Sylvia's World...

I dunno why.. but irritating pep just keep appearing in my life.. friend snatcher... who try to haolian that she has alot of ppl chasing after her...
alright alright.. i admit.. i am ugly.. i am fat... nobody wants me.. even the only time where i confessed that idiot dun wan me either... so i am a loser in life... a true purple loser.. but hor... if that particular person really luuuurve to snatch things from my life.. why nt.. snatch my problem??... snatch all my troubles and all the bad things in my life??... It is kinda stupid rite??.. You noe i am nice.. i try nt to be bitchy.. coz i would like to be more considerate towards other people.. BUT... why izzit that these people wanna trigger off the bitchy instinct inside me??.... And turn me into a bitch??.. nw it is too late to stop.. i try to be nice.. i try to oversee everything and not get even.. but it is too late.. you have just trigger off the bitch instinct in me... and that is just too bad...

Who would have thought
That you could hurt me
The way you've done it?
So deliberate, so determined
And since you have been gone
I bite my nails for days and hours
And question my own questions on and on

So tell me now, tell me now
Why you're so far away
When I'm still so close

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

I tried so hard to be attentive
To all you wanted
Always supportive, always patient
What did I do wrong?
I'm wondering for days and hours
It's here, it isn't here where you belong

Anyhow, anyhow
I wish you both all the best
I hope you get along

But you don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you die
And as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
You said you would love me until you dieAnd as far as I know you're still alive, baby
You don't even know the meaning of the words "I'm sorry"
I'm starting to believe it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Open heart
Open heart
It should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart

Next time if i ever open my mouth to give advice to a particular somebody again, pls remind me to mental slap myself on my mouth..... coz i dun like to give advice just in the end to be rebutted back that 'ya i noe..' or 'no because blah blah blah' you see when a person try to object to point A... then you explain to her why point A is like that.. then she will change her tune and said that she agree with point A all along arh.. she never said that she disagree arh.. waste your time rite?.. you make her see the light.. then she point the finger at you and said that she all along saw the light arh.. why are you wasting her bloody time being a smart alec and try to explain something that she noe or agree to her again.. Then why you are so upset.. you try to tell her something that upset you.. she listen to you for like one minute.. then she interupt you.. and said ya i noe.. you noe hor.. my situation hor.. and then from my upsetness become her upsetness then because her topic..
The most ridiculous thing is that... i cried and grumble to another friend.. then she interupt me one min into the talking and started dragging our conversation into her problem direction and started crying too... the problem is that she has been telling us her problem for 100 over time and she has never cried.. the moment she sees me cry she has to cry... I mean it is not that i am not sympathatic over her problem.. but sometime you have to noe when to stop.. you noe your friend is in a sad mood... you noe she needs to talk and a shoulder to cry on.. and yet you fuckingly cry on ur problem when you have already been given the opportunity to do that..

So nw i have already come to a conclusion.. i am not gonna give her anymore advice and i am gonna just ignore her.. best if i can stay far far far far far far far far away from her... life is already so unbearable and it is because of these ppl that makes life even more unbearable that you start complaining... She is like the type of person that does this.. if i complain that i have no money to eat.. she will complain yaya i understand what you mean because like you i have eating problem too.. i lurve to eat sharksfin.. but then i am being offer abalone to eat... sometime hor.. i really wish that i can lurve to eat abalone leh.. then i wun have such a headache over wanting to eat sharksfin when i am eating abalone.. such a agony hor?... why do i have to have this type of friend who is only capable of seeing herself and her own problem and nobody else'. No matter how jialat other ppl's problem is ... she will forever think that she is in a even worse situation.. isnt it good that you stay contended that when you see other ppl's poor situation?... What is so good about outwinning ppl with even worse situation?.. Why do you need to go ard wayang ing about your problem.. when ppl complain it is nt because they wants to compare it is because they just wanna pour their heart out.. why izzit that you will then have to show case your even worse situation try to outwin the other ppl because your situation is even worse.. no matter what situation you will always tink that it is a even worse situation and try to outwin the person who started complaining first... then wayang ard... you thot you really starin opera huh?... if you really wanna seek for so much attn why dun you just get urself a husband and go away?.. Then the husband can give you attn for 24/7 ... Are you having some problem with yourself or are you just tryin to act pity to gain the attn the whole world so that everybody will be nice to you??.. Please dun give me this type of bullshit... you are ke lian?.. Then those kids in third world country is what?.... she better stay far far away from me... argh!!!!!......

