Sylvia's World...

As we get more into the married life...

The vision of a future with Scarlett decreases... From thinking up names for Scarlett and being very certain that we will have Scarlett.. till maybe... if have is good lah.. to.. it is okay if we dont have lah.. to.. i think actually it is a better thing if we dont have Scarlett... to... I am pretty certain that we are not gonna have Scarlett....

Maybe it is the pressure.. maybe it is gotta do with everybody having a kid.. or maybe it is gotta do with the fact that it is so close to me (Just got to learn that one of my ex colleague, who got married around the same period as i did is pregnant)... which creates this very strange feeling in me... I am really amazed and fascinated at the same time.. and i feel really happy for her... it is an amazing feeling that a little life is growing in you... you change from the stage of being a girl.. to being a mother.. from cant take care of yourself, needing your mum to take care of you.. to being able to not just take care of yourself, but another beings...

A mother's body is an amazing thing.. it has the ability to nurture a life in her... but.. i think.. i dont have that amazing body.. i admit that it is my selfishness that prevents me from thinking of a future with Scarlett in it.. i am unwilling to give up my freedom.. unwilling to go thru the usual cycle of being a mom and etc... i dont wish to experience all this at all...

At least.. at the current moment of time... everything that i have done so far, i did it with my brain.. with time in consideration.. but this time.. i am gonna let my heart do the decision.. i feel that i dont want to be a mummy at this point of time (well, i have two kids already anyway) and i so i am not gonna be one.. maybe... who knows in the future down the road.. i might visualise a future with Scarlett in it again...

In the meantime, she will exist in my blog... as an entry.. just in case i really decides not to give birth at all.. at least we remember that our kid would have been called Scarlett Hair...

Supposing u get secretly very excited when u see the job...
Supposing u know that u will get so excited doing this job...
Supposing this industry is actually very bitchy...
Supposing this job has no fixed hours.... Supposing u will meet very bitchy people in this job...
Supposing u might get heart attack everytime if u do this job...
Supposing despite the fact that u know all this, u are still very passionate about this job n ur hands will twitch uncontrollably when u see this job n u just wanna be part of it...
Supposing if u go on this road, it will be ur biggest gamble in life but u will look back with no regrets that u have tried it..

Will u still take on this job???

I am setting you free... because i think you deserve somebody normal....

For me... i live in a negative and blue world... i chose to shut myself in this world.. where everything is sad and unhappy... you said that everybody appears in a person's life for a reason.. maybe yours is just to let me know.. what it is like to be loved and be pampered by somebody..

I see the struggle.. the differences in thots... and most importantly.. your losing of patience... and iti s not lost because of things that i do.. it is lost.. because of something that both of us have no control over...

I am deeply frustrated... maybe you cant feel it... and you think.. i dont care.. but i do.. and everytime i just get very frustrated by it..

You really derseve a normal life... find another person who loves you and is willing to give up everything for you... find a normal girl.. a girl who gets happy easily... who will laugh with you.. and enjoy life's little things with you..

Sorry, i dont have the ability to enjoy anything happy... i only deserve to be alone...

Spent the whole weekend at Yishun with TFB and Cotton and I had to admit, I really enjoyed it.

Staying at home, cooking for TFB, packing the place, trying to get it into a home, playing with Cotton and overall just making the whole place a better place to stay in… But, there is this very unrest feeling that I experienced… That is.. my kids and soft toys are not in this perfect weekend…

While I felt very settled down and happy that we get to spend a weekend doing all these stuff and not driving around, rushing around like mad people, I felt very torn that my kids and soft toys are not there with me.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t find them a chore, in fact, they are still a priority in my life… Without them, Sylvia will not be complete.. but I can’t move them in with me now… which is the worse part of this whole thing….

I would like to move to a place, where there is just TFB, the kids, soft toys and Cotton and I can stay there forever… but.. this place is not going to come so soon.

