Sylvia's World...

Well... apparently eating too much cough med will really make you high lor... i got this high high feeling now...

BUT please dun think that i am a druggie hor.. it just so happened that my super blur sotong mum.. pointed to tablet and told tfb that the tablet is for flu and the syrup is for cough.. somore drink the syrup le cannot drink water for super effect... So i took two tablet and one table spoon of syrup.. then mum told us.... that both items that i have taken is for cough... and she die die die die refuses to admit that she said the wrong thing citing that we heard wrongly.. - -"'

Two person four ears can hear wrongly meh? Somemore i got supersonic hearing... can hear wrong one meh?... wah kao... mayb she did it on purpose hor?... i suspect so too.. my mum is evil... tsk tsk tsk...

How man... feel like sleeping it off... how to get up for work tomorrow man.. HOW TO SURVIVE WORK TOMORROW MAN? argh............................................................................................

I must must remind Toffee not to disturb my mum too much or i might find him overdosed with drugs when i come home one day...

I need to clarify that it is not sad okay... nor izzit depressed.. it is the ah beng and ah lian style of what you not happy arh?.. yar i not happy!... why not happy arh.. figh lah! that type of not happy...





The feeling is like.... the not happiness is a bottomless pit with cushion... and your heart keep falling downwards in this not happy bottomless pit then you hit a cushion but you cant get up because it is soft cushion so as you lie down there.. you sink further into the not happy pit feeling...





So the emotion expression is something like this:

Yar... looks super not happy right?...

I guess it is just me being grumy on a monday due to monday blues.... having to wake up early after two days of slacking is never a good thing for me... always wonder where did the eagerness to work went to.. i remember there was a period where i was never affected by monday blues.. haiz... hopefully that period can come back soon...

Clean, happy, well rested (well they are well rested all the time) bears who just came home from a bear spa...

That we are actually all playing a game of hide and seek.... in a sense..

Up till now... i really did not realised that one of my friend are suffering so much in silence... all the while.. me and my other friend thot tat she will not be victimised... but we are wrong man!... She gets push around all the time too...

So we really dunno how to do.... The thing is... i never realised that in a group of human.... with all of them being victimised by the same person.... but yet none of them would voice it out... for the sake of peace.... i guess that is why there is this phrase He Ping De Dai Jia.... i just find it very sick when a person doesnt have basic social skills at all..

Haiz... shall not mention more... To us.. all the best.. we shall hu xian fu chi...

Today is a very sad day...

Bluey and Sugar went for a shower together... Originally i thot that money can solve all problem.. i seriously think this way when i brought them out for their shower.. I thot that if i paid extra... i will be able to get them back within a day...

Today then i learned that it is not that way.... Bluey and Sugar will be gone for one week.... )=

I feel so sad!... I think the auntie muz have thot that i am a psycho because i was crying when i pay her the money and handed the both of them to her... but but... to me they are not just soft toys.. they are part of my family... Bluey was so freaked out by the idea of me leaving him that he thot i am leaving him for good.... Sugar din tell me much but i knew that he dun really wanna stay there but have no choice...

My heart hasnt felt so sore for a very long time and today i felt the heart pain again when i hand them over to the auntie.... booo hooo hooo... six long days to saturday before i can get them back..... )=

If i have not mentioned it before... I will mention it now.. even though my career path has not been the ideal career path... I am glad that i have been meeting very great colleagues..

I am serious!.... I think that i am really very fortunate to have very nice colleagues who truly want to teach me something for my future... Like Fifi.. who has acted like a big sister to me all these while... teaching me to be brave and matured... I am really glad to meet her... and I really admire her selflessness for being always so willing to teach me...

Then.. there is Lao Da and Mdm Koh... whom i met from NLB...

Lao Da may scold me sometime.. but i know that she does that from her bottom of her heart to guide me onto the correct path... I really misses her alot.. and i tried going back to NLB a few times but i just couldnt bump into her working hours... )=
Mdm Koh on the other hand is like this really really really really super duper nice lady who is forever there helping me to cover my ass.... She is forever willing to drop whatever she has to save me from whatever shit hole that i have fallen into and I have to said that these two ladies really helped me alot when i was in NLB... (Muz date them out one day and treat them to dinner)

Then there is Zhou Ah Mu.. hahaha.. okay lah... Zhou Ah Mu is somebody whom i already noe when i was doing my internship... and i have always known that he is a very nice person...

So when i went back to the company to work.. he has extended his kindness to me... There are four of us (girls) in the office whom Zhou Ah Mu look after alot.. oei.. dun think he is doing it for anything okay... Zhou Ah Mu really look after us like his daughter hor... And i really felt very pai seh at time because i think that i couldnt help Zhou Ah Mu much but he has been helping us all along.. that is why we call him Zhou Ah Mu (Mother Chow)

So thank you very much hor Zhou Ah Mu

So i am really glad that i have been meeting nice people at work all these while and i really thank them from the bottom of my heart... (=

Is a very good show!!...

It is such a good show that.... i think i will buy the DVD when it is out.. (notice i mention DVD and no longer VCD?.. Because Tofubrain has kindly donated his DVD player to me... so now i have a DVD player... YAY!)

The whole show is really good and you dun nd to try and figure things out too much... just go along with the show and you will understand the whole thing... I would really have expect Harvey Dent to be more handsome because according to the comic, he is supposed to be very good looking... but the joker's acting is really good.. pity that he passed away..

Hopefully he can rest in peace knowing that his final work is being praised by so many people in the world for such good acting...

Okay.. i actually have alot of nonsense to blog about... but.. before i blog about those nonsense..

I tink i need to blog about something else that is really bothering me... bothering me like a giant ulcer in my mouth.. in this case.. it is a ugly ulcer that is in my heart...

对不起妈妈... )=

I think i have been really nasty to her for this period of time... esp when i was having a sore throat... Well.. i can explain that she know that i have a sore throat but she still get me to make phone call.. and that irriates me to no end.. but that is no excuse to be nasty to her...

In case you are wondering why i am blogging here since my mum will never read my blog... this is to serve as a reminder to me to be nice to her regardless of how unreasonable she is (in this case she was not always unreasonable to me)...

No matter what happened in the past.. hw she bully somebody i love the most on this earth... it gives me no right to be so rude to her...

No matter what it is..... i dun have the right to be rude or nasty to my mum..

Sylvia you are the worse nasty mean bean i have encountered... You better think about your action and stop being so rude...

Yeah.. Marilyn saved my life today by giving me that life saving packet of instant campbell soup... okay.. she didnt give me.. i took it frm her drawer but that was because she was busy talking on the phone with the 'IT God' aka my ex boss tryin to resolve some IT problem.. But seeing that 5pm is ticking away every single min (my med time is supposed to be at 5pm) i had no choice but to be rude... I am usually a nice girl *show angel smile*

So i managed to drink the soup and eat my med before 5pm is over... yay!... *Bow* and say Xie Xie Marilyn. Seriously i think that Marilyn Auntie is a very nice lady... she is generous de lor.... forever sharing her food with other people and helping people and will try to take care of people when they are sick.. So yar.. it is very nice to have Marilyn Auntie aka SYGYM around all the time.. that is why hor.. whenver her boyfriend bully her.. i will volunteer to use my slipper to slap him.. okay okay.. kidding.. but Marilyn Auntie is a nice girl.. so the boyfriend muz be nice to her... ^_^

Ohh Ohh.. Marilyn Auntie is flying to Bangkok tomorrow morning aka later 3am plus she has to go to the airport le... so you have a nice and safe trip hor... Dun miss Shu Pian and Da Le because i will take good care of the both of them...

There is another thing that Tofubrain told me yesterday that bugs me alot... There is this toad (unfortunately this toad is his colleagues... i wonder why company will hire toad in marketing department)...

The toad will always luff at Tofubrain whenever Tofubrain wear his SPCA tee... which.. i dun understand what is the funny part... it is supposed to be for a good cause seriously.. and it really takes a toad with a very hideous looking heart and look to oversee the good cause and luff at Tofubrain..

To the toad.. respect urself, respect others... if you are totally incapable of being socially correct or nice.. just keep quiet.. nobody will miss your worthless suggestion or feel bothered at all if you keep quiet.. in fact you are doing the world a deed by not contributing a huge amount of noise pollution to the already polluted earth.. Help us to help you by keeping quiet so that you dun cause any further damage to ur super hideous image..

P.S. To Marilyn Auntie if you are reading the entry:
Sorry Marilyn Auntie that the entry i wrote about you have to end with a small segment about hideous toad.. just that the toad is really too much.. i muz blog and shame the toad..

Have been sick since last last wk ago, suspect is kena from tofubrain and my dad... so i dragged on illness (no big deal, just flu, cough and sore throat) until thursday evening then i went to see doctor... Doctor gave me med for me to finish and along the way... as i didnt really see myself as a sick person, i had choclate and durian.. X=

So the med is supposed to make me a healthy person within three days but i am still having a sore throat, slight cough and flu..... the amount of mucus that i blow out is enough to make me suspect that there is nothing in my head except for mucus... So i went back to see the doctor who gave me a $2 per pill antibiotics... So for this month i am dead broke because i spend about $80 seeing doctors for a simple infection....

And doctor warned me that if i dun recover within three days... I have to go back and see him.. no dragging until on month then go back and tell him that i have not recovered yet... because.. if it is a simple infection and if i dun recover within three days... then something must be wrong )=

Oh man.. that doesnt sound good at all!!!... So now.. i will be a good kid, stay away from durian, chocolate, deep fried food, shouting.. and talking too much... but the phone at my office has been ringing since this morning!!!... No good sign at all!! I hope i dun have to resort to taking mc just to stay away from the phone... haiz..

