Sylvia's World...

Well... actually i have alot of things to blog about this few days.. but i tink i better start with this one in line with the yr end...

Haiz.. in case you all wonder why i sigh.. that is because i just quarralled with my dad.. anyway.. we will come to that later... You noe how it feels like.. when you and a grp of friends are playing in a playground... then as time goes by... slowly one by one... all of your friends left you to go and play with other friends at other place?.... That was what i feel when i knew that my cousin have a girlfriend.. it seems like all five of us (my two sibling, my two cousins and myself) used to play in the same playground... then slowly when each of them get attached and get married, they leave this playground... till the time when my this cousin have a girlfriend... i am left standing alone in the playground... i am seriously happy for the two of them.. because after so many years of zi bi.. they finally found their other half.... but i just cant help it but feel sad that i am the only one left... so i start to feel very miserable.. but after sometime... i realise that even though they all have their own partners nw.. they have never stopped to look back at me.. to see where is ah bee nw.. what is she doing and does she need help..
So my new year resoulution of the year.. is to stop gloating at my own situation.. and appreciate the beautiful things in life more.. life is short.. i shouldnt let sadness take over majority of my life...
PS... in case the two of you misunderstood i am really really really happy for the both of you.. just that at that point of time when i get to noe bout it.. i am just upset about my own situation.. but am still very happy for the both of you....

Year 2006 has been a very bad yr for me... yeah i noe every year is bad for me.. but this is a even worse year... yeah every yr is a even worse yr for me.. well you cant blame me because every year gets even worse than the previous year.. there is not a year whereby i can said that oh! this has been a fruitful year... but i see all this as test in life... there are many obstacle in life.. but if you will get stronger everytime you overcome one obstacle... life is tired for me at this moment.. i dun feel recharged at all.. and i really dunno how many obstacles muz i go thru.. but for the sake of living on.. i will overcome all this obstacles... afterall i am already very fortunate that majority of the peps in this world... i consider myself fortunate coz i have a loving family who loves me...

At this final stage before 2007 i am still crying in front of my computer while blogging because i just quarralled with my dad over his drinking.. he has this toopid friends who will always psycho him to drink alot.. and my dad has high blood pressure so he cant take tat much drinks.. and my mum quarralled with him the moment he stepped into the door.. in order to stop any further hurting between the two of them, i quarralled with him instead over his drinking problem.... if he wants to drink i will drink with him in the future... there is no pt in my living if anything happen to him.. so if he seriously wants to waste his life away as per what he told my mum.. i will waste my life with him...

Lastly i would wish all a very happy 2007... may all the bad thing be gone and i seriously hope that i will have a fruitful 2007......