Well.. just received a call frm my sis... she had quarralled with her husband er.. sorry correction her mother in law...

Apparently, my sis's husband had scolded her (my sis's mother in law) and complain that he has no money to spend.. and yet my sister is still asking for money... FYI.... their family operate a furniture shop... and owns two car.. whom that bloody bastard is paying for.... additionally.. he also hired a bunch of useless fools in his shops... They wine and dine in restraunt while my sis eat porriage at home... and he only give my sis a pathetic monthly household income of $1000+ per mth to pay for electricity bills, maintenance fee, the kid's expenses, the school fee and the food. And he told his mother that if he gave her a detail breakdown of how he spend his money per mth, she will cry.. ya cry because she finally realise that his son is spending so much money on things that are not needed, that he spend so much month per mth, and nt because of the amt that he has to save per mth and spend wisely because he has no money... Bloodly hell... he has nothing when he mit my sister only one bloody mercz that only he being the frog in the well thot is a big deal... My sister slog her guts out together with him and nw that their business are good.. they are living like kings and queens while my sister and her two kids live in povety...

As if it is nt enuff.. they never cherish my sister, while the bloody bitch mother in law treated the other two daughter in law like queen, my sister is like a slave!... That whole family (excluding my sis and her two kids as well as the other two daughter in law) should be damn to hell.. and live there forever...

Argh!!... Fucker i dun believe that there is no way that we couldnt get back at him.. but of course i need to set my sister firmly on the ground and start her life all over again... she has to take care of the two kid for sure...

As for that bloodly bastard.. dying is a good way for him... i curse that he has to suffer all the emotional torment that he himself caused to so many people.... He will hug his mama and burn in hell together.. BASTARD....

Life... has two side... it just depend on how you wanna view it.. in the positive way.. or in the negative way.. i just found out that one of my friend is married.. or rather ROM.. his wife... is 21 yrs old.. same age as me... and i am still dangling here... nowhere ard... i remember telling BT once before izzit that my life has to be like so... i mean.. ppl has a bf.. they has a backend job... they dun have to get scolded by cust.. it seems like they are so loved... then.. me??... i get all the shit from life.. i am still single... and i have to work in CS.. whereby i risk getting scolded every single day... and as if it is nt enuff.. i have friends who are seems like foe rather than friend... it is really quite sad... then BT reminded me this.. you noe.. ppl may have all the above mentioned.. but because you dun have.. so you are able to view ur family's love for you clearer and cherish them even more...

Somewhere.. somehow.. i would need to find a balance in all this thing.. ppl always tell me.. yi ding hui you de... it is just that ur prince charming have nt appear... well... after 21 yrs of not having been in a relationship... i give up... i give up all hope... the guys i mit in my life??... feel nthing for me... so i give up all hope.. completely all hopes ever...

But i will always remember what BT told me... it is because of all this shit in life that make me sees the love my family member have for me in a clearer way and appreciate them...

Hmm havent been blogging for a while.. so decide to post something here.. updates.. i slim down again!!... yeah!!... erm... i have calm down alot.. and well the heart pain had subsided alot alot.. i no longer feel that painful le... but then i guess i am nt ready to take away the healing in process title.... this is the last remaining bit of feeling that i still hold on to.. the last remaining feeling that link me to him.... until i have totally forgot bout him.. when which ever person mention his name.. it wun bring any special feeling to my heart.. then i can declare that i had truly forgotten bout him and i can move on with my life leaving my love for him truly sealed.. Something happened last few days that makes me decide that i am numb... but dun wish to elaborate too much.... i just wish to keep all feeling and encounter with him inside my heart... i am afraid that if i share with too many ppl.. the feeling might get diluted.. and then the last remaing few bits of feeling will also be gone...

Anyway enuff about the above mention... some other updates.. next wk i am goin for a chalet!... really looking forward to it.. it is sorta truly a chalet held by the five cousins in the circle of trust without all the aunties.. ya the aunties are goin on the first day and i am goin on the second day.. so overall i wun really bump into them.. hahaha.... i wanna enjoy myself and play... muaha.. i noe that today's topic doesnt have much depth.. but then i guess this is the aftermath of my fairy tale like crush.. when the huge amt of feeling leave your heart.. it is just leave a big big empty space there with nothing but emptiness and numbness....