So in the meantime... if you wanna chat with me.. you are still welcome to do so over msn... dun talk to me in real person unless you wanna get ignored.. or see a really angry face from me....

Sylvia and soft toys cannot talk for this period of time.... )=

I cant emphasis more...

I hate donut life.. I hate people who have a sugar coated life because these people just seems so wayang to me... They have not been thru the hard part of life and then they are oh so sweet all the time, so innocent most of the time and always kind and clear with no fault at all..

I lagi hate it when donut life obviously have a other half yet needs to rely on other people to get things done for them..

I even more hate it when the people who are being asked to do things are people cloest to me.. so.. if you are one of the people cloest to me.. and you are in touched with any particular donut life that i hate... you better better better stay far away frm that person and not help that person do anything in anyway and dun even chat with that person .................. otherwise i will take no chance in scolding you and slashing out at that donut life...

A jewellery webbie set up by my sis and sis in law: Kaleidoscope Emporium

The ladies specialises in selling jewelleries made of real crystal, be it you want crystal jewelleries to suit ur birth month, or to get crystal jewelleries for their natural function (healing, beauty, calming, etc etc) you wil definately be able to find something inside for you.

If you cant find anything that you like, you can always email them with your design or your requirements and they will try to customise the jewellery for you..

As all jewelleries are handmade, therefore, all piece are unique.. (=

So feel free to browse through their webbie for nice and affordable crystal jewelleries that is not only for beauty purpose but for other purposes as well!

Well, it is not as if this is the first time that i am being misunderstood..

But i just noticed something quite scary.. that is whenever something happened, nobody stand on my side.. nobody.. this makes me think about it.. it is worth it to be helping people all the while then when something happened.. nobody bothered to ask me why am i feeling this way.. everybody just ignored me.. as if it is just right to ignore me..

Ohana means family?... mayb for an idiot like me.. ohana means family... i was never a ohana to anybody else.. because when something happened... everybody is always standing on other side.. nt my side.. be it whether i am rite or wrong... but life still goes on rite?... because i am the one who chose to be on the quieter side.. chose to retreat to my room side.. so i am WRONG

Nobody has ever thot of why i flared up.. everybody think i am just being a mad dog.. but has anybody every asked me why am i so angry?... over something that is so cheap?... i am not that materistic... my point of view is that i will never do experiment on other people's stuff... so i expect the same type of respect towards my stuff... same three items belonging to three different people... but why izzit that when it was mine item then it was used to do all sort of experiments?.... If all three were subject to the same type of experiements, i dun mind... BUT WHY MINE? I wun do experiment on other people's stuff.. because i RESPECT that the item belonged to somebody else and i have no right to do that... i will do experiment on my own stuff.. but why cant i get that type of respect?...

Is that too much to ask for??...... So ohana actually means selective family?.. not all... because i dun feel ohana at all.. mayb i was an idiot at the beginning all along?... Mayb i shouldnt go all out to help people sometime because the goodwill doesnt flow back....

I dun noe when to let go....

friends... cca..... colleagues....

i never noe when to let go.. until things turned nasty then i start to feel really sad as to why is things like this now when it used to be better.. chatted with a friend recently and either he was busy.. or he cant really be bothered to chit chat with me..

We used to be good friends.. yet... nthing happened between us... we din quarral or disagree in anything.. we just drifted apart... and then.. we became just very basic friend.. instead of the very good friend that we used to be...

Why will this happen... everytime something like that happened.. i will feel very sad.. i tried my best to remain as i am.. but things changed and everything just drifted apart... must as i wanna keep the ties close... i just cant do it alone... i cherish my friendship with my friends.. but then i cant keep up the friendship by myself.. i do understand that people do have their own life to lead.. their own stuff to do.. but all i asked for is to maintain a friendship.. is that so hard?

Or mayb i am just too irritating to be true?... sigh...

Actually, it is not at one time.. but more of at one period of time.

So i have been feeling a huge surge of emotion but i dunno what type of emotion i am feeling actually. I just know that there is this huge feeling in my heart.

Found my ex-friend's blog a few days ago and read about what happened in her life during these few years.. Well, i am no longer in talking term with this friend of mine because our friendship did not exactly ended in the nicest way but i think it ended in most pro the ugliest way ever. It is amazing how you used to be the bestest friend around but can just turn into enemy overnight but that is life isnt it?

Anyway.. i have gone back to playing maplestory.. We managed to find a server that is like super sonic fast in level-ing up.. So all of us are back to playing maplestory once again..

And to end this off... I am getting fatter leh!.... I can feel it lor.. how??.. die lah die lah.. i wanna slim down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Watched a documentary about Monty Roberts recently and a sentence from his synopsis remain deeply rooted in my mind.... The meaning of the sentence is that to train a horse, you often have to break the will of this strong willed animals and often, the breaking of the will is done through cruel treatment...

Why am i mentioning about this?...

I had a conversation with my parents who told me that they noticed that didi is growing very skinny recently and then they tried to track the cause of didi being so skinny recently.. then my dad commented that mayb it is a psychological effect that causes didi to stop eating so much..

Didi is a person who is really stubborn.. I remembered that when he was a few months old, my sis tried to pat him to coax him to sleep but he refuses to sleep.. I took over from her and try to pat didi and he stubbornly keep sitting up even though he is sleepy and refuses to sleep.. So didi is a very stubborn person.. could it be that.. in order to make him obey them... some people tried to use scaring methods to make him obey?..

So much so that the frequent scaring causes him to be really afraid of all the things that even his own shadow scare him?... I feel really upset if didi really went thru all these of being frighten by people until he is so dan xiao... I really hope that i can find ways to help him....

Once again....

*I love didi*

Yay! I got my letter today! The letter to inform me of my conversion to permanent staff and my bonus etc etc. I was so happy when i receive the letter!

Looking back, i felt that my hardwork has not been wasted and it has been recognised. Somewhere along the year, i really lose faith in life and felt ultra crappy and lousy. In fact, i felt that i am the lousiest person in the whole world sometime but now i am really appreciative to the fact that i have a blessed life and i will cherish it.

I felt happy that i have not gone off track even though i felt lousy and hang on so to it. Like what i believe, challenges are thrown to you to make you stronger when you overcome it. I will not let anything get me down anymore and i will be strong..

Found this in Straits Time:
http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest%2BNews/Singapore/STIStory_236642.html?vgnmr=1

I think it is really cruel and sick that somebody are killing cats like that... Not only cats, sometime dogs kena the same thing.. or birds or any type of animal that is not that threatening that people can find on the streets..

I certainly dun tink it is funny to stab the cats then pour thinner all over them..

I think this people are cowards... pure cowards who cant achieve anything in life and so they have the prove that they are stronger by killing or abusing animals..

No matter how dirty the cat is.. no matter how many of them are they, nobody has the authority to act as god and take the life of others... if human life are precious... how about animal's life?..

If people dislike cats so much shouldnt they do this, they should report to the authority about it and see if the authority can do anything.. even if the authority cant really do much, leave them alone.. What can the cats do?.. They fight with you for food?.. Fight with you for houses and jobs?... All they do is stay there and mind their own business.. I still believe that unless provoked they wun attack..

So i really hope that the pervert who did these will be caught earlier to prevent more cats frm suffering... I would hope that he can go thru the same thing that he has done to the cats but to do that is to go as low as the pervert.. So i hope that the law will deal with the pervert according..

Yay!.. I have cleared my mountain of clothes yesterday... *bow* but my room is not clean yet... in fact.. it is far frm clean.. since i have so much energy for cleaning my room up frm yesterday, i shall make full use of it to continue cleaning my room today..



Hopefully by the end of today, my room will be spotlessly clean. There are alot of stuff that i need to throw away, like i need to downsize my computer table to a small one, move my computer to one side and let TFB aka Tofu Brain help me fix it.. *Look down at my nicely done manicure nail... sniff sniff.. bye bye nice nail polish* Beside downsizing my computer table, i intend to move the TV table over as my computer table (it is something that my dad did for me.. so CANNOT throw away) and move out the TV and the sofa..

Hopefully by the end of tonight, i will have a clean and neat room.

Actually i always wonder.. I am somebody who studied categorizing, archiving etc.. how come all my documents and everything are in a mess???... Oh Man!...

I made non-bake oreo cheesecake over the wkend...

Apparently.. my cheesecake taste... salty... )=

Actually the cheesecake really came form up as a cake lah.. meaning that the cheese was not too creamy after freezing it... so the texture should be alright... just nd to work on it more.. and then it doesnt taste extremely salty.. a little bit sweet.. but definately not sweet by cheesecake standard... i guess i would nd to add more sugar into the cheesecake to make it sweeter..

Shall make oreo cookie base the next time instead of using digestive cookie...

Haha.. if i managed to make nice tasting and lagi nicer looking cheesecake then i post online for everybody to see okay?.. (=

Saw my colleague from another dept just now..

Conversation went like this:

Colleague: Hw is life?
Me: Good..
Colleague: Erm.. you like put on a bit of weight leh...
Me: I also think so!
Colleague: Ya.. inform you first...

*Sniff**Sniff* I am officially on a saving sylvia's weight programme... Popiah shall be my good friend again for the next countless no. of month until i hit my target of 55 kg...

Yay.. counting down another six more days to my trip to taiwan and boy am i excited about it! Well for one thing.. Taiwan has always been one of the county on my must visit list (the list is not very long actually) so i am really looking forward to my trip lah!... Secondly i have never been on a plane before (mountain tortise hor?) so i am a bit scared about that too!...