Chirstmas yesterday wasnt good.. it was not even a bit good... first my parents quarralled... then my dad went off and ask us to celebrate christmas/my mum's birthday without him.. then i made the decision to ask my mum's youngest sister and her fav last son over for a party to make her happy.. it was fine initially.. everything was fine.. until she decide to invite my uncle who is stayin at lim family over.. and noeing that xiao pang is alone at home.. my mum invited xiao pang over as well.. that i can still tolerate... then came the ultimate... the whole freaking lim family came over... i was like bloody hell!!...
and that stupid da pang brought lkk down to buy chocolate for my mum saying that it was lkk giving the chocolate to my mum for his birthday... f off man... lkk has his parents and his auntie and uncle why in the world does he need da pang a distant relative that is not related to him in anyway by blood to bring him down to purchase chocolate for my mum?.. If lkk wants to buy a pressie for his grandma.. we will always bring him down to buy ourselves.... what is his freaking problem?.. and da pang ever scolded xiao pang before for following us downstairs.. asking him how can he following other people down... so i just quote exactly his phrase back to him... and gir leng dong said that i am being political.. what is his problem???.. xiao pang is a precious kid so he cannot anyhow follow peps down.. and lkk is not a precious kid?... he can just follow peps down like nobody's business??.. and you all are telling me he is the elder of lkk and what will he do to lkk.. let me tell you this... so what if he is a elder and relatives of lkk.. to me he is just a dirt... why should we respect him??.. just because he is our relative?.. no.. that doesnt work for me.. firstly he is not related to me by blood.. secondly he is just related by marriage... doesnt mean that when somebody became your relative he become good.. he is still the same.. and lastly what fucking thing has he done to ever gain my respect?? none.. so what is his freaking problem??... the ultimate line is I DUN TRUST HIM... he can always bring lkk down and ask him to help him pick 4D etc etc ec.. god noes what else he can do to lkk... i dun trust him... given his rotten character.. he has not creditiblity for anybody to trust him at all.. so what is the problem??.... and i had to quarral with my mum because of this too.. because apparently she noes that the whole freaking lim family is coming and did not tell us at all... i am so freakingly upset that all event had to be ruin by this family... and my mum is always taking the you jin sheng wu lai shi thing to overrule all our dislikeness for them... cant she open her eyes big big and see that they are not appreciative of what she do.. and they will only make use of her and they are a bloody selfish bunch of people that dun deserve any sympathy from us??... if we go back to our old life when we are in primary school when we are truly very poor.. they will never do anything to help us... so why should we help them when we noe that even if anything happen to us they will not help??.. this is call yang hu wei huan.. dun anybody understand??... it is like inviting rice bug into the rice tank and let them finish all the rice and this bunch of insect will go on to find other rice tank.. as least rice bug are fine because they dun talk.. this pep are worse because other than eating and leeching on us.. they talk and suan and behave as if they are beings that are way superior than us.. so why dun they just f off from our life?.. if they are so superior... then f off... dun come and step on my tail.. i will never let this thing off.. try asking da pang or xiao pang to step on my tail again.. i will chew off their head regardless of whatever...

Gir Leng Dong >> if you tink that you have out talk me yesterday you are WRONG... i stop because i give face to MMYY.. because she asked me to stop... but you are wrong if you think that you out talk me yesterday.. to a basic human what i said yesterday was rude.. to da pang.. what is said yesterday was not rude.. in fact it was already words in the nicest form to him.. so what is the problem??.. i am not afraid of offending them because i dun wanna have any connection or contact with them ever again.. they have never done anything to gain my goodwill so why should i bloodily be nice to them??.... I am just on the verge of asking them to fuck off from our lives and never every appear again... so what even if i offended Li Yi??... i dun care.... i dun have to do anything to gain their goodwill.. gaining their goodwill means that i have to take care of xiao pang for them when they die in the future and even worse we might have to take care of the two of them when they are old because i dun tink their son can make it.. so this type of goodwill is something that i dun wan.. life is already so intolerable why should i be nice to pep who will only give me trouble and dun appreciate anything done?.. if i have the time.. i would rather go to third world country and help pep there.... at least i am saving a life... so i dun give a damn...

I noe... there are somethings in life that are repeated and repeated and repeated like nobody's business... but mayb you all will allow me to repeat this again??... for repeating sake??... i dunno lah.. i am just feeling upset... and as you all can see from the title of my blog.. my heart has stop beating since then... i am sitting in my room now at evening 6+ without the lights on... the sunlight in my draw are decreasing... darkness is setting in as minutes goes by... i lurve this time.. because it is usually the most quiet moment of the day... whereby you can sit down and think... and take cover in the darkness... this few days.. i have been thinking of the past alot... if i believe that if there is a time machine that would transport a person back to the past.. i wil be the first to use it.. actually i have no more feelings left... but i miss him.. as in the him in 2004 nt the him now... i just hope that i can go back and enjoy cherish every moment even more... the sad and beautiful thing about life is that once the moment is pass.. it will never happen again.. and if it is a beautiful moment... you will keep on hoping and wishing that you can go back to the moment.. but you can never go back to that moment... basically there is a big hole in my heart thta can never be filled up again.. but i have really packed everything and keep into the small corner of my heart never to be open again... but i will noe for all my life that i love this man before.. deeply...

