What did i do wrong??... Question my own question on and on.... What did i really do wrong??..... i feel like i am a tight piece of string... ready to snap anytime... The topic that made me wonder this.. is sensitive... but i am really very angry and tired...
Lets just said it in this way.. a sorry is a sorry... it should be said in the form of a sorry.. nt make some other silly comments or jokes to overcover the mistakes and then save the sorry... Rules that had originally been made had been broken... and ppl who made those rules are trying to ignore it.. to their own convenience... after all.. breaking the rules in this case.. wun do any damage to them... i am the one who suffered the consequences of breaking this rules.. and i am the only idiot who had following this rules throught out....
Ppl may said that i am a bitch that is picky.. but then i am nt!!... i am just enforcing those rules that had been enforced on me originally.. so what the fuck is the problem??....
Ppl only care about their own comfort zone.. it doesnt matter that other places is a war zone.. afterall it is nt their confort zone.. they just need to ensure that everything is fine in their confort zone.. the other places.. is other ppl's business...
I really cannot take it anymore.. i am so fuckingly angry.... i really dunno why i have to suffer the consequences of ppl's mistake.. and i even more hate it when the bastard who deserve this are goin scott free... that bastard should go to hell.. before he goes there.. he should suffer what we are suffering nw....
As the title suggest.. i have 1001 things to blog.. but i forgotten all bout them.. what is the thing about.. what is my thot.. i found out that nowadays i have short term memories.. perhaps it is my brain trying hard nt to tink bout things... nt to remember too much... but i had a v. funny thot in my mind yesterday...
My Ah Gong... nt the maternal one.. is the paternal one.. Well.. i am close to neither of my ah gong.. and i always wonder hw can a grandchild be close to their grandparents.. i had never had the chance to be close to them.. or rather mayb it is the timing problem that deny me the chances of bonding with them... When i sees didi with my mum.. i am always v. touched, by the closeness that the two of the share.... the grandma-child relationship.. they are so close to each other that they have alot of mo qi.. when didi said something.. my mum noes what he wants.. and when my mum said something.. didi understand her.. that is the type of relationship that i nv had a chance to build with my grandparents... Anyway.. back to topic.. yesteday.. i was at recept.. when this elderly man came.. i felt so ashame of myself because he came in an greeted me good afternoon in a very nicely with a semi bow. I felt so bad for lettin a elderly do that.. whats more.. at the end of the day when he is about to leave.. he came up to me and said 'Thank you miss'... my immediate reaction was 'wow......this elderly man is so nice'.. and i thot that he resemble my grandfather.. then i thot i used to have a grandpa like that too... i mean their behavior is sort of the same.. very quiet... very calm and gentle feeling.. at least that is the feeling that i got from my grandfather... and i start to miss him.. i always wonder why dun i get a chance to bond with him?... Nw that he is gone.. all that is leave is the blood bond that he is my grandpa... and nothing else... why izzit tht this person who is supposely one of my closest relative seem so distance from me?.. It seems that we are just aquitances.. anyway.. i realise that from this uncle that humble is the best.. it make ppl's day and it get things done as well... so i should try to be more humble in the future...
Today i learn another lesson.. i took a cab from home to work.. no choice last nite was disco nite.. the taxi driver was rather friendly and i found myself talking to him.. apparently this taxi driver is a uni graduate.. and he is driving a cab because his previous company had fold... and he has been jobless for five mth.. Then i realise that actually i should be rather content with my current situation.. even though it is not a bed of rose.. and it is not as good as some others.. as least it is nt that bad.. i still has a job... and even though i am just a dip holder.. but least i hold a regular job that gives me a decent pay.. nt bad lah my pay.. i am quite contented with it as it is currently...