Hmm refer above.. that is the topic of the day.... recently a distant to the power of infinity cousin made a remark that is so stupid.. we wonder how he got his degree frm a ESTABLISHED SINGAPORE UNIVERSITY..... Anyway.. was not able to get his full name so consider himself lucky.... we noe his name is something yan.. and ppl call him Ah Yan (prounced as the first sound in hanyu pin ying).....

His auntie.. which so happened to be my mum's cousin.. got cancer... SO being the smart alec that he is.. he went to search the internet and found out that cancer is inheritary (OMG somebody kill me.. i really dun wish to be in anyway blood related to him... a simple info like this he need to go to internet to search?... Is he dumb or what?).... so he state that.. the reason why this cousin auntie of ours got cancer is because my Ah Ma (maternal side) got cancer!... Lets get the family tree correct before we continue... my Ah Gong (maternal side) and the father of this cousin auntie are siblings.. they are BLOOD RELATED... but my Ah Ma is somebody who my Ah Gong got married to.. in another word... they are only related by MARRIAGE.. nt BLOOD....

And this Ah Yan without figuring out anything.. went ahead to make the remark of the year... which of course causes alot of outcry and blood boil from my cousins, my siblings and me... You noe.. a person is dead... you should at least give them some respect.. somemore is a elder... what the f**k is he tryin to do when he point the finger at my late Ah Ma??.. There is no due respect paid to the dead... nt to mention to the elders as well as to US... because he insulted our heritage roots... Pls... if you cannot afford to do too much tinking.. then dun do the tinking.. nobody said that uni student need to make smart comment or even any comments at all.... so if there is anything that you are nt sure of.. pls ck.. do research before sayin the statement.. and we are not sure should we luff at ur low mentality or should we be angry that you insulted our roots...

I noe that we cannot do anything to him... so we decide to blog it down... at here.... at Tze and at LKK and LFL blog... Since he lurve to search the internet.. we will give him a little something to read about.. of course this time the topic is him and nt my Ah Ma...

FYI Ah Yan if ya reading... you are spared because of due respect given to your grandparents... because ur late Ah Gong is nice and your Ah Ma is nice too... so we decide that it is not worth it to upset the elderly for ur puny life... See we are gentlemanly enough to pay our respect to our elder even though our blood are boiling COZ YOU INSULTED OUR ROOTS... so pls.. if you cannot pay due respect... just stupid up... if you are nt able to shut up.. pls refer the forumla provided in LKK and LFL blog which teaches you how to shut up.....

Lastly.... here is the insult of the year.. 'You are even more stupid than Ah Yan'
*Sinister Laughter*

P.S. nw you noe.. 'hell halt no fury for women whom grandparents are insulted' ... pls also do us a favor as well.. in case that you are really reading this blog Ah Yan >>> pls inform whoever relatives who want to insult us in the future to tink twice before action... coz we are no longer the previous generation who are as soft as cotton wool and will only cry when bullied... definately we will strike back.. and make sure that the person gets it twice as hard.. COZ WE ARE NOT STUPID..... YOU DUMBASS....

Hmm this is a nice song... http://youtube.com/watch?v=S8yYT8dkfVM
it is a light hearted song which is v. sweet... but the strange thing is... i am crying while listening to this song.... my heart is just so painful...

But.. nevertheless..is a nice song.. go ahead and listen to it...

As the title read.. i am in the processing of healing... mending back my broken heart piece of piece.. so far as it seems... it is quite difficult to mend the pieces back together... it just refuse to stick back together... and is quite painful...

i really dont know why can the pain be so intense.. for somebody who i am nt really very close to....

I spend two yr getting outta this crying nonsense.. nw i am back in it again... crying as and when i hear a sad song.... and the heart is constantly in pain.. but i am able to describle the feeling exactly.. it is heart broken... that is the term... my heart is broken... and i really dont know what to do to stick it back...

Actually i am supposed to blog about something else.. but i am really in no mood to blog about that nw... so i will blog bout my bal pt nw first...

Well.. i saw him today... initially i opt to curl my hair... but i noe that he like ppl with straight hair.. so i opt to straighten my hair with the end curl a big inwards huggin my face instead... when i saw him.. my first reaction was he is here... and i saw a girl following behind him.. so i knew immediately that, the girl behind is his gf... When i got to sit down.. he said hi in a bright tone to my friend.. and then a lukewarm hello to me.. i thot that he din recognise me.. then after a while things warm up a bit.. then i understand something.. how can you get into somebody's world when the door is tightly shut against you??... it is nt ur fault.. nor were you nt tryin hard enuff.. just that.. the door remain shut against you.. so no matter how hard you try.. you can even try banging ur body against the door.. in the end you will end up with a injured body.. and a injured heart..