I used to love this man.. or rather the one that is in 2004 nt that man nw... i will always love that man in 2004 nt the man nw...

Okie this is blogged in my sister's blog and re-post in my cousin's blog so i shall blog it here as well...

A VERY BOH LIAO STORYhmm..... abit "politic" on today's blog.... but.. hmm... cannot figure out wei shen mo... so must blog it downbefore we go on... today's topic is not for
1.) tiggering any "wars" between the families
2.) hurting people involved
3.) insulting people involved
4.) deepen the dislikeness of people involved
5.) educational purpose......
once upon a time, there is a jedi academy... in this academy, there are a few jedi knights as follow:
xian cai
ku cai
watermelon
strawberry face
bai cai
sweet potatoal
thought wif xian cai (he is the OLDEST) always trying to LEAD the group wif his @#$%%^&*#@$# way out of any situations, this group of knights are quite closely knitted together... life goes on wif a little bickering here and there.. but they will always be there for each other if (SHOULD) problem arise...suddenly one day, a houseELF from HOGwards stumbled into this group of knights. After seeing the fun of being a jedi knight, the houseELF wanted to join in the group and become a knight too..but the houseELF was raised in HOGwards and had being taught of all "interesting" values of life, values that the jedi knights frowned upon.... the knights tried to teach him the jedi values of life, but the values were all rebutted and despised by him.. so the knights slowly distance themselves from him..using the 'interesting" values that he learned, he started to do all sort of funny things to get attention from the knights... he forced the youngest knight, sweet potato to mix wif him.. trying to control him using his childish and boh liao methods.. using the higher authorities to force sweet potato obey his commands...thinking that he had already gain control of sweet potato, he worked his way up and tried to clone bai cai.... without know that bai cai is actually a bitch.... will his evil plans success and took over xian cai's place eventually and lead the group?? will his head kana snap off by bai cai?? nobody knows the outcome yet~........we shall see....:D

anyway.... ku cai thinks that ...hmm.... after all, the jedi knights are a mixture of funny vegetables and weird behaving fruits... they dun belongs to the "normal" kind of ppl...so the jedis dun mind to have a strange houseELF joining their group... but is the houseELF willing to throw away his "interesting" values and accept the jedi values which he once stepped on??

to him:RESPECT YOURSELF, RESPECT OTHERSTHINK FOR YOURSELF, THINK FOR OTHERS

okie.. now for some updates about myself.. life hasnt been good.. because i was sick... because i got the virus from DIDI aka RLFL aka THE NAUGHTY BOY... sigh... basically the first two days i was a living dead and the third day i was a mute.. hope tomorrow will be a better day.. it is so bad that Wai Gong and Grandma was fussing over me the whole day... Anyway went out with them for dinner tonite.. because i got my bonus today so i decide to treat them to something nice.. it has been a long time since i went out with only the two of them.. and i found that i still like it alot... when we were together.. it is like hanging out with each other.. with laughing at Grandma to suaning Wai Gong... I am really glad to have them as my parents and if there is a next life.. i would still want them to be my parents... and because of them i will want to live my life to the fullest... and soar to great heights to do them proud.... =D

I am so tired nw.. the feeling is like dying... seriously i dunno why am i so tired... izzit because there is no more objective in my life... there is nthing for me to look forward to again that is the reason why i am so tired each day... mayb my body feels that it is better to just sleep thru every single day... and die on the day i should die... everyday seems to be a drag.. Actually the reason is very simple.. in order to prevent the previous accident of me confessing from happening again..and to have the same outcome... i have decided not to love anybody anymore... never to fall in love again... so i forbid myself frm falling in love.. i dun wanna live like a living dead person again just to have all my feelings rebutted because.. i also dunno why... i just feel that there is no pt.. as it is nw.. life is already a chore.. why go and look for more trouble?.. i would seriously prefer to keep to myself... than to get hurt again and end up with more chores...