So two lesson in two days.. always be humble and be contented with your life because it is way better than others... and something that i had though about.. the pasture is not always greener on the otherside!!
you noe the type of feeling whereby you are so tired that you just wanna give up??.. That is what i am feeling nw.. i noe that a normal life is a blessed life.. i noe there are thousands or million of ppl out there who are way way worse than me... but you noe that type of feeling where you noe that there are ppl who are worse than you out there but you are just so tired tat you just dun feel like doing anything at all??.. That is the feeling that i am getting nw... When you tried your best to do something and in the end it doesnt turn out to be the way you want it to.. it is disappointing.. i wonder if my easy going attitude have anything to do with this.. mayb because i know how it feels like to be disappointed when you tried ur best to do something.. so i would rather nt try my best... and if the outcome is good.. as least i can tell myself that hey you see?.. you are lucky!.. if i din make it.. i will reprimand myself saying that.. hey! you see you din try yourbest... this is all better than.. you tried ur best and cannot make it and have to tink and tink and tink bout what went wrong and etc and izzit that when you tried ur best this type of things still happen in life...
I noe this type of attitude is nt good... to tink in my head over and over and over again.. that i dun wan to get up again.. i just wanna lie here and die.. i dun wan to get up and start over again... but to tink bout it.. in life how can you gauge what is good or what is bad?... if i were to stop here... and dun get up.. does it commit a crime?.. It doesnt.. so why cant i??... I have to tell myself again and again to be strong to be strong... but hw can i be strong?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Well.. blogged something.. saved as draft.. i wanted to display that.. just that i need to do some editing to that entry.. but i found that there is nothing that i can take away.. coz every single sentence is really from the bottom of my heart...
The feeling nw is lonely... very lonely and it is a deafening lonely.. like i told beeting.. it is like.. you are playing with a grp of friends in a play ground.. then one by one.. they leave you for other places.. and you are the only one left there.. yet you cant join them.. it is that type of feeling..
I tink i reflect what Bai He said in The Rose.. I am just a ugly duckling who had accidentally stumbled into the swam's herd..
I guess the duckling can only stay on earth while she sees all her fellow companionship flies away.. i am not sayin this with a hint of jealousy.. not even a single hint.. just my part of sadness noeing how much less companionship i am goin to get in the future...
Let me side track a bit first... I am listening to Super Woman from Cao Ge nw.. erm.. haha the thot just side track to whose super woman do i belong to.. but then.. mayb i am my own super woman.. and my own only.. sad~ ... but mayb it is better this way...
Anyway get back to today's topic.. my dad was discussing with me about alighting and boarding bus prob when we were on our way back home from dinner.. He was telling me that the other time when he and my mum was boarding a bus.. they were first in the q.. and behind them were a bunch of students who were seated.. when the bus was here.. immediately all the students started rushing forwarded and my mum managed to get thru, but my dad was 6th to 7th in the q.. until he voiced out to respect elderly then those students let him get thru the bus.. this is soo funny.. i mean i am not saying this because this happened to my dad.. i will voice out the same for any elderly that was being treated this way.. let us recap.. why does ppl have to rush up a bus.. there are only two reason... first because it is rush hr and if you dun rush you will nv make it.. second you want a seat.. for those who rush up the bus for the second reason, dont you think it is shameful?.. I mean youngsters who are healthy should always give up their seats to elderly who needs them more than those youngsters do.. so why in the world is there a need to rush up the bus then?... I have seen many cases of elderly in the MRT standing.. really old ppl.. and those youngsters, will just cuddle with their other half and pretend nt to see... some will indulge in their music as if they are deaf or the others will chose to sleep.. all in all they will all pretend nt to see anything.. and i felt very surprise by this.. i mean why dun they feel every a bit of feeling towards this grp of elderly ppl who needs seats more than they do.. nt because they are plain lazy, but it is very dangerous for elderly ppl to fall down and they are not as agile as youngsters so standing firm in a MRT might be a difficult task for them.. yet this youngster just refused to see them and pretend that nothing had happened.. What are this ppl doin??.. I really dont understand.. and sometime i really feel v. angry toward this ppl who refused to give up their seats..seriously i dun understand.... what are young ppl nowadays thinking??.. Are their health really that bad that they will injured themselves by giving up their seats to elderly ppl?...
Well.. you noe the feelin when you desperately wants something and couldnt get it, then when you doesnt want that thing anymore, you keep on getting it?.. That is the feeling that i am having nw.. you noe in the past when i was in secondary school.. i always hope tat i could get a fever and hope and hope and hope.. and seriously.. for the four yrs that i was in sec school.. i was only seriously really sick for one time!!!..... Then nw that i have started workin.. i desperately hope that i wun get sick.. and guess what.. within 3 mth of my work... i was sick for four time!... and everytime is high fever de lor...