BT's birthday is coming up soon and we are gonna celebrate for her this coming saturday.. something dear said yesterday made me realised that i have no more energies to do all the stuff that i used to do.. like helping people celebrate birthday?... doing handicraft stuff for them.. going the extra miles to do stuff for them?.. The question is WHY?... why did i lose all my energies?.. was it because of all the disappointments that i have suffered all these while?... Was it because i have used up all my energies during my younger days and i have no more energies left to do it?.. Was i getting lazy.. I guess... it is a little of everything that causes me to become like that... so oh well... i am quite bothered by the fact that i am not that enthu anymore... but other than that... i am alright with my current situation..

If there is one thing that i would regret.. is that i have spend less time with my friends.. and by friends i dun mean big grp.. but only the two of them.. by one whom i have been to together to malaysia recently.. i felt that something has changed in her... and.. there is a past that she has not let go.. even though she has said that she has gotten over it (well sort of) but i can felt that she has not let go of that part... i am not that in touch with their feeling anymore and that makes me feel so bad... i really hope that i can touch their hearts again and make a differences in their life... making them feel more comfort... and happier... i dun like my friends to wear mask in front of me.. esp when they are sad.. because i noe how it feels like.. the mask that you have to wear.. and take off at the end of the day.. to face all the sadness in the world all by urself is not funny..

It is not like watching a show whereby you see the girl pretending to be happy and then after that she go home and cry then zoom to the next scene whereby it is another day or what.. but it is more of watching the scene where the girl pretend to be happy and then go home.. and face the heaviness of the sadness for the whole freaking time that she is by herself... and couldnt find a base to land on.. NOW that is sad....

I regret for all my action of not being able to comfort them.. and drift further and further away frm them.. and i hope that i can get them back into my life.. as themselves.. and not wearing masks...

Recently (actually not recently.. was a while ago) something happened... I had chose not to blogged about that incident because i dun wanna be viewed as a bitch who will come back and cry to the whole world when something happened and people view it as my fault..

However, based on my recently observation (mayb i was thinking too much) i start to believe that there might be some sort of things goin on behind my back to help the weaker party against the bitchy party (ME).. I dunno how true this is but it is just based on my observation...

Maybe they have form this against me committee that i didnt noe because everybody felt like i have been going around stepping on everybody's toes... well... i shall not try to explain if that is what everybody is thinking about.. i shall not explain my behavior because i have indeed been bitchy... but i hope before you condamn me.. think about it.. was i bitchy because i wanted to be... or was i bitchy because of the situation?... Was i treated fairly and not being bitched at as well?... Apparently my trying to care and set things rite attitude has been viewed as a form of bitchiness and people can take it in their own hands to be bitchy against me too... what?.. am i supposed to just be there and take their shit and smile to them after taking their shit?.. i may look stupid but i am not..

Or.... do i get wronged for something that i wasnt even at fault for?... After thinking about it for a long and hard time.. i have decided not to care anymore... why do i even care in the first place when things happened usually i am not the one who will get the support that i want?.. I guess this phrase "Aiya.. Ah Bee is just being a mad dog again" came out of alot of people's mouth for alot of time... well it is fine.. because i dun care anymore... Why would i wanna care when i cant set things straight because obviously white is back and black is white?... i have plenty of other stuff that i need to do.. SO it obviously doesnt pay to be caring at all.. so i dun care anymore... be it tsunami flood my house... people around me turning bad... people around me obviously gonna get hurt.. it is none of my business.. i dun wanna get hurt.. nor act like a mad dog ever again... so yeah.. take life easily.. things will still happened.. people will still try to cover their act in front of me or try to talk bad behind me.. people will still form support group behind me no matter what happened.. it is just another day.. so why not take it easy and dun care??..

Every year during this period of time... singapore will grow cooler with the daily dosage of rain.. following the cool wind and the decoration for christmas.. as well as the christmas carol that is being played everywhere.. people will feel the festive season of christmas... following the festive season.. came a wave of sha qi...

Why?... Because wong ah ma's birthday is approaching... every year.. it is a constant struggle when we are planning for her birthday because her big bunch of relatives will come every year during christmas under the pretext that they are here to celebrate her birthday for her but eat for free.. and when i say eat for free.. it meant literally stuffing themselves silly with all the food.. I mean it is really for them to come and eat for free and etc.. but the fact that they eat.. boss ard.. dirty the place.. make my dad clean up after that and treat our place like nthing more than a free of charge restaurant without any well intention of celebrating my mum's birthday is what makes us angry every year after her birthday...

It wasnt like this in the past as i remembered happier times when they will not come to my house and christmas were really meant to be a close family event and we were able to bring my mum to nice restaurant to eat... but then with the whole grp of them.. it is far too much for us to bring them all out.. you might think.. wun they pay for themselves.. no.. they wun.. no sense of shame... birthdays.. christmas.. chinese new years.. even mother's day and father's day they also want to come to my house to celebrate... I remembered my grandma only said during her death bed that my mum needs to look after them.. not operate free of charge restaurant for them to eat all they wan every single week and treat our house like some free child care centre to throw their intolerable kids to us..

Anyway back to the main topic.. every year during my mum's birthday.. we will be in major headache over what to do for her birthday because if we eat at home.. we will have to think of what to cook.. if we go out to eat then we have to object to her bringing all her relatives along... and every year it was always me to quarral with her over the endless bullying that her relatives are imposing on her but she chose to take it silently..

This year.. i chose to take a back seat by not quarraling with her anymore... i have come to the conclusion that it is her birthday and not mine.. so she can chose to do whatever nonsense that she want to do and i have no rights to interfere.. even though i am one of the sponsor for the food.. but then it is her birthday that we are giving her the money for the food so i have no rights to interfere over who she chose to invite... but then something else happened.. and now the argument is over what should be cooked during her birthday... and then there were suggestions that we should dine out instead and all end with my mum saying 'Aiya dun celebrate lah.. dun celebrate lah..' and trail off her sentence with ..... of course we know that her 'dun celebrate lah' meant 'if you dun celebrate i will show you how upset i am' so what shall we do?.. Take a backseat and relax also got problem.. dun do that also got problem.. eat in also got problem.. eat out also got problem? How eh.. why izzit that a simple birthday for wong ah ma has been spinned into a very complicated spider web.. since when did the spider web started spinning.. how come we did not realise it?..... There is only two ways to solve the problem... for wong ah ma to realise that we are not printing money.. or for her relatives to be more automatic and pay for their own shares when we dine out.. otherwise dine in.. also got problem on what to cook and might not be that nice either...

Sigh.. what do to?.. I really dunno.. it is a constant battle......

Since i started the multiply account and it couldnt be linked to this blogspot, i have not been blogging here very often... I think the last time that i blogged here was in months ago... Dont seems to have the 'feeling' to blog that often anymore nwadays... so oh well... haha.. anyway recently i found out that the link between my multiply account and my blogspot account is working again... So that means that the blog entry could be transferred frm blogspot to the multiply account...

Nthing much to update... as i am bored.. so i blog... haha.. what a way to put it.. but then oh well.. did something that i have not done in ages... had dinner with my parents in a coffee shop near my house here when i bump into them on my way home... still recovering frm a bad tummyache after i think we had some not so fresh lownuts yesterday... so today was feeling really lousy the whole day... headaches... stomaches... vomitting feeling... etc etc came by.. so i intend to go home cook a bowl of instant noodles.. eat le eat med then go to bed.. but then i bump into my parents.. so decide to have dinner with them instead...

The very blur me... went to take three days leave till tomorrow.. but went back to work today.. somemore when my sup saw me tis morning.. he was saying that he thot i took leave up till tomorrow.. n i told him no lah i took leave till yesterday.. oh man *whack head*... so i had one day uncleared leave... so try to see if i can ask for half day tomorrow..

The larling has not been online since tis morning... and he seems to be in a semi consious state during the few phonecall conversation that we had.. poor thing.. all because of me wanting to eat lownuts that causes him to eat dirty lownuts and suffer such serious illness... when i din managed to get hold of him tis afternoon.. i panicked and call the maid at home.. Luckily the maid told me that he is sleeping peacefully without waking up.. On MC tomorrow.. i hope he can recover fully... )=

I guess it is really a mixture of not talking to my mum for too long and hanging out with my parents for too long that nowadays i like to hang out with them again.. just to be near to them... talk to them.. about everything under the sun... and taking toffee to disturb my mum again.. well i guess i realised that i am very fortunate because my parents is here with me everyday.. so i have to learn to cherish them even more..

Met up with BT and ning over the last few weeks... the feeling was great... seeing them again just felt good.. That no good friend of mine by the name of BT finally made time to mit up with me... when i told my dad that i was goin out to mit her.. he looked at me with a shocked expression and said... 'I thot you forget all bout her!!!' and i told him in a equally wide eye expression that... 'She is the one who has forgetten bout me... not the other way round'..
Anyway.. we have plans to go to KTV as well as to learn roller blading...

Well.. in a way.. i should be in a very happy stage of life now... but i just cant help but feel unsettled.. well.. people who noes me well.. should know that i am rather paranoid... so when good things happen to me.. i would be worried about when will the good luck end rather than enjoy the good luck... so i am really unsettled.. because i felt that there is always a balance in things.. when there are good things happening.. there will be bad things happening as well... so this thinking cause me to not be able to settle down and just get very paranoid.. I guess what BT said is true.. i have to learn to let go sometime.. cannot hold on to things to tightly or i might destroy it... another thing is that i think i should learn not to think too much... because my brain work in a chain reaction method.. once i think about something i will keep on linking to other stuff and get myself all stressed up.. muz learn to let go.. and dont think too much into things.. another thing that i muz learn is not to be that paranoid anymore... amusing how a person who was not paranoid can turn into such a paranoid person.. i just felt that it is good to take pre caution someting rather than being caught off guard..