I feel so torn.. between the two places…. Sigh…

When is my flat gonna be completed?.......... When??????

P.S. But.. despite all this, i am still grateful for having a great life with a great husband and a krever dog...

He is the new love in my life.... Thou he is now a bit yellowish n smelly....

It's been so long since I last posted an entry here.. Well here I'm trying out posting an entry via my iPhone n apparently it is really working!!! I think I'm really starting to explore how to use the phone fully.. (=

Some updates about myself.. Had my wedding on 13 November 2010 at Hilton hotel n I'm really grateful for the wonderful wedding.. Luckily there were no major problems n everything just ram by itself.. Shall blog bout the wedding another day..

Life seems to have taken a downwards spiral recently n everything just seems so hopeless when I found a speck of crystal in my office.. It is a really small speck n it falls off my nails that I did for my wedding day....

The crystal reminds me that it had seen the best of it's moment together with me n reminded me of my happy wedding day.. It is like a sign from whoever upstairs telling me not to give up on life as life has ups n downs.. Nothing last forever n the bad spell will not last forever too.. So long as I continue on with life.. I will see better moments...

Hello... are you there?

It's been a long time since i updated this blog (okie minus the unpleasant entry that i wrote last week)...... and i would really like to resume blogging if possible...

After all, this is my way of reflection and for me to look back at my life so far... which has been blank here for like ten thousand years...

I would also like to find some ways to change this blog skin... yes i love the skin, yes i really really love the butterfly and if possible i would like to tattoo that butterfly... but the.. this skin has been with me since the beginning.. and it definately carries some unpleasant memories with it that i would like to forget if possible... you! (pointing to TFB) i know that you will read, but i will not tell you what are the unpleasant memories, because it is not even worth my time to mention it...

So many things has happened over the years and if you realised that there has been very little updates on this place after *cough*i *cough* got *cough* together *cough* with *cough* somebody *cough*

Some happening updates about us! I am going on part time working arrangement soon ~~ when i say part time, i meant working ONLY 11 hours per week.. so it is like working one day, then slacking for the rest of the four days.. HA! you wish. I am gonna go back to study full time as i really cannot take the pain of doing part time studies as i will never be able to finish it if i continue to do my studies in such snail pace... zzz

It is something that i really appreciate, because i have the chance to go back to being a full time student, slacking and control my own time.. =D

I feel that i am really fortunate, because when i was a student, i never knew that being student is such a fortunate thing because i am a poor student... now that i am working, i want so badly to go back to being a student as i can control my own time and be available during odd timing like afternoon... and now i could really go back to being a student, i would really use the time better to appreciate life!

It feels like, i am taking a step back, to spring myself even further in the future... (=

Of course, with studies as full time, i hope to be able to blog more, post more photographs of interesting stuff that i encounter and focus more on baking and bake super powerful and edible stuff.. hahaha...

Next! we FINALLY got a q number that is within the number of flats offered... phew!

It is not exactly a good q number because it is 177 out of 252.. but then... we cant be too picky liao right? Since we have gotten a q number? Not that i am not disgrunted, or i feel that what i got such a good deal.. but it is more of what to do.. there are thousand of people who GOT THEIR Q CANCELLED and i got one q that can chose a flat then should not make noise right, not even glad that i got a q, but shouldnt make noise... because there are alot of UNFORTUNATE people out there who couldnt get a q...

Anyway.. enough of the bitching.. i am really looking forward to the selection in Nov/Dec period... hopefully we could get a good flat....

I really dunno...

Why do i look at other bride.. and think that they looked so blissful.. yet i feel nowhere near?

What has happened? I just wanted to help.... i am really very tired..... Can i just take a knife, slit and end it all?...

I really wanna do that.. i dun wan to quarral anymore... i dun wanna ask anything anymore... i dont wanna care anymore.... i dun wan to do anything anymore...

Currently... I feel like the dejected green mushroom....

I really dont know what do I want to do with life... sigh...