I really dunno what is wrong with my body nwadays man... the fever just come and go like nobody's business.. completely no way to trackle now the fever comes by... i used to be so healthy that i can just eat anything i want.. go under the rain and sun also no prob.. nw my body really very bad lor..!!!.... I cant let this goes on.. I tink i muz live healthily nw... more fruits.. no more chocolate.. and more exercise.. and no more late nights.... sigh~
Wo zhi dao shang xin bu neng gai bian she mer Na mer, rang wo cheng shi yi dian Cheng shi na mian you bu neng kong zhi de xian xian Zhi yao kuan sheng le men, bu bi li shui
Yi ge ren zuo zai kong dang bao xiang li mian Shou ji rang da xiu xi yi ye Nan xiang qie ge qie tiao hui yi de hui mian Yan lei bu neng liu guo shi er dian
Sheng ri kuai le, Wo duai zi ji shou La zu dian le Ji mo liang le Sheng ri kuai le Lei ye rong le Wo yao xie xie ni gai de, ni nan zou de yi qie
Hai ai ni, Dai yi dian heng, Hai yao shi jian Cai neng ping heng Re lian sheng heng Huan mia zhong sheng Zu wo sheng ri kuai le...
A sudden surge of sadness just engulf me while i was listening to this song... i am speechless... i miss him... very badly...
Sigh~.. went jogging today.. and i automatically went to tpy park.. looking at the place.. and listening to low zhi qiang - mei you ni.. brought up alot of memories.. mostly sad.. i muz say i am over him le.. but then.. the memories is just overbearing.. majority of the time nowadays.. i dont think of him anymore... just occasionally when i ki siao.. then i start thinkin again.. i think this is a vicious cycle.. i guess i am fallin into the picking up period.. whereby i like a person very easily.. just like that period of time after i start to forget bout ss... i start to like alot of person.. but shall not mention names.. i guess nw i am in that stage again.. and it is not good.. because i dun like this stage.. coz i ma chiam like hua chi like that.. but of course i am not lah!...
Whatever it is.. whatever stage that i am in.. i know that i am always in total control of myself.. no matter in what situation.. some of you might say.. chey... that is nt fun if you are always in control of urself.. but why nt?.. I mean you noe that being too out of control will get you killed.. make you vunerable and easy target.. in life.. i dun like to be the easy target.. i dun like to be the prey.. i dun like to be manipulated.. SO i want to be in control.. nt to be manipulated.. nw i understand why i cant be with anybody.. coz much as i want to be a xiao nu ren.. the rebelious side of me cannot stay asleep for too long.. it would be matter of time before she will be awaken and take over... Mayb sometime in my system is aware.. that is why much as i give out signals that i do like another half.. i also give out signals that i jolly well and very much keep to myself..
Whatever it is..today wasnt a good day.. i got reminded of him.. and that is nt good... because i dun wan to be in this dreamy stage again!!....
My body is tired... i can sense it.. it is v. tired from the battle from the viral virus... i have not recover yet.. i tink is going to take a loooong time to recover.. how do i noe that my body is tired??.. coz it is no longer as hyper as before.. no strenght to do anything.. feel very tired all the time.. feel sleepy all the time too.. you all might say due to lack of sleep.. but then i have been sleep more than 8 hr everyday leh.. how can be lack of sleep??.. that is why lor.. my body muz be very tired... very very tired from the battle from the viral virus.. Haizz..
Before i starts on my blog.. i need to add this in to remind myself constantly..
Sylvia - dun cry... never cry for the sake of this type of issue again.. it is not worth even a single of ur effort.. so long as you have already done ur best.. even if ppl scold you.. it is their fault.. dun use ppl's mistake to punish urself.. hang on.. tis is not the end.. it is not even the beginning.. it is just a passing stage.. ultimately.. you will find ur beginning..