SO... fast forwarding the evening.. he is getting married... they even got the house already.. i was sadden for a moment.. the moment that i had hope wun happen had happened... actually the moment that i cfm that he has a girlfriend.. the painful feeling return... the one whereby it felt as if ppl are tearing ur heart apart.. then after a while it vanishes... until i got the news that they will be getting married lah.. i felt numb.. numb as in nt feelingless.. but is pain and confused and panic and everything add in together to get the feeing numb.. but somehow somewhere i felt a sense of relieve.. i noe that i really cannot pin for him anymore... so i no longer felt obligated to love him.. so i am sort of free.. but.. the pain remain.. afterall i am not cold blooded.. pls give me a few days.. for me to mourn over this.. and take a emotional break.. tonight had been a emotional roller coaster for me.. and i wanna take a break.. i am close shop for a few days.. shall not entertain anybody.. just wanna rest.. and find my bal pt.. so that i can carry on with life.. and no longer feel the pain.. down down down.. Sylvia's server is seriously down.. and will need a few days to resume operating....

What did i do wrong??... Question my own question on and on.... What did i really do wrong??..... i feel like i am a tight piece of string... ready to snap anytime... The topic that made me wonder this.. is sensitive... but i am really very angry and tired...

Lets just said it in this way.. a sorry is a sorry... it should be said in the form of a sorry.. nt make some other silly comments or jokes to overcover the mistakes and then save the sorry... Rules that had originally been made had been broken... and ppl who made those rules are trying to ignore it.. to their own convenience... after all.. breaking the rules in this case.. wun do any damage to them... i am the one who suffered the consequences of breaking this rules.. and i am the only idiot who had following this rules throught out....

Ppl may said that i am a bitch that is picky.. but then i am nt!!... i am just enforcing those rules that had been enforced on me originally.. so what the fuck is the problem??....

Ppl only care about their own comfort zone.. it doesnt matter that other places is a war zone.. afterall it is nt their confort zone.. they just need to ensure that everything is fine in their confort zone.. the other places.. is other ppl's business...

I really cannot take it anymore.. i am so fuckingly angry.... i really dunno why i have to suffer the consequences of ppl's mistake.. and i even more hate it when the bastard who deserve this are goin scott free... that bastard should go to hell.. before he goes there.. he should suffer what we are suffering nw....

As the title suggest.. i have 1001 things to blog.. but i forgotten all bout them.. what is the thing about.. what is my thot.. i found out that nowadays i have short term memories.. perhaps it is my brain trying hard nt to tink bout things... nt to remember too much... but i had a v. funny thot in my mind yesterday...

My Ah Gong... nt the maternal one.. is the paternal one..
Well.. i am close to neither of my ah gong.. and i always wonder hw can a grandchild be close to their grandparents.. i had never had the chance to be close to them.. or rather mayb it is the timing problem that deny me the chances of bonding with them... When i sees didi with my mum.. i am always v. touched, by the closeness that the two of the share.... the grandma-child relationship.. they are so close to each other that they have alot of mo qi.. when didi said something.. my mum noes what he wants.. and when my mum said something.. didi understand her.. that is the type of relationship that i nv had a chance to build with my grandparents... Anyway.. back to topic.. yesteday.. i was at recept.. when this elderly man came.. i felt so ashame of myself because he came in an greeted me good afternoon in a very nicely with a semi bow. I felt so bad for lettin a elderly do that.. whats more.. at the end of the day when he is about to leave.. he came up to me and said 'Thank you miss'... my immediate reaction was 'wow......this elderly man is so nice'.. and i thot that he resemble my grandfather.. then i thot i used to have a grandpa like that too... i mean their behavior is sort of the same.. very quiet... very calm and gentle feeling.. at least that is the feeling that i got from my grandfather... and i start to miss him.. i always wonder why dun i get a chance to bond with him?... Nw that he is gone.. all that is leave is the blood bond that he is my grandpa... and nothing else... why izzit tht this person who is supposely one of my closest relative seem so distance from me?.. It seems that we are just aquitances.. anyway.. i realise that from this uncle that humble is the best.. it make ppl's day and it get things done as well... so i should try to be more humble in the future...

