge feeling in my heart.

Found my ex-friend's blog a few days ago and read about what happened in her life during these few years.. Well, i am no longer in talking term with this friend of mine because our friendship did not exactly ended in the nicest way but i think it ended in most pro the ugliest way ever. It is amazing how you used to be the bestest friend around but can just turn into enemy overnight but that is life isnt it?

Anyway.. i have gone back to playing maplestory.. We managed to find a server that is like super sonic fast in level-ing up.. So all of us are back to playing maplestory once again..

And to end this off... I am getting fatter leh!.... I can feel it lor.. how??.. die lah die lah.. i wanna slim down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watched a documentary about Monty Roberts recently and a sentence from his synopsis remain deeply rooted in my mind.... The meaning of the sentence is that to train a horse, you often have to break the will of this strong willed animals and often, the breaking of the will is done through cruel treatment...

Why am i mentioning about this?...

I had a conversation with my parents who told me that they noticed that didi is growing very skinny recently and then they tried to track the cause of didi being so skinny recently.. then my dad commented that mayb it is a psychological effect that causes didi to stop eating so much..

Didi is a person who is really stubborn.. I remembered that when he was a few months old, my sis tried to pat him to coax him to sleep but he refuses to sleep.. I took over from her and try to pat didi and he stubbornly keep sitting up even though he is sleepy and refuses to sleep.. So didi is a very stubborn person.. could it be that.. in order to make him obey them... some people tried to use scaring methods to make him obey?..

So much so that the frequent scaring causes him to be really afraid of all the things that even his own shadow scare him?... I feel really upset if didi really went thru all these of being frighten by people until he is so dan xiao... I really hope that i can find ways to help him....

Once again....

*I love didi*

Yay! I got my letter today! The letter to inform me of my conversion to permanent staff and my bonus etc etc. I was so happy when i receive the letter!

Looking back, i felt that my hardwork has not been wasted and it has been recognised. Somewhere along the year, i really lose faith in life and felt ultra crappy and lousy. In fact, i felt that i am the lousiest person in the whole world sometime but now i am really appreciative to the fact that i have a blessed life and i will cherish it.

I felt happy that i have not gone off track even though i felt lousy and hang on so to it. Like what i believe, challenges are thrown to you to make you stronger when you overcome it. I will not let anything get me down anymore and i will be strong..

Found this in Straits Time:
http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest%2BNews/Singapore/STIStory_236642.html?vgnmr=1

I think it is really cruel and sick that somebody are killing cats like that... Not only cats, sometime dogs kena the same thing.. or birds or any type of animal that is not that threatening that people can find on the streets..

I certainly dun tink it is funny to stab the cats then pour thinner all over them..

I think this people are cowards... pure cowards who cant achieve anything in life and so they have the prove that they are stronger by killing or abusing animals..

No matter how dirty the cat is.. no matter how many of them are they, nobody has the authority to act as god and take the life of others... if human life are precious... how about animal's life?..

If people dislike cats so much shouldnt they do this, they should report to the authority about it and see if the authority can do anything.. even if the authority cant really do much, leave them alone.. What can the cats do?.. They fight with you for food?.. Fight with you for houses and jobs?... All they do is stay there and mind their own business.. I still believe that unless provoked they wun attack..

So i really hope that the pervert who did these will be caught earlier to prevent more cats frm suffering... I would hope that he can go thru the same thing that he has done to the cats but to do that is to go as low as the pervert.. So i hope that the law will deal with the pervert according..

Yay!.. I have cleared my mountain of clothes yesterday... *bow* but my room is not clean yet... in fact.. it is far frm clean.. since i have so much energy for cleaning my room up frm yesterday, i shall make full use of it to continue cleaning my room today..



Hopefully by the end of today, my room will be spotlessly clean. There are alot of stuff that i need to throw away, like i need to downsize my computer table to a small one, move my computer to one side and let TFB aka Tofu Brain help me fix it.. *Look down at my nicely done manicure nail... sniff sniff.. bye bye nice nail polish* Beside downsizing my computer table, i intend to move the TV table over as my computer table (it is something that my dad did for me.. so CANNOT throw away) and move out the TV and the sofa..

Hopefully by the end of tonight, i will have a clean and neat room.

Actually i always wonder.. I am somebody who studied categorizing, archiving etc.. how come all my documents and everything are in a mess???... Oh Man!...

I made non-bake oreo cheesecake over the wkend...

Apparently.. my cheesecake taste... salty... )=

Actually the cheesecake really came form up as a cake lah.. meaning that the cheese was not too creamy after freezing it... so the texture should be alright... just nd to work on it more.. and then it doesnt taste extremely salty.. a little bit sweet.. but definately not sweet by cheesecake standard... i guess i would nd to add more sugar into the cheesecake to make it sweeter..