Okie.. alot happened today.. but shan tell.. not that convenient to tell.. anyway i am down with a fever two days ago.. i have not had a fever since... erm.. secondary school?.. so i was kinda excited when i noe that i had a fever.. haha sick rite??.. i noe but then.. it is been a long time mah.. that two day i really certify myself ask sick and really treat myself as a sick patient lor.. sleeping all day long.. resting all the way.. why am i bloggin this??.. I also dunno.. so tired.. just had my med.. i guess is the med taking effect causing me to blabber nonsense.. but then the first part is really meant for myself.. to allow myself to go on.. no matter what.. this second part is just to blabber nonsense.. haha.. Feel sad.. Nobody can tell, my face is smiling yet my heart hurts so much it seems as if it had been torn apart.. nobody noes.. only me.. only i noe that my heart hurts...
Today is monday............ i am not gettin monday blue.. it is too hot and sunny to be blue.. i mean imagine this.. the weather today is going to be around 32 degree...so it is goin to be a hot hot hot day.. plus that it is bright and sunny... haha so sorri.. i am not a sunny person... i prefer rainy season.. dun like sunny weather... and this is making me sleepy.... *yawnz* and i am workin today.. so this makes me even more sianz.. dunno why yesterday went to SBW.. after that on the way home i was feeling ultra sleepy.. fell into deep slumber.. i nearly miss my stop... so when i reach home.. i was thinkin that this time die.. i need to stay awake to finish my website work how to stay awake, managed to finish portion of it.. but then when i try to sleep i am nt able to sleep.. was wide awake.. strange.. today i am nt goin to stay back anymore.. goin to go home straight at 6pm.. dun care... haha..
Yesterday went back to Ang Mo Kio lib.. the place that i used to be working in... is quite happy to be back.. relax.. everybody seems to be very happy to see me back.. at that moment of time.. i derive a theory.. who says it is not good to change job??... At least you get more ppl who likes you.. of course you have to be lucky like me to be trf to a place whereby all the ladies are mummies and you have to be cute friend and nice like me.. haha then you will be liked by them... i miss them.. all of the staff of AMCL... saw a few of them yesterday and left a prank notes at my sup's table to remind them that though i had left i had not forget them.. they are always on my mind...
Obviously somebody dun wan me.. coz he still havent replied to my sms... any case... gave my mind and soul a rest on saturday.. went to esplanade and sat by the river side at the highway there with Jessica Choy Mun Ling.. the sky was very nice... cloudy with grey clouds... my type of weather.. saw there and thot of everything.. all the beautiful memories and of course that dream that i had of him.. the dream.. is more of something that i dreamt of because i tink of him too much.. Nevertheless that is still a nice dream... the dream leave me with a sweet feeling after i wake up.... but then it is mixed with a tinge of sourness...
Remember the medicine that i mentioned in my previous blog??.. Appparently apart from making me feel sleepy.. it makes me feel high as well.. it makes my heartbeats beat faster, make me feel super disorientated, cant tink properly.. so is that counted as high??.. haha well for somebody as good as me that is already considered the high lvl... haha... okie loggin off... bb....
Today... not too good... have been coughing like hell last few days.. went to see a doc two days ago.. doc say that i did not have enough rest.. so had to rest more.. gave me two type of cough medicine one for day (non drowsy) one for nite (super drowsy)... but apparently the morning one also will feel drowsy de... very disorientated now... dunno what to do... but there is piles of work waiting for me to clear.. take one step at a time ba... Today's weather.. is my fav.. gloomy cool with a hint of rain coming the way...actually it rained tis morning and i was caught in the rain.. was drenched from head to toe.. suspect that i am goin to be super sick coz after i was drenched i went to air con room immediately... a day like this is v. good to tink of a particular person... anyway send him a sms yesterday wanting him to be happy always... Suddenly this song An Shi from Coco Lee came into my brain... Ting jian xin xin tan xi Yong ji mo de u qi Gao shu bu mien de yu Shi fo fang qi r ye Zui xun feng de dong jing
Xin shi bu ting lei ji Bian chen lian jia de lei di Ni shi zhong mei liu yi Wo te bie zai hu ni Ni que xiang feng yi yang Zuo ku you pan er xing.......