Leave the place or stay.. everyday.. i am getting more and more dejected and demoralised.... but what can i do after leaving that place then?.... nobody is willing to take me because I have no other experiences to speak of...

I guess this has to be the lousiest decision that I have ever made in my life to come here and waste my life away like that... yes.. i gained monetary gains... but i lost my time to build experiences and now... im just an empty shell...

Where can i go frm here? i dont want to be trapped in this place anymore and be treated like the second class citizen where i get no career advancement.... but if i leave this place.. what can i do?.... sigh...

It's been a loooong time since i update this space.... well.. due to the fact that I have been caught up in alot of stuff, I have not been able to update there at all.. plus the fact that i am lazy and I am greedy so I have like four blogs to maintain. hahahaha..

Got married... and somethings that happened recently made me wonder if this is why people split up so fast after they get married.... Moral of the story... really dont rush into marriage... if you guys still have unsolved issues, resolve it first before getting married.. at least if the both of you really doesnt see eye to eye... you still have a option to go seperate way not involve any legal issues or the fact that you have announced the whole world that you are married blah blah blah.. and remain your status of single and not divorced...

Amazing how fast that a logical person like me... who look forward to wedding, marriage is thinking of divorce even before our customary and etc..

It is sad isnt it... i know that he is not a bad person.. i know that he loves me.. but what if the only thing that your husband can tell you when the both of you quarral is.. why are you harping on the past? but if you dont bring up the past, how can he know what exactly trigger off the quarral?... Dont let small thing eats you.. but what if it is a accumulative of small action? Let go of the past.. but what if this things is going to snowball to something bigger??... but this things has already past and cannot be undone so there is nothing we can do.. but you can make a effort to make sure that it doesnt happen in the future right?.. well.. this is the way it is you know? if you cannot take it anymore.. then no point sticking to the idiot.. but you have never try to make a big effort to make changes to make it worthwhile to stick to you...

End of the day... how could i ever be with you if all you are saying is why focus on the past? you know i am such a person why are you still sticking to me? if you cannot take it anymore.. then just go our seperate way.. but i dont want to go seperate way... i want us to work things out.. but how can i work things out in tears without you understanding me all the time and always just bringing seperate out and instead of alright.. i will make an effort to change this things and not just best effort huh.. best effort.. why cant you tell me okay i know that this is a problem.. i WILL make an effort to change?..

Popiah and i used to have a very intense relationship... it is so intense that we are almost inseperable everyday with me buying it for my dinner EVERY SINGLE DAY... If you peps still remember hai zi. shu, the boy in the show is call popiah because i guess he loves to eat popiah.. so if he is call popiah for his love of popiah, then i think i should be call popiah girl because Popiah and i go a long way back....

So during those days when i buy popiah every single day for dinner, that was when i was dieting... and successfully, i lost quite some kilos... then i started to stray away... not entirely my fault.. but then i discovered that Popiah left me.. and the nearest Popiah is like ten minutes' walk from my house... so gradually.. keeping a long distance relationship wasnt easy especially with the seduction of new interesting stuff like Yong Tau Foo and Fish Soup... so gradually... i was no longer interested in Popiah and found new love in Yong Tau Foo and Fish Soup.. but whenver i spot Popiah, I will still look at Popiah with a sense of sadness because Popiah can no longer revive the interest in me anymore...

Recently, however, I have seen more and more signs of Popiah everywhere i go.. estimating that almost all the places that i frequent for lunch would have signs of Popiah nearby.. and i start to think of the possiblity of rekindling my love for Popiah... it was not until the stomach flu on tuesday when i purchased the fish soup (not fried one hor) that i began to be sick of Fish Soup... and went back looking for Popiah... For the past two days.. I have been having Popiah and i think i can still handle more!.... So i hope with my new found love for Popiah again... I can hopefully look at a healthier and skinnier life... ^_^

Dont pretend to be somebody else when you are not... you make me sick just by looking at you knowing very well that you are merely pretending..