It is two am in the morning on a thursday morning.... and i am crying in front of the computer.. dun ask me why am i crying.. but i am just crying... i guess i am just upset that i am a loser.. yes loser in everything... in all aspect of life... It is scary... very scary on how good i can control my emotions when i want to and how helpless sometime when i cannot control my emotions... when i am crying inside... when my heart is bleeding.. yet i can still show smiley face... what is wrong with me??... i am sleepy.. but i dun feel like sleeping... i am sad.. yet i dunno why am i sad.. i am very bothered.. but i dunno what am i being bothered by.. i am missing out on a huge chunk of life.. yet i dunno why am i missing this huge chunk and how can i get it back... i really really dunno what is wrong with myself... i desperately need help.. seems like i have no life at all... it seems like all along i live for other ppl.. so when all this people has their own life... i seems to be left with emptiness... i no longer have a life.... and when i am trying my best to get a life... pep start interferring with how i should lead my life... what is wrong with me.. what is wrong with my life and what is wrong with the ppl around me??... Just what is wrong?!?!?!

I dunno why.. but irritating pep just keep appearing in my life.. friend snatcher... who try to haolian that she has alot of ppl chasing after her...
alright alright.. i admit.. i am ugly.. i am fat... nobody wants me.. even the only time where i confessed that idiot dun wan me either... so i am a loser in life... a true purple loser.. but hor... if that particular person really luuuurve to snatch things from my life.. why nt.. snatch my problem??... snatch all my troubles and all the bad things in my life??... It is kinda stupid rite??.. You noe i am nice.. i try nt to be bitchy.. coz i would like to be more considerate towards other people.. BUT... why izzit that these people wanna trigger off the bitchy instinct inside me??.... And turn me into a bitch??.. nw it is too late to stop.. i try to be nice.. i try to oversee everything and not get even.. but it is too late.. you have just trigger off the bitch instinct in me... and that is just too bad...

Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined
And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's here, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you dieAnd as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Next time if i ever open my mouth to give advice to a particular somebody again, pls remind me to mental slap myself on my mouth..... coz i dun like to give advice just in the end to be rebutted back that 'ya i noe..' or 'no because blah blah blah' you see when a person try to object to point A... then you explain to her why point A is like that.. then she will change her tune and said that she agree with point A all along arh.. she never said that she disagree arh.. waste your time rite?.. you make her see the light.. then she point the finger at you and said that she all along saw the light arh.. why are you wasting her bloody time being a smart alec and try to explain something that she noe or agree to her again.. Then why you are so upset.. you try to tell her something that upset you.. she listen to you for like one minute.. then she interupt you.. and said ya i noe.. you noe hor.. my situation hor.. and then from my upsetness become her upsetness then because her topic..
The most ridiculous thing is that... i cried and grumble to another friend.. then she interupt me one min into the talking and started dragging our conversation into her problem direction and started crying too... the problem is that she has been telling us her problem for 100 over time and she has never cried.. the moment she sees me cry she has to cry... I mean it is not that i am not sympathatic over her problem.. but sometime you have to noe when to stop.. you noe your friend is in a sad mood... you noe she needs to talk and a shoulder to cry on.. and yet you fuckingly cry on ur problem when you have already been given the opportunity to do that..

So nw i have already come to a conclusion.. i am not gonna give her anymore advice and i am gonna just ignore her.. best if i can stay far far far far far far far far away from her... life is already so unbearable and it is because of these ppl that makes life even more unbearable that you start complaining... She is like the type of person that does this.. if i complain that i have no money to eat.. she will complain yaya i understand what you mean because like you i have eating problem too.. i lurve to eat sharksfin.. but then i am being offer abalone to eat... sometime hor.. i really wish that i can lurve to eat abalone leh.. then i wun have such a headache over wanting to eat sharksfin when i am eating abalone.. such a agony hor?... why do i have to have this type of friend who is only capable of seeing herself and her own problem and nobody else'. No matter how jialat other ppl's problem is ... she will forever think that she is in a even worse situation.. isnt it good that you stay contended that when you see other ppl's poor situation?... What is so good about outwinning ppl with even worse situation?.. Why do you need to go ard wayang ing about your problem.. when ppl complain it is nt because they wants to compare it is because they just wanna pour their heart out.. why izzit that you will then have to show case your even worse situation try to outwin the other ppl because your situation is even worse.. no matter what situation you will always tink that it is a even worse situation and try to outwin the person who started complaining first... then wayang ard... you thot you really starin opera huh?... if you really wanna seek for so much attn why dun you just get urself a husband and go away?.. Then the husband can give you attn for 24/7 ... Are you having some problem with yourself or are you just tryin to act pity to gain the attn the whole world so that everybody will be nice to you??.. Please dun give me this type of bullshit... you are ke lian?.. Then those kids in third world country is what?.... she better stay far far away from me... argh!!!!!......