Anyway.. festive season is here with christmas ard the corner... this year's deco at orchard is very beautiful.. with all the icy blue white lights ard.. the whole orchard looks really cool!.. shall go there one day to take photographs of the place.. Muz pester dear dear to go there to take photo.. muahahahahahahahahaha....

The season also indicate that wong ah ma's birthday is rd the corner.. tis year due to the fact that i felt that i should be a nice daughter.. i would be contributing slightly more for her birthday thing... so while having dinner with them just now.. i told her my plan... since she wants to invite all her relatives over for dinner she can have it.. but within budgets.. and then she wanted steam boat.. and started to assign jobs for us to do.. poor hengby the white got the most job.. he is supposed to go marketing on christmas day to get all the ingredient.. so i guess once again we will all have to be house elves..

Anyway speaking of which.. Hengby the white has a rolex watch that needs to change the chain.. anybody is aware how much is the range to change a rolexd watch's chain?.. (Real de rolex chain hor.. the other time wong ah ma changed a fake chain for him.. he got so angry that he threw the rolex aside and never took it out again)

Wow blogging in blogspot really give me alot of blogging 'feeling' see how much nonsense i have blogged?.. Alright.. Toffee is pulling my sleeves to go and disturb wong ah ma.. =D

Long time... Loooooong time since i last blogged here... since that i have established a connection for the blog entry between multiply and blogspot, i thot that anything that i blogged into blogspot will be transferred into multipl, but i was wrong.. the thing just malfunction half way thru.. )= So i end up blogging more and more frequently in multiply and ignoring this little space of mine at blogspot... This little space that has been thru with me for a major heartache and that beautiful butterfly that i like.. and love and seriously consider to tattoo on myself.. oh well haha i wun go and get a tattoo.. i am afraid that the tattoo will turn ugly as i age or something like that...

Anyway.. life have been alright.. there are always ups and downs in life but what is most impt is that we are able to overcome everything and get on with life.. no matter hw low life is.. there will always be light so long as we stay strong... My cousin is getting ROM!... Yay!... Next year she will be getting ROM.. she ultra kiasu lor.. she booked us one year in advance lor... oh man.. but i will be going lah.. she asked dear dear to help her take photo.. i noe that dear dear will definately do a good job.. just that he is not confident of his own photo taking skill... so he keep on insisting that he might not do a good job.. but that is good also lah.. give a disclaimer before anything happen.. hehe... oh well till then.. i just had my med.. feeling very high nw.. need to sleep.. fall sick le.. due to nt enuff rest.. so shall rest more...

Till then.. hopefully i will blog here more often... lalala ~~

Hmm.... i used to be very amazed by my friend... because everyday after work.. she will wait for her other half to call her... and there was tis time where her other half told her that he cannot mit her because he has guard duty that day... but later on in the train.. he called and told her that they can meet... you should see her expression... she was sooo happy that she nearly jump up and down in the mrt train... at that point of time.. i asked myself.. will i do this in the future??... Nah.. i dun tink i will... well.. i was pretty wrong... nw i knew the reason as to why she does that... you see.. when you are with a person.. you tend to miss that person when he is not with you... so when he can mit you... you will feel very happy... it is sweet.. and in fact it is very sweet so sweet that you will smile in a silly way to urself.... love can make a woman stupid??.. i always agree with this sentence... ya i am stupid nw.. but it is okie.. i am feeling very very sweet too..... so it doesnt matter... To the person in question... you noe i love you dont you... =D

This blog is dedicated especially to my bestest bestest bestest friend of the world..... EBT.. since she nv like peps showing her full name on blog or anything like that...

Girl.. i wanna tell you.. no matter what happen... i will never forget you de... you will always be my bestest bestest bestest friend.. despite all the condition or anything that happen in my life.. you will forever remain as my bestest bestest bestest bestest friend.. i will never give up on you de.. never in my life...

这时候
最能让我想起你
多希望你在这里
你总是愿意把你的手心借给我握紧

往哪里
我总是依赖着你
你是我的方向感
我可以确定你会带着我朝对的方向前进

i'm thinking of you
我有你真好
你能让烦恼变得渺小
我遇见一个最懂我的人
我会提醒自己把这份爱收好

i'm thinking of you
我有你真好
只要牵着你的手就知
道我不是一个人在这世界停靠
因为我拥有你在我心里

i'm thinking of you
有你真好

thinking of you
因为有你我看见世界的美丽

i'm thinking of you
我有你真好只要牵着你的手就知道(我就知道)
我早已经没有任何缺少因为我拥有你在我心里

Went to botanic garden today... and i am feeling ultra tired nw... been walking ard the whole day... but was a nice experience.... haha i went to the orchid garden there.... the last time i went.. the cool climate orchid house was not ready yet... so din have a chance to see it... and today when i went.. the orchid house was ready... so i went in to take a look...

Saw alot of interesting things today.... botanic garden really changed alot frm the last time i truly visited it in secondary school.. P.S the other time i went with BT was not counted because we only stepped into botanic garden.. decide that it was a very hot day and get outta botanic garden.. haha... i brought bread to feed the turtles, fishes, ducks and swam... and a human too.. haha.... give you a very nice feeling when you are feeding them... and i saw this ultra cute white dog!!!.... awww.... he look like a polar bear.... so cute!!!........... but i recall hearing from eat bread that this type of dog.. looks cute... but is a rather fierce dog.... so i dun really dare to walk too near it... and it was eating grass because it has upset stomach.... and after a while.. it throw up... this is the first time that i see dogs throwing up.... and the things that the dog throw up is a bit yellowish then orange in color.... but it is still a cute dog.. hahaha alright... really very very very very very very very tired.. goin to sleep nw... z.z.z.z.zz.z.z.z.z.

终于做了这个决定
别人怎么说我不理
只要你也一样的肯定
我愿意天涯海角都随你去
我知道一切不容易
我的心一直温习说服自己最怕你忽然说要放弃

爱真的需要勇气
来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定
我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气
去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里你的真心

如果我的坚强任性会不小心伤害了你
你能不能温柔提醒我虽然心太急更害怕错过你

爱真的需要勇气
来面对流言蜚语
只要你一个眼神肯定
我的爱就有意义
我们都需要勇气
去相信会在一起
人潮拥挤我能感觉你
放在我手心里你的真心

Yeah i noe that i was complaining in my previous blog that i am gonna fall sick soon... but i still have to write this blog entry down... because i just nd to get it out...

This is entirely dedicated to a couple... never have i ever thot that i would blog bout such a filty creature and his beautiful wife in my blog... but then the filty creature has seriously pushed me to the limit that i have to write something about him to add him into my hall of shame... (just beside Ah Yan)...

Seriously.. hw does it feel... when you are so freakingly ugly yet you have women who throw themselves at you like bees to honey.. and yet everyday you are denying and blabbering nonsense like you are the person who created all the principle of life.. the law and everything.. creating stupid and ridiculous situation which are hell deep for your wife to confuse her... so that she will stay home to be ur maid??.... or do you tink she really look stupid enuff that you just nd to blabber somethings and that will cloud her judgement?.... Dont you tink you are too much??.... oh yeah i forgot.. if you ever have a brain to think.. a heart to feel... then you be able to feel that you are too much.. otherwise.. you are just a piece of junk... dressed in branded clothing and driving a ultra flashy car...

But think bout it... do you seriously think that all these are enuff to cloud the judgement of all the peps ard you??.... like i have always told ur wife and i will repeat again.. dun swear that the lightning will strike you.. For... if you really do.. even if it is a ultra hot day with no water vapour in the air... somehow somewhat a rain will definately be created just to strike you...

Do you seriously think that her family are dead??... or you tink that her family dun care??... well.. you are wrong you jerk... it is just that her family dun tink that it is worth it degrading themselves to stand at the same lvl as you.. but you tink her family dun love her??.. well you are wrong again you jerk... it is not that they dun care... it is just that they are reasonable and peaceful peps who tink that marriage problem should be resolved between the couple themselves and not involve other peps.... but think bout it again jerk... her family will always support her.... she can always go back to her family...

Remember you imposed the rule that your kid can only got to his maternal grandparents side for three time per mth??... and remember hw close he is to one of ur wife's sibling??..... and subsequently.... ur wife was accepted back into her family again??... Please dun underestimate kinship... if her sibling have the ability to tolerate all nonsense and let ur wife gain acceptance into the family.. the same could be done to ensure that she can get a life when she get a divorce frm you...

Seriously... i pity your mum... for ur mum's love has gotten her into alot of trouble.. what do you tink??... that having a flashy car and dun nd her to work is a good thing??.. You are wrong... the most comforting thing that a kid can bring to his/her mum is that they dun no longer need to worry bout their kids.. yet.. because of your you se wu yong behavior... she has to clear the mess that you have created every single time.... filial??.. i doubt.. i challenge and doubt your filial piety.... dun tell me that you are filial.. you are just a jerk who has no guts and nd to hid under ur mum's back everything you create a mess....

Bottomline... you are just a ugly fat loser who needs to hid behind his mum everytime he create a mess... putting you beside a jerk makes the jerk feel ashame of himself too....

Falling sick... i am tired... neck pain.. spine pain... sign that i am falling sick (definately nt sign that i am aging)

Feeling really tired nw.. can i pls have a one month holiday??.. then after that dun nd to go back to work??... hehehehe....