I dont even know why such people exist... Xiao Ren YI DA DUI....!

Gosh!.. I just finished my ROM entry yesterday.. not the one on our ROM preparation progress so far but THE ONE that i will activate on the day before my ROM... yeah i am kiasu.. just that yesterday i had some inspiration so i thot it would be good for me to blog it down first....

And I just realised that my entry on my ROM and the turning from Miss to Mrs is not about yeah i am gonna be Mrs TFB tomorrow liao!.. yeah i believe that there will be a bright glaring future ahead of us with nothing but donuts, happiness and nothing nothing else and a big big happily ever after...

Of course it is nothing negative.. in fact it is a realistic, poetic and sensible way of writing a getting married entry... stay tune to my multiply for that entry.. in *look at clock* bout another three months time.. (;

Actually... after surfing the webbie for a few days.. i realised that anything that has the word "Bridal" inside means the amount for that item will increase by alot alot alot alot alot... just like bouquet.. suddenly.. when you add in the word 'bridal' bouquet.. people are willing to spend like a big sum of money for the flowers... or shoes.. when you add that word 'bridal' to shoes.. people are even more willing to spend another obscene amount of money on it...

I know of this... after being searching for 'bridal' stuff for a period of time.. and this is a trend that i've noticed.. i am not willing to be a 'bridal' victim in spending tons of money because it is 'bridal' so i will just have to try and dig and look for alternatives....

My life is span in a web of lies, acting, some bitches here and there... force dieting.. dreaming of slimming down one day... very very hot days.. assholes here and there.. no future.. black eye rings...

BUT....

on top of that... my life also consist of.. loving family.. loving boyfriend.. loving kids.. loving soft toys.. rainy days... the super duper strong will power to get my life to work out the way i want to... cutie nephews (bleah).. timid buddy to let me bully.. q= nice people that i bump into in life who are constantly giving me good life advice FOC for me to lead my life correctly

So for all the negative stuff that happened in life.. there are bound to be good stuff that will happened too.. so for all these... i still feel that i lead a very blessed life... ^_^

So Sylvia... keep going on okay?.. come what may.. you have to be strong in life and not let anything get you down... NEVER!!!...

For the tenth million times that i have applied leave to keep my room to such an extent that my supervisor asked me.. "Ng Poh Yan.. you keep on applying leave.. you got enuff leave or not?.."

So yeah.. and for the 9.999999999million times that i have failed in keeping my room after taking those leave... wasted efforts.. disappointed expression on boyfriend's face when he come into the house expecting to see a clean room but saw the same things all around...

Disturbed expression on his face when he has to shift all my clothes onto the chair so that he can sleep and be worried whole night about an impending clothes avalanche...

Not enough to tell you how disturbed he is?... then this will confirm plus guarantee and chop that he is disturbed... when i told him that i took leave on thursday to clean my room... he put his hands together firmly and started praying to the laptop.. and i asked him what is he doing... and his reply is.. "I am praying to the internet to be down on thursday so that there are no distraction... best for them to do their internet maintainence on that day..." and show me this expression... =D

Smelly boyfriend... -_-

Okay okay.. i know that i have not been keeping my promise to keep my room as per promised... i have been going online to play facebook, chit chat and it always seems like there are thousand and one interesting things to do on the internet on my day to clean the room.. or i will go out and play blah blah blah blah blah... okay.. but this time.. i will keep my promise and keep the room okay...

I will wake up at 6.30am in the morning to slog my guts away for the day working hard to clean my room so that my room will be ultra clean that you need to wear sunglasses when you enter okay...

bleah!

Quite a few things happened during these period of time.. not bad stuff... some are pretty good stuff in fact.. like the $250 joke.. which turn out to be a blessing in disguise... the istana trip.. which i finally get to visit the Istana.. shake hand with the president.. and took alot of nice photographs there... or our anniversary which went pretty well despite the hot weather...