Quan shi jie zhi you ni bu dong wo ai ni Wo gei de bu zhi shi hao peng you er yi Mei ke yu yan you zhi qian qian xiao rong li Nan dao ni mei fa xian wo ke wang xun xi
Wo ying kai ru he rang ni zhi dao wo ai ni Lian xin xin dou zhi dao wo xin zhong mi mi Jing ye zai ni zhuan wai xia de yi chang yu Shi wo an shi ni wo you dou mo wei qui...............
Seriously speaking i am not sure if i am sad because of him or izzit because i am sleepy... anyway just feel like putting this song down.. my colleague just pass by and ask if anybody would understand since it is in han yu ping ying.. i told her that anybody who dun understand can come and look for me.. i will sing for the person.. hahaha!! Such a depressing blog must end with a depressing phrase...
*MiSs My PrInCe* - starting to forget how he looks like and everything.. but will never forget his voice, the way he talk, the way he walk or the memories that i remember of him....
Yup.. he did that.. according to his msn nick... i really feel sad.. because of him.. i have develope a special feeling for that car... that car is sort of like his personal symbol.. you can never describe how happy i am when i see that car.. that is because i know that he is around nearby... you can never describe how happy i am when i am sittin inside that car because i know that he is driving... yet he is selling that car away... i told myself two days ago.. it is enuff le.. for this 'emotional fling' with myself to end.. it has lasted too long and on the wrong end.. for two years.. it nv has changed.. his position in my heart.. i morphed into his type... type that i tink he will like.. but i dont dare to meet him.. i cant... just cant bring myself to.. i just keep on telling myself i am not good enuff for him.. i still has to change.. still has to slim down alot more.. but another part of me noe that most pro when i finally reached that stage... he already has another Mrs by his side..
What exactly make him sell his car?.. Seems like he is experiencing some difficulties in his life??.. Dont ask how i know.. i sense, pick out some details, put them together and guess.. i hope my guess is wrong.. but i just has this feeling that something is wrong..
For him to know if he ever comes here.. you noe i am always there somewhere thinking and caring bout you... do you noe that if you have any trouble you can always approach me??.. I may not help but at least i can try to help you lighten ur mood??.. You noe i will always stay by you.. no matter what??.. You doesnt know.. you never will know... because you never bother??... Even though so.. mayb this is my life.. just when the image of you is going to vanish from my heart.. the pain is finally going to ease something along the way will appear to strenghten the image make the pain noticable again... Mayb it is a part of me which made me like you in the first place refused to give up... so she will always be out looking for hints and memories.. and magnify something once that feeling starts to die down??..
Anyway.. some updates on my life.. started my new job for three weeks le.. today i am on mc.. coz i am suffering from a 'package' illness that is inclusive of giddiness, cough, sore throat and flu.. that is how the doc term it.. it all comes in a package when i told him i feel giddy.. My neph.. LKK is in hospital.. some doc say he got pneumonia.. some say otherwise.. nt too sure yet what is wrong wif him.. but he cant be discharge yet.. coz doc say that they had to monitor that he does not have fever for 24 hr first then he can be discharged.. he was admitted into the hospital yesterday morning at ard 3am.. then i wanted to go and visit him.. and really meant to visit him.. spend time there with him.. accompany him..
Then i realise something... i am cold blooded.. i nv know how it felt like when you attend the funeral of somebody that you love deeply.. feel that heart pain feeling.. i always thot that when friends surrounding me lost their grandparents they will feel sad and the type of heartpain that i have nv felt before.. afterall i was nv close to my grandparents.. so when they pass away.. i was okie.. no heart pain.. not really griefing.. and i realise that i nv know what it meant like to really whole heartly wants to visit somebody in the hospital either.. coz i was thinking yesterday.. i am going to stay at the hospital for a longer time wif LKK.. then i thot what was i goin to do while staying there wif him.. then i thot of what i used to do when i was young and in the past when i visit a person.. then i realise that everytime when i goes to the hospital to visit somebody else in the hospital.. the impact is not that great.. cant really get connected to the patient.. i will feel sorry for them.. but then the concern lvl is never really very great...
Conclusion: I am cold blooded.. once i give up on somebody.. i can really be feelingless...