Well.. just received a call frm my sis... she had quarralled with her husband er.. sorry correction her mother in law...

Apparently, my sis's husband had scolded her (my sis's mother in law) and complain that he has no money to spend.. and yet my sister is still asking for money... FYI.... their family operate a furniture shop... and owns two car.. whom that bloody bastard is paying for.... additionally.. he also hired a bunch of useless fools in his shops... They wine and dine in restraunt while my sis eat porriage at home... and he only give my sis a pathetic monthly household income of $1000+ per mth to pay for electricity bills, maintenance fee, the kid's expenses, the school fee and the food. And he told his mother that if he gave her a detail breakdown of how he spend his money per mth, she will cry.. ya cry because she finally realise that his son is spending so much money on things that are not needed, that he spend so much month per mth, and nt because of the amt that he has to save per mth and spend wisely because he has no money... Bloodly hell... he has nothing when he mit my sister only one bloody mercz that only he being the frog in the well thot is a big deal... My sister slog her guts out together with him and nw that their business are good.. they are living like kings and queens while my sister and her two kids live in povety...

As if it is nt enuff.. they never cherish my sister, while the bloody bitch mother in law treated the other two daughter in law like queen, my sister is like a slave!... That whole family (excluding my sis and her two kids as well as the other two daughter in law) should be damn to hell.. and live there forever...

Argh!!... Fucker i dun believe that there is no way that we couldnt get back at him.. but of course i need to set my sister firmly on the ground and start her life all over again... she has to take care of the two kid for sure...

As for that bloodly bastard.. dying is a good way for him... i curse that he has to suffer all the emotional torment that he himself caused to so many people.... He will hug his mama and burn in hell together.. BASTARD....

Life... has two side... it just depend on how you wanna view it.. in the positive way.. or in the negative way.. i just found out that one of my friend is married.. or rather ROM.. his wife... is 21 yrs old.. same age as me... and i am still dangling here... nowhere ard... i remember telling BT once before izzit that my life has to be like so... i mean.. ppl has a bf.. they has a backend job... they dun have to get scolded by cust.. it seems like they are so loved... then.. me??... i get all the shit from life.. i am still single... and i have to work in CS.. whereby i risk getting scolded every single day... and as if it is nt enuff.. i have friends who are seems like foe rather than friend... it is really quite sad... then BT reminded me this.. you noe.. ppl may have all the above mentioned.. but because you dun have.. so you are able to view ur family's love for you clearer and cherish them even more...

Somewhere.. somehow.. i would need to find a balance in all this thing.. ppl always tell me.. yi ding hui you de... it is just that ur prince charming have nt appear... well... after 21 yrs of not having been in a relationship... i give up... i give up all hope... the guys i mit in my life??... feel nthing for me... so i give up all hope.. completely all hopes ever...

But i will always remember what BT told me... it is because of all this shit in life that make me sees the love my family member have for me in a clearer way and appreciate them...