Anyway the purpose of today's blog is to complain that i am sick.. and to discuss about something.. you see.. i seriously seriously seriously want to get a tattoo... (i am not a baddie, just like a tattoo that is all) so i was just wondering what am i supposed to tattoo... THEN.. i just realise something... i can actually tattoo the butterfly on my blog hor??... that butterfly on this box's right top corner, perched there de that one... nice hor??... initially i chose this blog skin because of that butterfly and the description said that it is a butterfly tattoo.. so why nt... hehehe.. i can tattoo butterfly on myself.. and somemore is a nice butterfly!.. what do you tink??... should i or should i not??.. heh heh heh heh heh...

I m having a very confused state of mind right nw.... sigh....

A nw beginning.... as you can see frm my previous blog... i am troubled by something.... haha all i can tell is that.. the cannot really process fact part of me is out again.. and i am playing with fire.... muz i go thru that vicious cycle again?? i hope nt...

Okie back to the sentosa trip.. i went to sentosa today with a few friends.. and we basically spend the whole day there playing and slacking.... i met a very cute dog call Ah Boy that belong to my friend's friend... aw.. he is such a cute dog and he is just a puppy!! he really remind me of Sugar... as anyway anything white and cute always remind me of Sugar and i feel a sense of closeness to them... hahaha... i tink i will miss this cute dog....

Went for the Luge ride... it is fun but the before part is not fun at all.. we had to take the sky ride to the beginning of the Luge ride and that is horrible!!!..... As per what i have said.. i kena cheated by two uncle to go and take the ride.. it was so horrible that i hold tight to the safety bar thru out the whole ride and close my eyes tightly... i was so scared that they say my face was as white as pau (white bun)... okie no matter hw they deny it.. i still see it as kena cheated by two uncle to go and sit that thing... but then the Luge ride is fun!... Though i kena overtaken alot alot alot alot of time.. and i drove that thing like a auntie driving it.. but then it was really fun... if i dun have to take that sky ride.. i tink i would like to try that Luge ride again.. hehehe

But the after taking the ride i definately ban it for LKK and LFL.. because it is too dangerous... because to get to the beginning you have to take the sky ride.. which is definately horrible... so i dun tink they are suitable for it... mayb when they are older ba.. then they can take it... for nw it is definately a no no for them.... and i went home shortly after that because we have to celebrate my dad's birthday today.... feeling so tired nw... *yawnz*

PS... Eat Bread and MMYY... i am playing with fire nw... it is definately one of option given... mayb you all would be interested to guess which one.... my life is not that messy.. at least my characteristic is not... so i am very focus.. it is one of the option.. hahaha.....

Once again.. let me remind you once more time... he is not five dragon... he is a total different person.... pls dun do this.... he is not five dragon....... he is NOT....

Silver, you are Balanced-brained

That means you are able to draw on the strengths of both the right and left hemispheres of your brain, depending upon a given situation. When you need to explain a complicated process to someone, or plan a detailed vacation, the left hemisphere of your brain, which is responsible for your ability to solve problems logically, might kick in. But if you were critiquing an art opening or coming up with an original way to file papers, the right side of your brain, which is responsible for noticing subtle details in things, might take over. While many people have clearly dominant left- or right-brained tendencies, you are able to draw on skills from both hemispheres of your brain. This rare combination makes you a very creative and flexible thinker. The down side to being balanced-brained is that you may sometimes feel paralyzed by indecision when the two hemispheres of your brain are competing to solve a problem in their own unique ways.

I really do.... why???... up till nw.... i will still cry for you??.. despite the many promises that i made to BT that i wun cry for you again??... every person that i have met in my life... i still try to look out for characteristic that resemble you.... and seek comfort in that characteristic that the person have... trying to pretend as if i am still at a place close to you...

Worse... if i see a person that resemble you in alot of way.. i will be drawn to that person like moth to fire... i keep on telling myself... telling other peps that i have kept my heart in that purple box... kept deep deep away.. but i noe that my heart is just waiting.. waiting for you to find it... but i noe too that you will never start finding it... nor be able to find it... then why am i doin this??... It take time to get outta this shadow... but exactly how long do i nd to get outta this shadow... this pretending and waiting phrase is even worse than the first phrase because there is a emptiness and total silence... which is scary.... because you never know what is this person doin again.. so you hope to get his news again... the waiting part is so scary... i will noe better than anybody as to what i have done...

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

只能陪你到这里
毕竟有些事不可以
超过了友情
还不到爱情
远方就要下雨的风景
到底该不该哭泣
想太多是我还想你
我很不服气
也开始怀疑
眼前的人是不是同一个真实的你

暧昧让人受尽委屈
找不到相爱的证据
何时该前进
何时该放弃
连拥抱都没有勇气

暧昧让人变得贪心
直到等待失去意义
无奈我和你
写不出结局
放遗憾的美丽停在这里

in case you all wonder that this is about me and a guy... you all are wrong.. it is about me and a sum of money that is destinated not to be mine... sigh~

Hmm.. today is good friday.. and it feels like saturday.. i have to keep on reminding myself that today is only friday and there is still two more days to slack!....
Nthing much today.. went out to eat sakae sushi with my siblings... mmyy... and the two kids.... then my bro keep on goin the wrong way today.. so we end up spending quite some time on the road.. wanted to go to sugei buloh... but was stopped by strong objection by hbl and mmyy... so din go.. on the way.. we passed by mandai zoo... and we okie.. i wanted to put lfl there.. to lure crocs... hehehe.... but of course i din succeed in getting it done... i will try harder next time... and hbl said that she wanted to get a car.. which is a good idea.. so long as she can afford it.. because she can drive her kids ard.. and we can FINALLY all go out together... and bring lfl to sugei buloh.. throw him into the mud to skip with the mud skipper or get pinched by horse shoe crab.. or if there is a crocs can throw him into the water... hehehe...
And we played maple today... and we have to help mmyy's ultra noob char to lvl up.. and you noe what.. hbl's internet was slow and she was lag for er.... 2 - 3 minute??.. she just stayed in the mid air... hanging there while we start at her character... we have photographs as evidence....

Once again.. i became the ugly duckling who have accidentally wandered into the swam grp.. Sylvia arh sylvia... why do you always have to do this??... why do you always have to wander into the beautiful and high class swam grp just to find that you stick out like a sore thumb and get upset.... because this grp of swam has never wanted you in... they just want to either make use of you.. pity you or mayb they are truly friendly.. but then there is ultimately the cast problem...

Can you pls... do urself a favor.. by sticking to yourself or duckling from your own cast in the future??.. pls do not wonder ard again.. sometime being helpful or nice will only let urself get hurt.. because there is no way you can blend in with them...

So hw does it felt??... to have used me like the way you did??.... you thot that i dunno... and i am stupid... enuff not to sense anything... it is not that i am stupid.. nor that i din sense anything... it is because i dun see the need in acting clever when people want to keep things from me... there is no point in asking... because i am frm the lowest level... i noe i din do much.. but i am just upset at the fact that i was being used like a piece of tissue paper and thrown away when the new tissue paper arrive... is the tissue paper better?? made of better quality??... then this inferior piece of used tissue paper was treated like dirt..... low class item... belong to the lower cast?... ya i think so... if you ask me why i dun bother to strive on.. i tell you because it is no pt... i am never the type of person who will blame the world but myself... but this time... I AM.. i have already tried my best... in all that i have done... but what to do when life decide that i have to end up like a piece of used tissue paper to be thrown away... and view as dirt subsequently?...

I will definately leave when it is time to... if you wanna question me why.. question my endurance... let me tell you this.. what i have gone thru so far.. is nthing compared to the hurt that you two of you have caused.... because i care for you two of you.. i chose to remain silent.... and not hurt the two of you... so that you two can go on.. as if nthing have ever happen.. because you will never realise that i have realise and notice...

P.S... pls dun ask me who is that two person.. people who should noe.. have already known who is this two person.. for the rest.. pls dun ask me... because at least this is the least RESPECT and human right that i can show to these two person.. who have caused me so much hurt...

Okie... recently a series of thing happen... and after all this happening.. i realise something... i dun have lownut life.... erm okie.. let me explain first... donuts are sweet... because they either have a coat of sugar.. or chocolate or chocolate with peanuts... either case.. they are sweet... so there are alot of young girls out that who have lownut life... sweet and no matter who they mit.. the person who mit them will have this 'aiyo so cute.. so weak.. muz protect her' tinking popping outta the mind... be it.. their friends... their bosses.. their colleagues etc etc etc... will try their best to protect them... AND there are peps like me.. who have well mayb a sugarless black coffee life... dark.. and bitter... pep see pep avoid... thinking that coffee can hold themselve.. dun nd a single protection nor help.. this type of peps.. are usually the type who are seen/assumed that will protect the lownut life peps...

So i have decide that i have enuff... if i dun have donut life then dun have donut life lah... but you muz remember.. if i have black coffee life.. then i will be strong and hang on.. but i will never protect the donut life peps.. for.. what for??.. i am a cup of black coffee that has turn bad... beside being dark and bitter.. i am sour too... so blah blah ... i hate peps with lownut life.. because no matter hw hard the dark coffee life peps work... their effort will always be outshined by the lownut life peps by a mere smile or sweet talk...

Orh.. how sweet.... shut up and get outta my blog you lownut life peps...