Today i learn another lesson.. i took a cab from home to work.. no choice last nite was disco nite.. the taxi driver was rather friendly and i found myself talking to him.. apparently this taxi driver is a uni graduate.. and he is driving a cab because his previous company had fold... and he has been jobless for five mth.. Then i realise that actually i should be rather content with my current situation.. even though it is not a bed of rose.. and it is not as good as some others.. as least it is nt that bad.. i still has a job... and even though i am just a dip holder.. but least i hold a regular job that gives me a decent pay.. nt bad lah my pay.. i am quite contented with it as it is currently...

So two lesson in two days.. always be humble and be contented with your life because it is way better than others... and something that i had though about.. the pasture is not always greener on the otherside!!

i am so bloody angry nw...

you noe the type of feeling whereby you are so tired that you just wanna give up??.. That is what i am feeling nw.. i noe that a normal life is a blessed life.. i noe there are thousands or million of ppl out there who are way way worse than me... but you noe that type of feeling where you noe that there are ppl who are worse than you out there but you are just so tired tat you just dun feel like doing anything at all??.. That is the feeling that i am getting nw... When you tried your best to do something and in the end it doesnt turn out to be the way you want it to.. it is disappointing.. i wonder if my easy going attitude have anything to do with this.. mayb because i know how it feels like to be disappointed when you tried ur best to do something.. so i would rather nt try my best... and if the outcome is good.. as least i can tell myself that hey you see?.. you are lucky!.. if i din make it.. i will reprimand myself saying that.. hey! you see you din try yourbest... this is all better than.. you tried ur best and cannot make it and have to tink and tink and tink bout what went wrong and etc and izzit that when you tried ur best this type of things still happen in life...

I noe this type of attitude is nt good... to tink in my head over and over and over again.. that i dun wan to get up again.. i just wanna lie here and die.. i dun wan to get up and start over again... but to tink bout it.. in life how can you gauge what is good or what is bad?... if i were to stop here... and dun get up.. does it commit a crime?.. It doesnt.. so why cant i??... I have to tell myself again and again to be strong to be strong... but hw can i be strong?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Well.. blogged something.. saved as draft.. i wanted to display that.. just that i need to do some editing to that entry.. but i found that there is nothing that i can take away.. coz every single sentence is really from the bottom of my heart...

The feeling nw is lonely... very lonely and it is a deafening lonely.. like i told beeting.. it is like.. you are playing with a grp of friends in a play ground.. then one by one.. they leave you for other places.. and you are the only one left there.. yet you cant join them.. it is that type of feeling..

I tink i reflect what Bai He said in The Rose.. I am just a ugly duckling who had accidentally stumbled into the swam's herd..

I guess the duckling can only stay on earth while she sees all her fellow companionship flies away.. i am not sayin this with a hint of jealousy.. not even a single hint.. just my part of sadness noeing how much less companionship i am goin to get in the future...

Let me side track a bit first... I am listening to Super Woman from Cao Ge nw.. erm.. haha the thot just side track to whose super woman do i belong to.. but then.. mayb i am my own super woman.. and my own only.. sad~ ... but mayb it is better this way...

Anyway get back to today's topic.. my dad was discussing with me about alighting and boarding bus prob when we were on our way back home from dinner.. He was telling me that the other time when he and my mum was boarding a bus.. they were first in the q.. and behind them were a bunch of students who were seated.. when the bus was here.. immediately all the students started rushing forwarded and my mum managed to get thru, but my dad was 6th to 7th in the q.. until he voiced out to respect elderly then those students let him get thru the bus.. this is soo funny.. i mean i am not saying this because this happened to my dad.. i will voice out the same for any elderly that was being treated this way.. let us recap.. why does ppl have to rush up a bus.. there are only two reason... first because it is rush hr and if you dun rush you will nv make it.. second you want a seat.. for those who rush up the bus for the second reason, dont you think it is shameful?.. I mean youngsters who are healthy should always give up their seats to elderly who needs them more than those youngsters do.. so why in the world is there a need to rush up the bus then?... I have seen many cases of elderly in the MRT standing.. really old ppl.. and those youngsters, will just cuddle with their other half and pretend nt to see... some will indulge in their music as if they are deaf or the others will chose to sleep.. all in all they will all pretend nt to see anything.. and i felt very surprise by this.. i mean why dun they feel every a bit of feeling towards this grp of elderly ppl who needs seats more than they do.. nt because they are plain lazy, but it is very dangerous for elderly ppl to fall down and they are not as agile as youngsters so standing firm in a MRT might be a difficult task for them.. yet this youngster just refused to see them and pretend that nothing had happened.. What are this ppl doin??.. I really dont understand.. and sometime i really feel v. angry toward this ppl who refused to give up their seats..seriously i dun understand.... what are young ppl nowadays thinking??.. Are their health really that bad that they will injured themselves by giving up their seats to elderly ppl?...