Hmm havent been blogging for a while.. so decide to post something here.. updates.. i slim down again!!... yeah!!... erm... i have calm down alot.. and well the heart pain had subsided alot alot.. i no longer feel that painful le... but then i guess i am nt ready to take away the healing in process title.... this is the last remaining bit of feeling that i still hold on to.. the last remaining feeling that link me to him.... until i have totally forgot bout him.. when which ever person mention his name.. it wun bring any special feeling to my heart.. then i can declare that i had truly forgotten bout him and i can move on with my life leaving my love for him truly sealed.. Something happened last few days that makes me decide that i am numb... but dun wish to elaborate too much.... i just wish to keep all feeling and encounter with him inside my heart... i am afraid that if i share with too many ppl.. the feeling might get diluted.. and then the last remaing few bits of feeling will also be gone...

Anyway enuff about the above mention... some other updates.. next wk i am goin for a chalet!... really looking forward to it.. it is sorta truly a chalet held by the five cousins in the circle of trust without all the aunties.. ya the aunties are goin on the first day and i am goin on the second day.. so overall i wun really bump into them.. hahaha.... i wanna enjoy myself and play... muaha.. i noe that today's topic doesnt have much depth.. but then i guess this is the aftermath of my fairy tale like crush.. when the huge amt of feeling leave your heart.. it is just leave a big big empty space there with nothing but emptiness and numbness....

Hmm refer above.. that is the topic of the day.... recently a distant to the power of infinity cousin made a remark that is so stupid.. we wonder how he got his degree frm a ESTABLISHED SINGAPORE UNIVERSITY..... Anyway.. was not able to get his full name so consider himself lucky.... we noe his name is something yan.. and ppl call him Ah Yan (prounced as the first sound in hanyu pin ying).....

His auntie.. which so happened to be my mum's cousin.. got cancer... SO being the smart alec that he is.. he went to search the internet and found out that cancer is inheritary (OMG somebody kill me.. i really dun wish to be in anyway blood related to him... a simple info like this he need to go to internet to search?... Is he dumb or what?).... so he state that.. the reason why this cousin auntie of ours got cancer is because my Ah Ma (maternal side) got cancer!... Lets get the family tree correct before we continue... my Ah Gong (maternal side) and the father of this cousin auntie are siblings.. they are BLOOD RELATED... but my Ah Ma is somebody who my Ah Gong got married to.. in another word... they are only related by MARRIAGE.. nt BLOOD....

And this Ah Yan without figuring out anything.. went ahead to make the remark of the year... which of course causes alot of outcry and blood boil from my cousins, my siblings and me... You noe.. a person is dead... you should at least give them some respect.. somemore is a elder... what the f**k is he tryin to do when he point the finger at my late Ah Ma??.. There is no due respect paid to the dead... nt to mention to the elders as well as to US... because he insulted our heritage roots... Pls... if you cannot afford to do too much tinking.. then dun do the tinking.. nobody said that uni student need to make smart comment or even any comments at all.... so if there is anything that you are nt sure of.. pls ck.. do research before sayin the statement.. and we are not sure should we luff at ur low mentality or should we be angry that you insulted our roots...

I noe that we cannot do anything to him... so we decide to blog it down... at here.... at Tze and at LKK and LFL blog... Since he lurve to search the internet.. we will give him a little something to read about.. of course this time the topic is him and nt my Ah Ma...

FYI Ah Yan if ya reading... you are spared because of due respect given to your grandparents... because ur late Ah Gong is nice and your Ah Ma is nice too... so we decide that it is not worth it to upset the elderly for ur puny life... See we are gentlemanly enough to pay our respect to our elder even though our blood are boiling COZ YOU INSULTED OUR ROOTS... so pls.. if you cannot pay due respect... just stupid up... if you are nt able to shut up.. pls refer the forumla provided in LKK and LFL blog which teaches you how to shut up.....

Lastly.... here is the insult of the year.. 'You are even more stupid than Ah Yan'
*Sinister Laughter*

P.S. nw you noe.. 'hell halt no fury for women whom grandparents are insulted' ... pls also do us a favor as well.. in case that you are really reading this blog Ah Yan >>> pls inform whoever relatives who want to insult us in the future to tink twice before action... coz we are no longer the previous generation who are as soft as cotton wool and will only cry when bullied... definately we will strike back.. and make sure that the person gets it twice as hard.. COZ WE ARE NOT STUPID..... YOU DUMBASS....