Hmm... today is another sunday... and i am at home slacking again... and today is April fool's day... well nthing much.. life still goes on.. speaking of April.. it is the mth that i am look forward to... come BT birthday.. i will only be left to serve one more mth of my contract before it end in May... woo hoo!!.... you noe what that means... freedom!!!.... i lurve april.. i lurve lurve lurve april 2007.. lalalala~~~

Okie enuff said bout that.. a little update about myself... nthing much happened.. i am still coughing like mad.. i am still nt talkin to my mum.. i still wanna bash iey iey up everytime i see him.. i still watch sponge bob sq pants with lkk.. Anyway.. went to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle yesterday with lkk... iey iey and my sis... well i can say that it is not a bad show.. quite nice.. because it is TMNT what... and i lurve this cartoon.. watch it when i was in say... primary 2 and i remember that the cartoon is shown every friday at about 6pm.. so i lurve tis cartoon... oh oh and i just finished my assignment.. which mean that i have about one more mth before my exam.. and i can officially slack for another one wk before i start studying for my exam...yeah!.... and i am dead broke tis mth.. with all the temptation of buying clothing.. i buy and buy and buy... until i am broke.. oh my.. i dunno how to survive till my next pay.. *faint*

Title copied frm my sis's blog.. if it is wrong.. it is her chi that is bad.. nt mine.. hahaha anyway... my sis in law said that i am pretty free these days.. and asked me to blog more.. so here i am blogging.... muahaha..

well.... i seriously dunno if that will happen... working towards it??.... haha... i dun even tink that the shore towards it is anywhere near to far.... it is further than near to far... which is very far...

Well... told the world the two goin to be aunties.. erm.. two mdm ngs about what happened... hehehe.... well... i did try to chit chat with him lah.. but seems like the response nt too good.. and the truth is that... when i become interested in another person.. the wu long tu phrase will come out again.. mayb i am just to coward to step into a new phrase.. that is why everytime when something begin to progress i will hid back into my wu long tu phrase and slip into the comfort zone.. nvm that it is a sad phrase.. but i am just to coward to come outta my comfort zone...

Went to zouk last nite.. with my cousin and my bro and my sis in law.... well... it was okie.. because this time we went earlier.. so there was nobody there or rather not much peps there... so we managed to get some seats at the bar counter...

Hm... it was really not bad.. because we have handsome bartender to look at hahaha.. but i got drunk... really bad... because there was one for one.. and tze order like that is no tomorrow... so in the end.. we had 10 glasses of lychee martini... 6 cup of illusion... 2 cup of VOLKA SUPERNOVA... 2 cup of volka orange... two jug of volka redbull... i tink six glasses of tequila and three glasses of i dunno what... and i drink and drink because there is too much until i really give up... but oh well.. at least i get a glass of ice water frm the handsome bartender.. hahaha

Anyway.. we passed by St James powerstation tonite.. and i was telling my dad that we will book the place to throw him a bday bash on his 70th birthday.... hehehe... so yeah 6 yrs later.. St James here we come!.. hahahaa..

Hmm... today is already sunday.. and tomorrow is monday... wkend seems to pass by so fast.. but in another sense i did alot this wkend.. managed to plan out my schedule for what i wanna do for the wk after wk after wk after wk.. hahaha basically is a weekly schedule...

I found out that actually waking up early during wkend can let you finish doing so much things... and best part is that you dun feel that you are losing out precious wkend time not doin anytime or feeling that the wkend is unhealthy.... i went for dim sum on sat in the morning.. and find it great.. i tink i should start doin this on a wkly basis.. of course.. i cannot anyhow spend money le lah.. then i can do this... and then today i went to sungei buloh.. and you dun have to know i went with... it was great.. minus the part that we got lost.. and we panicked.. hahaha... other than that... the trip was great.. the morning trip there was great.. very refreshing and good.. nt rushing like time is ticking so fast that we have to rush and rush and rush and before you noe it the wkend is gone...

My wkend are very very zen nwadays.. it involve.. resting... sleeping... exercising... getting enuff mental and physical rest.. to ensure that i felt rested.. hahaha

WELL.... was shopping with my friend... a short shopping trip... and she was grumbling to me that she nd to purchase a dress for her work... and i show her these dress that i thot would look great on her... but she keep on saying dun wan dun wan dun wan... and i shown her another dress.. and she keep on saying dont want dont want dont want again... she has told me that she envy those who dress nicely... and changed since in the past till nw.. and she wants to be like that.. i would want that person to be like that too... everyday.. when you go out... you see those peps ard you dressing nicely.. naturally for a girl's basic instinct.. you would wanna look good too... but some are restrained by their low self confidence.. but at least give peps a chance to help you to change.. and try on something nw.. MIND YOU.. i din let her try on a sexy or sleazy dress.. it is a very DECENT AND NICE dress... which she refused to try on because she ASSUME THAT it will look bad on her....

To the lady in question in my blog... pls... if you wanna grumble and envy.. then you should try to take the first step out.. life is short.. it is not full of restriction.. why do you wanna envy peps when you can achieve what you envy of them?? and pls... help yourself by letting peps help you... i found out that if you only grumble and doesnt let other peps help yourself it is no point telling me every single time that okie you are inspired to change and want me to help then when i go out with you i say till i puke blood and suddenly your stupid belief pop out and you revert back to nt wanting to change urself again.... if you wanna be a hermit.. dun envy and grumble.. because it is not that you cannot achieve it nor is it because peps are not willing to help you.. but it is because you are not willing to help yourself...

Heh.. i guess is the effect of the med... i am tinking about nonsense again... i am tinking boutall the wat if... tinking about my poly life... tinking bout the sweet and sour period.. when i could be on the moon one moment and fall on earth and wanting to die another moment....

Lookin back... the me in the past never thot that i coud get outta this... i thot that i would be stuck in this forever... i mean the mess of liking him.... wishing that he will get married with me... and we will live happily ever after.. with my prince to come and pick me up.... For a period of time.. this was my life... wishing and hoping for all that i wish for to come true... Nw looking back.. it seems like i have never lead this part of life before.... De purple box stayed up... for more than half a yr.. and nope.. i have no urge to take down and read...

Everybody come into ur life for a reason... his reason... as i finally ack... is to truly let me slim down.. and love myself... for myself.. not for anybody else... waking up the really girl side of me.. and realising that i should live for myself... tell the world what i truly like.. dress as i truly like.. and not restricted by what peps thot of me... I used to be rather restricted because some friends of my commented that i never wear skirt... so i never wear skirt.... never thot of dolling myself up... because i look 'great'... i hold on to the thots.. that i wish that he his main purpose is not just to do this.. but to take care of me for the rest of my life... but as i go on.. i realise that there are somethings in life that you have to let go... no matter how much you love it... because as you hold on... things get ugly and feeling turn sour... all the things that are originally beautiful will turn ugly.. fairy tale became non fairy like anymore..

If you ask me... will i still cry for him nw... my answer is yes... for... i truly love him... but that was him in 2004 the one that will look at me with warm in his eye... nt the one that gave me cold hard stare without any feeling in 2006... Sylvia will always love the him in 2004 and cry for him... but Sylvia has still ultimately gave up on the him in 2006 when she mit his cold and feelingless glance..

Either case.. this or that... my heart is buried together with that purple box in the deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep deep corner of somewhere... i no longer love... no longer touched... no longer wish and hope... Sylvia can never love again.... because she is heartless... in case any heros out there that think that i am a challenge and you should never give up on me and wanna make me have feeling and love again.. you can forget bout it... because i seriously dun wan to love anybody anymore... nobody for me... i am for nobody.. i live for myself..

You have my heart... you took it... you smash it... just like how you smash a piece of tissue paper...

The question on my mind...

Nt that i am desperate... in fact... i am fine with nt getting married.. but i just wanna get out of this house... My house which used to be my shelter.. when the whole world doesnt want it.. my house will always nurture me... care for me... due to the fact that i have quarralled with my mum.. and i am no longer on talking term to her due to some stupid relatives... i have decided that the best way out is to get out of the house... and i have decided that the best way to do this.. is to get married... i will never have the courage to move out.. because that is really obvious that i am walking out... so i have decided that getting married is the best way out...

I always wonder... why is it that the when a quarral happen.. and a kid doesnt talk to the parents... the quarral always occurs between the fav child and the parent.. and it is always the fav child that doesnt talk to the parent... i thot that it wun happen in my family.. but it did.. and i am seriously no longer on talkin term with my mum anymore...

If you ask me if it is worth it?.. nt talkin to my mum because of some stupid fatty... i tell you it is nt worth it... but i just cant stand the fact that she would rather side with them than her own kids.. always hurting her kids in the process of siding those fatty... i m just sorely disppointed with her...

haiz.....

Well.. as usually.. CNY came and go just like this.. today is already the third day of CNY... and majority of the things have quieten down...

I am nw alone at my house.. actually usually i am okie with the idea of stayin at home alone.. with no interuption/disturbance or etc... but today seems to be a very heavy day... er dun really wish to talk about the reason here.. content can get really sensitive when said here.. anyway just sad... and i have given up all hope.. it is really quite depressing.. and i really dunno why am i goin thru this... perhaps only like tis can i truly understand what my auntie is tinking.. and learn to care about her feeling... I really pity her.. and though i seriously dun like what she has done when she is young.. i kinda feel like reaching out to her.. because nw then i realise that she damn poor thing...

Haiz...

In another two hr time.. it is hitting CNY... well... dun feel that much of a CNY mood tis yr... perhaps it is because i have not been talkin to my mum yet since the last quarral... Lets not go into further details about that...