Life is... pretty on track now.. on the good track... so i truly appreciate this peacefulness and realise that.. sometime.. when you take a back step and dun think so much or dun be too calculative.. life can be pretty good.. just ignore and take whatever you have.. that way.. you will have a relatively easy going life and not get worked up over every single little thing... easier said than done.. i am still learning.. i am still learning..

There are a few things that i seriously hope to get it done and settled asap..
1) To scrub my dirty oven so that i can continue baking stuff
2) To bake a carrot cake after i am done with cleaning my dirty oven
3) Clean my room (the boyfriend's face is getting blacker and blacker everyday when he look at my room.. opps)
4) Revive the dead jewellery business that i have "con" my sis and sis-in-law to fork out money for joint collaboration..

The last thing to do.. is also a desperate option for me to lead a successful life.. I have been doing alot of thinking.. like thinking on every chance that i have about my current state of life.. i have no future at all doing what i am doing.. because.. there is just simply no future.. so i really need to break out of this and do something different so that i can get on the shore soon...

Hopefully.. the road ahead is tedious.. but i need to bear with it and move on.. no matter how hard it is.. so long as there are opportunities..

Yes.. after a internal battle with myself.. believe me.. it was a huge struggle.. between moral.. and universal sisterhood.. but finally.. moral won... so i have to say it out..

MMYY EATING CHICKEN RICE AND CUCUMBER.....

I know that she will feel betrayed if she read this.. but trust me mmyy.. i had a difficult battle with myself... but i feel that morally.. i am obligated to say it out that you EAT CHICKEN RICE WITH CUCUMBER while recovering from chicky pox...

I am really feeling bored as in i need to do something new and interesting so that i can feel a bit more refreshed... i am getting a type of brand new feelings that i have never get before in my life.. okay mayb in the past a little bit.. but now the feeling is super strong lah.. that is to get outta Singapore and go somewhere to tour.. and it doesnt help tat two of my colleagues are going overseas.. one week after the other...

Maybe it is the taiwan trip that started my desire to go overseas.. take a plane get outta singapore... blah blah blah... or just do something else different... but what to do?

Go to sungei buloh?.. hays goat farm?.. some farm farm thingy over at CCK?... I think i am getting drained.. as in spiritually... i need to be in nature once in a while to recharge myself or my spiritual self might drain away bit by bit... and going to nature place doesnt mean just a hiking but it is a hiking plus get to sit down somewhere quiet and sheltered and enjoy nature's company... enjoy the breeze.. see the animals get by.. look at the surroundings.. scold human beings for destroying the beautiful nature... yeah.. that is the thing that i wanna do..

Any suggestions as to where i can go?...

Perhaps is because i woke up this morning feeling a bit helpless in the situation that i am in.. as in my "i know will never advance on unless i did something really big despite that fact that i might be getting a degree soon and i wun wanna leave because i doubt i can find another job with such nice benefits" career...

Or it might be because my period is coming soon...

Or it might be because i so happened to listen to a very old and sad song..

Or it is because i read this lady's blog...

Which ever case... i am feeling really sad... well.. listening to the song doesnt help at all.. just made me more sad..

Either case.. i am blaming all my sadness on my pms... but i really feel sad after reading the blog... She is the girlfriend of Clifton Lam, the NS man who died in brunei last year during jungle training.. So you can imagine the shock, heartache and trauma that she went and is likely still going thru...

To wake up realising that the person you love is no longer around is the scariest things that can ever happened.. It different from that person no by your side because you know that this person has vanished from the face of this earth.. no matter how hard you try to search around, how loud you try to scream for him... and how hard you cry and cry... he is never gonna come back again.. This person.. is no longer there.. All there is left in his place is a void... that is so sad!

I admire her for her courage i really do...

Moral of the story.. cherish the person you love.. cherish every min you have with the person... because really you dunno when will the person or you vanish from this earth.. never take it for granted...