Hmm this is a nice song... http://youtube.com/watch?v=S8yYT8dkfVM
it is a light hearted song which is v. sweet... but the strange thing is... i am crying while listening to this song.... my heart is just so painful...

But.. nevertheless..is a nice song.. go ahead and listen to it...

As the title read.. i am in the processing of healing... mending back my broken heart piece of piece.. so far as it seems... it is quite difficult to mend the pieces back together... it just refuse to stick back together... and is quite painful...

i really dont know why can the pain be so intense.. for somebody who i am nt really very close to....

I spend two yr getting outta this crying nonsense.. nw i am back in it again... crying as and when i hear a sad song.... and the heart is constantly in pain.. but i am able to describle the feeling exactly.. it is heart broken... that is the term... my heart is broken... and i really dont know what to do to stick it back...

Actually i am supposed to blog about something else.. but i am really in no mood to blog about that nw... so i will blog bout my bal pt nw first...

Well.. i saw him today... initially i opt to curl my hair... but i noe that he like ppl with straight hair.. so i opt to straighten my hair with the end curl a big inwards huggin my face instead... when i saw him.. my first reaction was he is here... and i saw a girl following behind him.. so i knew immediately that, the girl behind is his gf... When i got to sit down.. he said hi in a bright tone to my friend.. and then a lukewarm hello to me.. i thot that he din recognise me.. then after a while things warm up a bit.. then i understand something.. how can you get into somebody's world when the door is tightly shut against you??... it is nt ur fault.. nor were you nt tryin hard enuff.. just that.. the door remain shut against you.. so no matter how hard you try.. you can even try banging ur body against the door.. in the end you will end up with a injured body.. and a injured heart..

SO... fast forwarding the evening.. he is getting married... they even got the house already.. i was sadden for a moment.. the moment that i had hope wun happen had happened... actually the moment that i cfm that he has a girlfriend.. the painful feeling return... the one whereby it felt as if ppl are tearing ur heart apart.. then after a while it vanishes... until i got the news that they will be getting married lah.. i felt numb.. numb as in nt feelingless.. but is pain and confused and panic and everything add in together to get the feeing numb.. but somehow somewhere i felt a sense of relieve.. i noe that i really cannot pin for him anymore... so i no longer felt obligated to love him.. so i am sort of free.. but.. the pain remain.. afterall i am not cold blooded.. pls give me a few days.. for me to mourn over this.. and take a emotional break.. tonight had been a emotional roller coaster for me.. and i wanna take a break.. i am close shop for a few days.. shall not entertain anybody.. just wanna rest.. and find my bal pt.. so that i can carry on with life.. and no longer feel the pain.. down down down.. Sylvia's server is seriously down.. and will need a few days to resume operating....

What did i do wrong??... Question my own question on and on.... What did i really do wrong??..... i feel like i am a tight piece of string... ready to snap anytime... The topic that made me wonder this.. is sensitive... but i am really very angry and tired...

Lets just said it in this way.. a sorry is a sorry... it should be said in the form of a sorry.. nt make some other silly comments or jokes to overcover the mistakes and then save the sorry... Rules that had originally been made had been broken... and ppl who made those rules are trying to ignore it.. to their own convenience... after all.. breaking the rules in this case.. wun do any damage to them... i am the one who suffered the consequences of breaking this rules.. and i am the only idiot who had following this rules throught out....

Ppl may said that i am a bitch that is picky.. but then i am nt!!... i am just enforcing those rules that had been enforced on me originally.. so what the fuck is the problem??....

Ppl only care about their own comfort zone.. it doesnt matter that other places is a war zone.. afterall it is nt their confort zone.. they just need to ensure that everything is fine in their confort zone.. the other places.. is other ppl's business...

I really cannot take it anymore.. i am so fuckingly angry.... i really dunno why i have to suffer the consequences of ppl's mistake.. and i even more hate it when the bastard who deserve this are goin scott free... that bastard should go to hell.. before he goes there.. he should suffer what we are suffering nw....