My mind is in a very confused state nw... as per what my title suggest... i mit somebody... nthing happen yet... but i was just wondering if something will... i have this feeling that if this particular person is with me.. he will be my ultimate destination... but well... i am still hesitant about this... dun wan to fall heads down into love or anything... i dun wanna get hurt again... and waste another three yr of my life... thinking of this person.. and wondering about all the wat if...

Lets not spoilt CNY... we will spend CNY in a happier mood.. and nt care about anything.. my fate has not been working hard.. so lets let fate work tis time...

I m listening to a sad song nw.. my heart is sinking.. but the worse thing is that i dunno why it is sinking.. sigh~

It is my birthday today... my cousin promised me a baby G... i am still waiting for that Baby G from him...

Glenn Ng Han Wei.. you still own me MY BABY G.. i give you one wk to give me that Baby G before i hang pig head at ur doorstep....

Heard this song tis afternoon.. find that it suits the current state that i am in.. Peps out there who are tryin to matchmake me.. pls dun try to do anything funny again.. i really dun wanna feel like a lay long goods... perhaps you all are doing this outta good intention.. but i feel like that little dignity that i have work so hard to save all these years are getting destroyed by this act too.. it seems as if i am a desperado... mayb my action did say something.. but seriously i am not that desperate.. i am really alright... let's just let the song do the talking...

你问在我心中　是否还苦恼
那次受伤　否决了爱的好
谢谢你的关照　我一切都好一个人　不算困扰
爱虽然很美妙　却不能为了寂寞　又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待　仔细寻找　感觉很重要
宁可空白了手　等候一次　真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上　一定会遇到对的人出现(在眼角)

那次流过的泪　让我学习到
如何祝福　如何转身　不要
在眼泪体会到　与自己拥抱
爱不是一种需要　是一种对照
爱虽然很美妙　却不能为了寂寞　又陷了泥沼

爱要耐心等待　仔细寻找　感觉很重要
宁可空白了手　等候一次　真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上　一定会遇到对的人出现

能愿意为了一份爱　付出去多少
然后得到多少并不计较
当我想清楚的时候　我就算已经准备好放手去爱　海阔天高

爱要耐心等待　仔细寻找　感觉很重要
宁可空白了手　等候一次　真心的拥抱
我相信在(这个)世界上　一定会遇到对的人出现

Yeah yeah i am getting heartache again... because of a dream that i had.. but then oh well yeah i feel lousy nw... and i really feel lousy.. but it is not as if i can help it... there is nthing i can do too....

I wanna change the blog skin..... rushing to change my blogskin.... yet i cant bear to give up this blog skin.. because i really like this blogskin... so why the rush to change the blogskin then?... Is it because that it signify the new beginning?... I thot i have just blogged yesteday that i wun tink about prince charming again?.. why do i caught myself thinking about him again today... to clarify that thinkin bout him doesnt mean that i miss him till i wanna die le.. but rather... the going thru happy memories type of missing him... That explain the rush to change my blog.. the original title for the blog for this skin was.. Be my butterfly... that was when i hope that he can truly be my butterfly.. then it changed and changed and changed.... till nw... no more feeling le.. but just suddenly thot of him today...oh no i am goin thru that phrase again.. the phrase whereby no sad song sound sad to me..

Well.. a little update about myself since i have not bloggin for so long... life is kinda okie.. no big waves coming to distrupt my life which is a good thing... beginning to truly settle down.. coming to acceptance with life.. and truly trying to enjoy every single moment...

Well one more mth towards CNY which means that celebration!... well.. nt really celebration.. but then it is the time of the year where you have every single rite to dress nicely... hehehe... and less than two wk before my bday.. hitting 22 is a big phrase for me.. at least when i am 21 you can still consider me a teenager because 21 mah... 22 means that i am no longer young le... haiz... but then i have decided that i will accept aging gracefully and hopefully i will aged gracefully too.... My resolution for 2007 before my bday:

1) To slim down for another 15kg
2) To gain control of my life and not screw up again
3) Be way way way nicer to LFL and try to communicate more with LKK
4) Be nicer to grandma and wai gong.. (not that i am not nice to them.. but i will make a extra effort to be nice to them)
5) No more thinking about prince charming (when ya strong and working hard to build a better life.. who cares about prince charming?)
6) Keep my room!!!!
7) Study harder
8) Learn self defence art...

Well that is all i can tink about for the moment of time.....
But yeah.. i truly hope that life will take a better turn and keep on getting a better turn as each yr advance on.... (=

Well.. recently me and my sis invented a word..
Bimbo = beautiful woman without brains
BUT.. what if the person is not beautiful, not brainy and the only thing about her is that she is ultra skinny?..
We call her bonebo.. we cannot call her bimbo because that does nt do justification to bimbos because they are beautiful, but bonebo is diff that means that she is ugly and she is brainless...

Why am i so nasty today.. you may ask... that is because there is this particular bonebo in my life that is really pushing me to the verge that i wanna slap her.... It is just that too much.. i mean it is her behavior that is making me intolerable.. i have blogged once about her in this blog too.. about how too much she is how self centred she is and how selfish she is... i just forgot to add in about how wayang she is as well.. i seriously cannot stand her at all man.. she is stupid to the power of infinity... Argh~
And the best part is that she throw herself at all man that crosses her path so long as she is single.. doesnt matter who you are so long as you are willing to take her she is willing to be with you... I have finally figured out why she can always get hitched with a guy easily while i cant.. that is nt because she is way prettier or anything.. it is just because she is easy goin and i am not...

Recently.. if you have been following my blog, you will notice that i had just quarralled with my parents on seperate occasions... on christmas with my mum and new year eve with my dad...
Haiz... the quarral with my mum is over.. it is the quarral with my dad that is still goin on.. you see my dad is a retiree.. and my mum well being my mum will always quarral with him for idling at home... drinking with his friends.. and he should do all the housework... and yesterday i quarralled with him because i also find his drinking too much.. i noe that he is not totally drunk.. but i chose to said that to him at the point of time because he was saying tat for that few more years.. it doesnt matter.. the fact is that it does matter to us... I am the closest to my parents.. and though i really hate the way they do things sometime.. losing either of them will drive me to the end of world and stay there.. and losing both of them will make me lost all my sanity....
Why cant he see that everytime my mum flare up we are the POW.. and we have always form a liases with each others.. yet yesterday was the few rare time whereby i side my mum and quarralled with him because i reall dun wan him to drink so much???....

And nw he said that he want to go out to work again.. as a cleaner.. to clean bowls and cups in hawker centre... my heart broke... why does he has to do this??... i dunno.. i am feeling so miserable nw... i am really so upset.. and i really dunno from which point am i goin to take on this problem and resolve it....

Well... actually i have alot of things to blog about this few days.. but i tink i better start with this one in line with the yr end...

Haiz.. in case you all wonder why i sigh.. that is because i just quarralled with my dad.. anyway.. we will come to that later... You noe how it feels like.. when you and a grp of friends are playing in a playground... then as time goes by... slowly one by one... all of your friends left you to go and play with other friends at other place?.... That was what i feel when i knew that my cousin have a girlfriend.. it seems like all five of us (my two sibling, my two cousins and myself) used to play in the same playground... then slowly when each of them get attached and get married, they leave this playground... till the time when my this cousin have a girlfriend... i am left standing alone in the playground... i am seriously happy for the two of them.. because after so many years of zi bi.. they finally found their other half.... but i just cant help it but feel sad that i am the only one left... so i start to feel very miserable.. but after sometime... i realise that even though they all have their own partners nw.. they have never stopped to look back at me.. to see where is ah bee nw.. what is she doing and does she need help..
So my new year resoulution of the year.. is to stop gloating at my own situation.. and appreciate the beautiful things in life more.. life is short.. i shouldnt let sadness take over majority of my life...
PS... in case the two of you misunderstood i am really really really happy for the both of you.. just that at that point of time when i get to noe bout it.. i am just upset about my own situation.. but am still very happy for the both of you....

Year 2006 has been a very bad yr for me... yeah i noe every year is bad for me.. but this is a even worse year... yeah every yr is a even worse yr for me.. well you cant blame me because every year gets even worse than the previous year.. there is not a year whereby i can said that oh! this has been a fruitful year... but i see all this as test in life... there are many obstacle in life.. but if you will get stronger everytime you overcome one obstacle... life is tired for me at this moment.. i dun feel recharged at all.. and i really dunno how many obstacles muz i go thru.. but for the sake of living on.. i will overcome all this obstacles... afterall i am already very fortunate that majority of the peps in this world... i consider myself fortunate coz i have a loving family who loves me...

At this final stage before 2007 i am still crying in front of my computer while blogging because i just quarralled with my dad over his drinking.. he has this toopid friends who will always psycho him to drink alot.. and my dad has high blood pressure so he cant take tat much drinks.. and my mum quarralled with him the moment he stepped into the door.. in order to stop any further hurting between the two of them, i quarralled with him instead over his drinking problem.... if he wants to drink i will drink with him in the future... there is no pt in my living if anything happen to him.. so if he seriously wants to waste his life away as per what he told my mum.. i will waste my life with him...

Lastly i would wish all a very happy 2007... may all the bad thing be gone and i seriously hope that i will have a fruitful 2007......