Well.. you noe the feelin when you desperately wants something and couldnt get it, then when you doesnt want that thing anymore, you keep on getting it?.. That is the feeling that i am having nw.. you noe in the past when i was in secondary school.. i always hope tat i could get a fever and hope and hope and hope.. and seriously.. for the four yrs that i was in sec school.. i was only seriously really sick for one time!!!..... Then nw that i have started workin.. i desperately hope that i wun get sick.. and guess what.. within 3 mth of my work... i was sick for four time!... and everytime is high fever de lor...

I really dunno what is wrong with my body nwadays man... the fever just come and go like nobody's business.. completely no way to trackle now the fever comes by... i used to be so healthy that i can just eat anything i want.. go under the rain and sun also no prob.. nw my body really very bad lor..!!!.... I cant let this goes on.. I tink i muz live healthily nw... more fruits.. no more chocolate.. and more exercise.. and no more late nights....
sigh~

Wo zhi dao shang xin bu neng gai bian she mer
Na mer, rang wo cheng shi yi dian
Cheng shi na mian you bu neng kong zhi de xian xian
Zhi yao kuan sheng le men, bu bi li shui

Yi ge ren zuo zai kong dang bao xiang li mian
Shou ji rang da xiu xi yi ye
Nan xiang qie ge qie tiao hui yi de hui mian
Yan lei bu neng liu guo shi er dian

Sheng ri kuai le,
Wo duai zi ji shou
La zu dian le
Ji mo liang le
Sheng ri kuai le
Lei ye rong le
Wo yao xie xie ni gai de, ni nan zou de yi qie

Hai ai ni,
Dai yi dian heng,
Hai yao shi jian
Cai neng ping heng
Re lian sheng heng
Huan mia zhong sheng
Zu wo sheng ri kuai le...

A sudden surge of sadness just engulf me while i was listening to this song... i am speechless... i miss him... very badly...

Sigh~.. went jogging today.. and i automatically went to tpy park.. looking at the place.. and listening to low zhi qiang - mei you ni.. brought up alot of memories.. mostly sad.. i muz say i am over him le.. but then.. the memories is just overbearing.. majority of the time nowadays.. i dont think of him anymore... just occasionally when i ki siao.. then i start thinkin again.. i think this is a vicious cycle.. i guess i am fallin into the picking up period.. whereby i like a person very easily.. just like that period of time after i start to forget bout ss... i start to like alot of person.. but shall not mention names.. i guess nw i am in that stage again.. and it is not good.. because i dun like this stage.. coz i ma chiam like hua chi like that.. but of course i am not lah!...

Whatever it is.. whatever stage that i am in.. i know that i am always in total control of myself.. no matter in what situation.. some of you might say.. chey... that is nt fun if you are always in control of urself.. but why nt?.. I mean you noe that being too out of control will get you killed.. make you vunerable and easy target.. in life.. i dun like to be the easy target.. i dun like to be the prey.. i dun like to be manipulated.. SO i want to be in control.. nt to be manipulated.. nw i understand why i cant be with anybody.. coz much as i want to be a xiao nu ren.. the rebelious side of me cannot stay asleep for too long.. it would be matter of time before she will be awaken and take over... Mayb sometime in my system is aware.. that is why much as i give out signals that i do like another half.. i also give out signals that i jolly well and very much keep to myself..

Whatever it is..today wasnt a good day.. i got reminded of him.. and that is nt good... because i dun wan to be in this dreamy stage again!!....

My body is tired... i can sense it.. it is v. tired from the battle from the viral virus... i have not recover yet.. i tink is going to take a loooong time to recover.. how do i noe that my body is tired??.. coz it is no longer as hyper as before.. no strenght to do anything.. feel very tired all the time.. feel sleepy all the time too.. you all might say due to lack of sleep.. but then i have been sleep more than 8 hr everyday leh.. how can be lack of sleep??.. that is why lor.. my body muz be very tired... very very tired from the battle from the viral virus..
Haizz..