As the title suggest.. i have 1001 things to blog.. but i forgotten all bout them.. what is the thing about.. what is my thot.. i found out that nowadays i have short term memories.. perhaps it is my brain trying hard nt to tink bout things... nt to remember too much... but i had a v. funny thot in my mind yesterday...

My Ah Gong... nt the maternal one.. is the paternal one..
Well.. i am close to neither of my ah gong.. and i always wonder hw can a grandchild be close to their grandparents.. i had never had the chance to be close to them.. or rather mayb it is the timing problem that deny me the chances of bonding with them... When i sees didi with my mum.. i am always v. touched, by the closeness that the two of the share.... the grandma-child relationship.. they are so close to each other that they have alot of mo qi.. when didi said something.. my mum noes what he wants.. and when my mum said something.. didi understand her.. that is the type of relationship that i nv had a chance to build with my grandparents... Anyway.. back to topic.. yesteday.. i was at recept.. when this elderly man came.. i felt so ashame of myself because he came in an greeted me good afternoon in a very nicely with a semi bow. I felt so bad for lettin a elderly do that.. whats more.. at the end of the day when he is about to leave.. he came up to me and said 'Thank you miss'... my immediate reaction was 'wow......this elderly man is so nice'.. and i thot that he resemble my grandfather.. then i thot i used to have a grandpa like that too... i mean their behavior is sort of the same.. very quiet... very calm and gentle feeling.. at least that is the feeling that i got from my grandfather... and i start to miss him.. i always wonder why dun i get a chance to bond with him?... Nw that he is gone.. all that is leave is the blood bond that he is my grandpa... and nothing else... why izzit tht this person who is supposely one of my closest relative seem so distance from me?.. It seems that we are just aquitances.. anyway.. i realise that from this uncle that humble is the best.. it make ppl's day and it get things done as well... so i should try to be more humble in the future...

Today i learn another lesson.. i took a cab from home to work.. no choice last nite was disco nite.. the taxi driver was rather friendly and i found myself talking to him.. apparently this taxi driver is a uni graduate.. and he is driving a cab because his previous company had fold... and he has been jobless for five mth.. Then i realise that actually i should be rather content with my current situation.. even though it is not a bed of rose.. and it is not as good as some others.. as least it is nt that bad.. i still has a job... and even though i am just a dip holder.. but least i hold a regular job that gives me a decent pay.. nt bad lah my pay.. i am quite contented with it as it is currently...

So two lesson in two days.. always be humble and be contented with your life because it is way better than others... and something that i had though about.. the pasture is not always greener on the otherside!!

i am so bloody angry nw...

you noe the type of feeling whereby you are so tired that you just wanna give up??.. That is what i am feeling nw.. i noe that a normal life is a blessed life.. i noe there are thousands or million of ppl out there who are way way worse than me... but you noe that type of feeling where you noe that there are ppl who are worse than you out there but you are just so tired tat you just dun feel like doing anything at all??.. That is the feeling that i am getting nw... When you tried your best to do something and in the end it doesnt turn out to be the way you want it to.. it is disappointing.. i wonder if my easy going attitude have anything to do with this.. mayb because i know how it feels like to be disappointed when you tried ur best to do something.. so i would rather nt try my best... and if the outcome is good.. as least i can tell myself that hey you see?.. you are lucky!.. if i din make it.. i will reprimand myself saying that.. hey! you see you din try yourbest... this is all better than.. you tried ur best and cannot make it and have to tink and tink and tink bout what went wrong and etc and izzit that when you tried ur best this type of things still happen in life...

I noe this type of attitude is nt good... to tink in my head over and over and over again.. that i dun wan to get up again.. i just wanna lie here and die.. i dun wan to get up and start over again... but to tink bout it.. in life how can you gauge what is good or what is bad?... if i were to stop here... and dun get up.. does it commit a crime?.. It doesnt.. so why cant i??... I have to tell myself again and again to be strong to be strong... but hw can i be strong?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!