Chirstmas yesterday wasnt good.. it was not even a bit good... first my parents quarralled... then my dad went off and ask us to celebrate christmas/my mum's birthday without him.. then i made the decision to ask my mum's youngest sister and her fav last son over for a party to make her happy.. it was fine initially.. everything was fine.. until she decide to invite my uncle who is stayin at lim family over.. and noeing that xiao pang is alone at home.. my mum invited xiao pang over as well.. that i can still tolerate... then came the ultimate... the whole freaking lim family came over... i was like bloody hell!!...
and that stupid da pang brought lkk down to buy chocolate for my mum saying that it was lkk giving the chocolate to my mum for his birthday... f off man... lkk has his parents and his auntie and uncle why in the world does he need da pang a distant relative that is not related to him in anyway by blood to bring him down to purchase chocolate for my mum?.. If lkk wants to buy a pressie for his grandma.. we will always bring him down to buy ourselves.... what is his freaking problem?.. and da pang ever scolded xiao pang before for following us downstairs.. asking him how can he following other people down... so i just quote exactly his phrase back to him... and gir leng dong said that i am being political.. what is his problem???.. xiao pang is a precious kid so he cannot anyhow follow peps down.. and lkk is not a precious kid?... he can just follow peps down like nobody's business??.. and you all are telling me he is the elder of lkk and what will he do to lkk.. let me tell you this... so what if he is a elder and relatives of lkk.. to me he is just a dirt... why should we respect him??.. just because he is our relative?.. no.. that doesnt work for me.. firstly he is not related to me by blood.. secondly he is just related by marriage... doesnt mean that when somebody became your relative he become good.. he is still the same.. and lastly what fucking thing has he done to ever gain my respect?? none.. so what is his freaking problem??... the ultimate line is I DUN TRUST HIM... he can always bring lkk down and ask him to help him pick 4D etc etc ec.. god noes what else he can do to lkk... i dun trust him... given his rotten character.. he has not creditiblity for anybody to trust him at all.. so what is the problem??.... and i had to quarral with my mum because of this too.. because apparently she noes that the whole freaking lim family is coming and did not tell us at all... i am so freakingly upset that all event had to be ruin by this family... and my mum is always taking the you jin sheng wu lai shi thing to overrule all our dislikeness for them... cant she open her eyes big big and see that they are not appreciative of what she do.. and they will only make use of her and they are a bloody selfish bunch of people that dun deserve any sympathy from us??... if we go back to our old life when we are in primary school when we are truly very poor.. they will never do anything to help us... so why should we help them when we noe that even if anything happen to us they will not help??.. this is call yang hu wei huan.. dun anybody understand??... it is like inviting rice bug into the rice tank and let them finish all the rice and this bunch of insect will go on to find other rice tank.. as least rice bug are fine because they dun talk.. this pep are worse because other than eating and leeching on us.. they talk and suan and behave as if they are beings that are way superior than us.. so why dun they just f off from our life?.. if they are so superior... then f off... dun come and step on my tail.. i will never let this thing off.. try asking da pang or xiao pang to step on my tail again.. i will chew off their head regardless of whatever...

Gir Leng Dong >> if you tink that you have out talk me yesterday you are WRONG... i stop because i give face to MMYY.. because she asked me to stop... but you are wrong if you think that you out talk me yesterday.. to a basic human what i said yesterday was rude.. to da pang.. what is said yesterday was not rude.. in fact it was already words in the nicest form to him.. so what is the problem??.. i am not afraid of offending them because i dun wanna have any connection or contact with them ever again.. they have never done anything to gain my goodwill so why should i bloodily be nice to them??.... I am just on the verge of asking them to fuck off from our lives and never every appear again... so what even if i offended Li Yi??... i dun care.... i dun have to do anything to gain their goodwill.. gaining their goodwill means that i have to take care of xiao pang for them when they die in the future and even worse we might have to take care of the two of them when they are old because i dun tink their son can make it.. so this type of goodwill is something that i dun wan.. life is already so intolerable why should i be nice to pep who will only give me trouble and dun appreciate anything done?.. if i have the time.. i would rather go to third world country and help pep there.... at least i am saving a life... so i dun give a damn...

I noe... there are somethings in life that are repeated and repeated and repeated like nobody's business... but mayb you all will allow me to repeat this again??... for repeating sake??... i dunno lah.. i am just feeling upset... and as you all can see from the title of my blog.. my heart has stop beating since then... i am sitting in my room now at evening 6+ without the lights on... the sunlight in my draw are decreasing... darkness is setting in as minutes goes by... i lurve this time.. because it is usually the most quiet moment of the day... whereby you can sit down and think... and take cover in the darkness... this few days.. i have been thinking of the past alot... if i believe that if there is a time machine that would transport a person back to the past.. i wil be the first to use it.. actually i have no more feelings left... but i miss him.. as in the him in 2004 nt the him now... i just hope that i can go back and enjoy cherish every moment even more... the sad and beautiful thing about life is that once the moment is pass.. it will never happen again.. and if it is a beautiful moment... you will keep on hoping and wishing that you can go back to the moment.. but you can never go back to that moment... basically there is a big hole in my heart thta can never be filled up again.. but i have really packed everything and keep into the small corner of my heart never to be open again... but i will noe for all my life that i love this man before.. deeply...

I used to love this man.. or rather the one that is in 2004 nt that man nw... i will always love that man in 2004 nt the man nw...

Okie this is blogged in my sister's blog and re-post in my cousin's blog so i shall blog it here as well...

A VERY BOH LIAO STORYhmm..... abit "politic" on today's blog.... but.. hmm... cannot figure out wei shen mo... so must blog it downbefore we go on... today's topic is not for
1.) tiggering any "wars" between the families
2.) hurting people involved
3.) insulting people involved
4.) deepen the dislikeness of people involved
5.) educational purpose......
once upon a time, there is a jedi academy... in this academy, there are a few jedi knights as follow:
xian cai
ku cai
watermelon
strawberry face
bai cai
sweet potatoal
thought wif xian cai (he is the OLDEST) always trying to LEAD the group wif his @#$%%^&*#@$# way out of any situations, this group of knights are quite closely knitted together... life goes on wif a little bickering here and there.. but they will always be there for each other if (SHOULD) problem arise...suddenly one day, a houseELF from HOGwards stumbled into this group of knights. After seeing the fun of being a jedi knight, the houseELF wanted to join in the group and become a knight too..but the houseELF was raised in HOGwards and had being taught of all "interesting" values of life, values that the jedi knights frowned upon.... the knights tried to teach him the jedi values of life, but the values were all rebutted and despised by him.. so the knights slowly distance themselves from him..using the 'interesting" values that he learned, he started to do all sort of funny things to get attention from the knights... he forced the youngest knight, sweet potato to mix wif him.. trying to control him using his childish and boh liao methods.. using the higher authorities to force sweet potato obey his commands...thinking that he had already gain control of sweet potato, he worked his way up and tried to clone bai cai.... without know that bai cai is actually a bitch.... will his evil plans success and took over xian cai's place eventually and lead the group?? will his head kana snap off by bai cai?? nobody knows the outcome yet~........we shall see....:D

anyway.... ku cai thinks that ...hmm.... after all, the jedi knights are a mixture of funny vegetables and weird behaving fruits... they dun belongs to the "normal" kind of ppl...so the jedis dun mind to have a strange houseELF joining their group... but is the houseELF willing to throw away his "interesting" values and accept the jedi values which he once stepped on??

to him:RESPECT YOURSELF, RESPECT OTHERSTHINK FOR YOURSELF, THINK FOR OTHERS

okie.. now for some updates about myself.. life hasnt been good.. because i was sick... because i got the virus from DIDI aka RLFL aka THE NAUGHTY BOY... sigh... basically the first two days i was a living dead and the third day i was a mute.. hope tomorrow will be a better day.. it is so bad that Wai Gong and Grandma was fussing over me the whole day... Anyway went out with them for dinner tonite.. because i got my bonus today so i decide to treat them to something nice.. it has been a long time since i went out with only the two of them.. and i found that i still like it alot... when we were together.. it is like hanging out with each other.. with laughing at Grandma to suaning Wai Gong... I am really glad to have them as my parents and if there is a next life.. i would still want them to be my parents... and because of them i will want to live my life to the fullest... and soar to great heights to do them proud.... =D

I am so tired nw.. the feeling is like dying... seriously i dunno why am i so tired... izzit because there is no more objective in my life... there is nthing for me to look forward to again that is the reason why i am so tired each day... mayb my body feels that it is better to just sleep thru every single day... and die on the day i should die... everyday seems to be a drag.. Actually the reason is very simple.. in order to prevent the previous accident of me confessing from happening again..and to have the same outcome... i have decided not to love anybody anymore... never to fall in love again... so i forbid myself frm falling in love.. i dun wanna live like a living dead person again just to have all my feelings rebutted because.. i also dunno why... i just feel that there is no pt.. as it is nw.. life is already a chore.. why go and look for more trouble?.. i would seriously prefer to keep to myself... than to get hurt again and end up with more chores...

It is two am in the morning on a thursday morning.... and i am crying in front of the computer.. dun ask me why am i crying.. but i am just crying... i guess i am just upset that i am a loser.. yes loser in everything... in all aspect of life... It is scary... very scary on how good i can control my emotions when i want to and how helpless sometime when i cannot control my emotions... when i am crying inside... when my heart is bleeding.. yet i can still show smiley face... what is wrong with me??... i am sleepy.. but i dun feel like sleeping... i am sad.. yet i dunno why am i sad.. i am very bothered.. but i dunno what am i being bothered by.. i am missing out on a huge chunk of life.. yet i dunno why am i missing this huge chunk and how can i get it back... i really really dunno what is wrong with myself... i desperately need help.. seems like i have no life at all... it seems like all along i live for other ppl.. so when all this people has their own life... i seems to be left with emptiness... i no longer have a life.... and when i am trying my best to get a life... pep start interferring with how i should lead my life... what is wrong with me.. what is wrong with my life and what is wrong with the ppl around me??... Just what is wrong?!?!?!