Today was a very bad day.. initially yesterday when i planned for the outin with karen.. today still seems to be a not bad day.. till the morning i wake up.. then everything starts to go wrong.. firstly i quarralled with my sis in maplesea.. and she cried.. and i tink the whole world is goin to think i am the big bully.. because this is always the case.. the chili padi would always be the big bully and the one who is wrong.. in any case i dun feel like explaining.. coz when i TRIED explaining to her inside maple why am i so pissed off.. i tink the idea din get into her mind.. all she does was keep on sayin 'Then'.. which make me even more irriated.. so i logged off.. because i also need to go out le.. and she thot that i dun wan her to come over to stay that is why i come up with some crap ting like this.. how laughable.. after all that i have done.. to bring her and her kids back into our family.. now she is sayin that i am coming up with some crap excuse to nt let her stay over.. it is sooooo funny that it seems like a joke to me.. So sian about coming back today, but still has to.. to make things worse.. my house gate was locked.. so i cannot enter.. and my leg automatically bring me to take bus 88.. to a place.. and this is like just the rite moment to think bout him again rite??.. when all sad things happened together.. sittin at the bus stop opp that place i went to.. i started to think bout all the thing that had happened.... Tears start to swell up in my eyes.. why izzit that everytime i am down.. i will start to tink bout him again.. and think bout how much better thing would be and how comforting it would be if he right beside with me.. but he is not there.. to top things off i read thru two blog of my friends'.. know that they are also having some problem with their life.. what a day..i am not on talking term with my mother because of ugly and disgustin relatives of hers.. i quarralled with my sis because she thot i am masterminding this major plan to prevent her from stay over at my house... just at this moment memories of him had to pop up.. and i noe that two of my friends are feeling down.. It seems like the world is in down mode today.. haizz...
Third day at work.. second day of forgetting to bring out my hp.. seems like life is bored here.. currently lor.. and i have been feeling rather stressed up... dunno why.. i just feel stressed... mayb it is the fact that nobody talks to me.. sometime i really missed workin upstairs.. due to the human contact... i can tok to my colleague... i felt so well protected.. but nw i am all alone down here... it felt rather sad and depressed... okie enuff.. yesterday i played maple and just lvl up to lvl 28.. i had this fairy top and fairy dress that can only be wore by magician of lvl 28 and above... initially i was really looking forward to wearing it.. coz it really look nice... but who noes... when i really get to wear it.. it is like yuck!... The dress made my character Bevia look plump... and yi dian dou bu hao kan.... it doesnt have the v. impressive look... in fact it look like a tea dress with translucent shelves on a plump girl.. Ke lian de Bevia would have to wear that for the rest of her time till she lvl again to lvl 33 then she has something else to wear... Haizz... anyway i am v. tired.. coz i have been mapling for the past two nites and have nt enuff sleep.. really very tired.. i guess due to the depression and stress that i am suffering.. i have not been eating well this two days too... will feel full.. then later will feel hungry and yesterday even worse.. after i had eaten myh dinner.. immediately i feel so very full that i feel like vomittin.. really worried leh.. dunno what is wrong with my body... it just gets this way... i feel depressed.. no strenght... my facial expression is always a frown... i have migraine... and i dun feel like eatin... haizz...
Well... yesterday we had a jedi council meeting.. haha this thing actually came up just a few days before.. coz all our parents were out of town.. so we cousins (including me, my bro, my sis, tze, LD and gangee) form up this council... actually at my maternal side.. there are seven of us.. but we were super anti this youngest cousin of ours coz of his snobbish behavior and his parent's (oh we are so high and mighty high up and you ppl are our poor slaves behavior) as well.. so we really dun like him.. so when our parents were out of town, we actually went over to my tze's house.. and we din ask him to join us.. in fact.. we din even inform him.. when me and gangee discussed this with LD on sunday.. he was saying.. for wat!.. he is not even in the Jedi Council.. so here it is.. a new grouping formed.. it is called The Jedi Council.. The Mission: To anti Winky because of his snobbish behavior The Vision: To create a great environment full of fun peace and happiness w/o Winky and Winky's parents.