Shall make oreo cookie base the next time instead of using digestive cookie...

Haha.. if i managed to make nice tasting and lagi nicer looking cheesecake then i post online for everybody to see okay?.. (=

Saw my colleague from another dept just now..

Conversation went like this:

Colleague: Hw is life?
Me: Good..
Colleague: Erm.. you like put on a bit of weight leh...
Me: I also think so!
Colleague: Ya.. inform you first...

*Sniff**Sniff* I am officially on a saving sylvia's weight programme... Popiah shall be my good friend again for the next countless no. of month until i hit my target of 55 kg...

Yay.. counting down another six more days to my trip to taiwan and boy am i excited about it! Well for one thing.. Taiwan has always been one of the county on my must visit list (the list is not very long actually) so i am really looking forward to my trip lah!... Secondly i have never been on a plane before (mountain tortise hor?) so i am a bit scared about that too!...

BT's birthday is coming up soon and we are gonna celebrate for her this coming saturday.. something dear said yesterday made me realised that i have no more energies to do all the stuff that i used to do.. like helping people celebrate birthday?... doing handicraft stuff for them.. going the extra miles to do stuff for them?.. The question is WHY?... why did i lose all my energies?.. was it because of all the disappointments that i have suffered all these while?... Was it because i have used up all my energies during my younger days and i have no more energies left to do it?.. Was i getting lazy.. I guess... it is a little of everything that causes me to become like that... so oh well... i am quite bothered by the fact that i am not that enthu anymore... but other than that... i am alright with my current situation..

If there is one thing that i would regret.. is that i have spend less time with my friends.. and by friends i dun mean big grp.. but only the two of them.. by one whom i have been to together to malaysia recently.. i felt that something has changed in her... and.. there is a past that she has not let go.. even though she has said that she has gotten over it (well sort of) but i can felt that she has not let go of that part... i am not that in touch with their feeling anymore and that makes me feel so bad... i really hope that i can touch their hearts again and make a differences in their life... making them feel more comfort... and happier... i dun like my friends to wear mask in front of me.. esp when they are sad.. because i noe how it feels like.. the mask that you have to wear.. and take off at the end of the day.. to face all the sadness in the world all by urself is not funny..

It is not like watching a show whereby you see the girl pretending to be happy and then after that she go home and cry then zoom to the next scene whereby it is another day or what.. but it is more of watching the scene where the girl pretend to be happy and then go home.. and face the heaviness of the sadness for the whole freaking time that she is by herself... and couldnt find a base to land on.. NOW that is sad....

I regret for all my action of not being able to comfort them.. and drift further and further away frm them.. and i hope that i can get them back into my life.. as themselves.. and not wearing masks...

Recently (actually not recently.. was a while ago) something happened... I had chose not to blogged about that incident because i dun wanna be viewed as a bitch who will come back and cry to the whole world when something happened and people view it as my fault..

However, based on my recently observation (mayb i was thinking too much) i start to believe that there might be some sort of things goin on behind my back to help the weaker party against the bitchy party (ME).. I dunno how true this is but it is just based on my observation...

Maybe they have form this against me committee that i didnt noe because everybody felt like i have been going around stepping on everybody's toes... well... i shall not try to explain if that is what everybody is thinking about.. i shall not explain my behavior because i have indeed been bitchy... but i hope before you condamn me.. think about it.. was i bitchy because i wanted to be... or was i bitchy because of the situation?... Was i treated fairly and not being bitched at as well?... Apparently my trying to care and set things rite attitude has been viewed as a form of bitchiness and people can take it in their own hands to be bitchy against me too... what?.. am i supposed to just be there and take their shit and smile to them after taking their shit?.. i may look stupid but i am not..

Or.... do i get wronged for something that i wasnt even at fault for?... After thinking about it for a long and hard time.. i have decided not to care anymore... why do i even care in the first place when things happened usually i am not the one who will get the support that i want?.. I guess this phrase "Aiya.. Ah Bee is just being a mad dog again" came out of alot of people's mouth for alot of time... well it is fine.. because i dun care anymore... Why would i wanna care when i cant set things straight because obviously white is back and black is white?... i have plenty of other stuff that i need to do.. SO it obviously doesnt pay to be caring at all.. so i dun care anymore... be it tsunami flood my house... people around me turning bad... people around me obviously gonna get hurt.. it is none of my business.. i dun wanna get hurt.. nor act like a mad dog ever again... so yeah.. take life easily.. things will still happened.. people will still try to cover their act in front of me or try to talk bad behind me.. people will still form support group behind me no matter what happened.. it is just another day.. so why not take it easy and dun care??..